Dear Mr. Supercomputer

The Top 10 Albums of 2010

2011-01-05T19:35:00.008-06:00

Always the list everyone waits for on the DMS blog: the Albums of the Year. Because no one can take something arbitrary and subjective like music and assign an order to them quite like DMS.

We gave serious consideration this year to not assigning said arbitrary numbers because each of these albums are incredible in their own right. And really, how do you rank Gorillaz vs. The Black Keys? Is that even possible?

YES! Of COURSE we rank them by number! We're not going to puss out like some other year-end lists.

Basically, the final measuring stick we use here to rank our albums at DMS is "which album will I still be listening to in 3-5 years?" That tends to serve us really well. I wouldn't change very many of our past rankings. And with that in mind, here are the Top 10 Albums of 2010 (what, did you expect a number that isn't divisible by 5?), each accompanied by a 3 song sampler (side note: if an album included a track from our Songs of the Year posts, it's not included in the sampler. Go back and read those posts you lazy bum).

10. The Tallest Man on Earth - The Wild Hunt

While high concept albums got a ton of attention in 2010, The Tallest Man on Earth was proving that the man-and-a-guitar formula still sometimes works, and works well.

9. The National - High Violet

I very nearly booted this album out of the top 10, which would have been a huge mistake. I guess my "qualm", if you can call it that, is this: the best song on the album is so far and away the best song, it sort of overshadows the rest of the album. And that's a bit of a mistake, because the rest of the album is fantastic. Even without our #1 song of the year, "Bloodbuzz Ohio", High Violet would still stand strong (listen: below). This is sort of the same thing that happened on "Boxer", where "Fake Empire" cast a shadow over the rest of the album (ROTA). It also happened (in my opinion) to Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" where it was such an undeniably awesome song that the rest of St. Elsewhere doesn't get much credit (same thing happened again to Cee Lo, re: The Lady Killers and "Fuck You"). It's weird and counter-intuitive, but I almost wonder if I'd appreciate High Violet more if it didn't include "Bloodbuzz." Then again, I guess that's my own shit I need to get over. Because fuck if there isn't a cooler song in 2010 than "Bloodbuzz Ohio."

8. Jonsi - Go

I can't really describe this album better than the following from NPR's All Songs Considerd's Stephen Thompson who says, "the whole record is this weird Icelandic gnome, empties out his entire toy box."

7. Menomena - Mines

Menomena is really starting to crank it up now, cashing in on their huge potential. While "Taos" certainly stands out as an amazing single track, much like "Wet and Rusting" was on their previous album, Mines works from start to finish.

I think I found out what I like so much about Menomena: it's their spacing. Like a painting that effectively spaces out objects, Menomena spaces out the instrumentation and lyrics perfectly, leaving plenty of time for both. They clearly write the vocals and instrumentation in conjunction with each other so the mesh perfectly. Listen below for perfect examples.

6. Broken Bells - Broken Bells

The announcement that Danger Mouse would be producing U2's next album is the only thing that could have gotten me excited about U2's next album. While it's an odd pairing, if DM can mesh with The Shins' Justin Mercer, getting the absolute best out of Mercer while minimizing his weaknesses/annoying tendencies, then I have faith that U2's next album might not be totally discardable.

5. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

Snoop Dogg's shitty rapping aside, the Gorillaz have somehow managed to carve out a brand new genre of music. I'm not sure what to call it exactly (post rock-rap? nouveau guit-R-and-B? techno-infused spider punk?) but they've definitely staked a claim on it on Plastic Beach.

4. Yeasayer - Odd Blood

Having come out early in the year, Yeasayer has been overlooked in a lot of year-end lists. I'm not sure how they've flown under the radar so much. Yeasayer's "Ambling Alp" should have been the MGMT's "Time to Pretend" of 2010. I honestly have no idea how it didn't find the purchase that MGMT did. Regardless, the album is earnest and convincing from top to bottom, and Yeasayer has carved out a unique sound that bridges the gap between the 80's and the 10's.

3. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

So... maybe Arcade Fire's 4th album will be their first stinker. I mean, doesn't a band have to produce at least one flat album? I keep expecting Arcade Fire to fall off, but they inexorably keep getting better. While the album perhaps lacks a typical Arcade Fire style anthem ("No Cars Go," "Rebellion (Lies)", etc.), the continuity of the tracks, the dynamic instrumentation, and the sharpness of the writing creates Arcade Fire's most complete, conceptual album. And while the album is a shakedown of the sprawling, pale suburban landscape it doesn't feel rushed, nor overlong.

2. The Black Keys - Brothers

I'm not sure if there's much else to say besides "this album is fucking badass." It's not that it's just "badass" but it's "FUCKING badass." Our favorite entity from Akron (ahem) channeled their inner Jimi Hendrix blended with The Strokes and came out with an album that is more entertaining anything Jimi did and with more teeth than anything The Strokes have done.

1. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

It just had to be this album, didn't it? Sure, most of these albums could lay claim to the top spot, but really only one of these albums has the potential to change the musical landscape. Also, when we compile our decadal album list in 9 years (see also: Aughts), this is the one album that I'm absolutely 100% positive will be on there.

Fantasy is a rap-album proper, an unparalleled piece of introspection, a polemic, a manifesto, an admission of guilt, a rallying of the troops, etc. In a year when the president called him a "jackass", West was a pariah, followed by being heralded as a genius. I'm not sure if he's any or all of those things. I do know that this is the Album of the Year. Whether it's the BEST album of the year, well, that debate will continue to be played out and discussed for years. And if that in and of itself doesn't mark it as the Album of 2010, I don't know what does.

=====================

Conspicuously Absent: Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz

Clearly a blog named after a SS song - and a psuedo-B-side no less - should revere the guy. And we do. But I hope to God that Stevens "got it out of his system." Look, I understand the need to make an album that differs greatly from the rest of your catalog (though, in truth, it doesn't differ that much from his first two albums, which are both inherently unlistenable and drew virtually no critical acclaim). As we've mentioned, the final metric is simply "will we be listening to the album 3-5 years from now?" That question is easy to answer. Since I listened to Age of Adz, I've listened to C'mon Feel the Illinoise more.

====================

See also, previous Album of the Year posts:
2006
2007
2008
2009
The Aughts

The Top 25 Songs of 2010 (#1-15 1/2)

2011-01-01T01:16:00.012-06:00

So here's the rest of the Top 25 Songs of 2010 (#1-15 1/2). For #16-25 go here. Be sure to let me know what I missed this past year! As always, enjoy yourself a nice little playlist here.

15 1/2. Fol Chen - "In Ruins"

This track goes out to Jonny G. The 1/2 is for the extra half of the show that I missed.

15. Jonsi - "Tornado"

This is the music that you hear when you die and go to heaven. Perhaps not coincidentally, this is also the music you hear right before you hurl yourself off a cliff.

14. Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt - "Ride Friendship"

This track goes out to Mrs. Supercomputer. I posted TPDR's 2010 album title in it's entirety ( I Love You. I Love You. I Love You and I’m in Love with You. Have an Awesome Day! Have the Best Day of Your Life!) as my FB status and Mrs. Supercomputer thought I was being affectionate online to her. Nope. Just posting an album title, because, as you know, I am a prick.

13. Wye Oak - "I Hope You Die"

The consistent, underlying flutter of woodwinds give a strong undercurrent to Wye Oak's "I Hope You Die." Eventually, the title of the song is liberatingly uttered in the last line of the song, and you realize the rest of the song has been building up to this point. It's weird, but for a song entitled "I Hope You Die", it's incredibly romantic and touching.

12. Vampire Weekend - "Diplomat's Son"

What I love about Vampire Weekend is that everyone has a wildly different opinion on what the best song is on their albums. And frankly, it's hard to argue with them. I chose "Diplomat's Son" due to its subtleties and general low-keyness. Vampire Weekend can be overwhelming at times. "Diplomat's Son" is incredible refreshing on an otherwise frenetic album.

11. Cee Lo Green - "Fuck You"

Well that should put to bed the whole Gnarls Barkley one-hit wonder talk. Much like you never turned off "Crazy", you certainly didn't switch away once you heard the first three piano chords of "Fuck You." The thing is, even without the novelty of the swearing in the title and chorus, it's an amazing R&B soul song. And if a horribly auto-tuned Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee can't ruin this song for me, nothing can. (Seriously, fuck Glee).

10. Arcade Fire - "The Sprawl II"

This is the musical and emotional capper for an album that really must be listened to in its entirety. Regine rules.

9. Tallest Man on Earth - "King of Spain"

For all the talk about how technology has been irreparably fused with music, many of these songs could have been written and recorded any time in the past 50 years. And with Tallest Man on Earth, it could be 70 or 80 years. It's not a "retro" feel so much as a "ubiquitous" feel.

8. The Black Keys - "Everlasting Light"

This is some fucking awesome shit. I defy you to listen to this song and not think it's awesome.

7. Yeasayer - "Ambling Alp"

Having come out so early in 2010, I had sort of forgotten about Yeasayer as a Best of 2010 candidate. My bad. "Ambling Alp" goes well with driving, good times, bad times, and defiant times.

6. Gorillaz - "On Melancholy Hill"

Much like "Diplomat's Son" for Vampire Weekend, the Gorillaz's "On Melancholy Hill" is a nice respite from the DJ-esque conscious excess of the album.

5. Broken Bells - "The High Road"

This is probably the first track I loved in 2010. Pretty much immediately. We'll probably be revisiting this in the Albums of 2010 post, but Danger Mouse is the most prolific music producer working today.

4. Menomena - "Taos"

This is the most kickass song to ever feature the saxophone. Sorry Clarence Clemens.

3. Kanye West - "Runaway"

The most compelling song from the year's most compelling album. It's tough to separate the song from the song's backstory. We're all familiar with the VMA Taylor Swift - Kanye West incident where Kanye rushed up on stage and RUINED THIS POOR WHITE GIRL'S LIFE. SHE'S A PRECIOUS FLOWER. Then Kanye debuts "Runaway" the following year at the VMAs minutes after Taylor Swift gives some sorry-ass melodramatic forgiveness-soliloquy in the form of a song she wrote right after John Mayer dumped her (seriously, Taylor Swift is shit). Kanye, of course, crushes with "Runaway".

2. Sharon Van Etten - "Love More"

Here's a list, in no particular order, of the five pieces of media that turn me into a sobbing, blubbering mess:

* The opening montage of Up.

* The final scene in Toy Story 3.

* The scene in Toy Story 2 where Jesse the Cowgirl gets left at at the dump.

* The scene in Millions where the kid meets his mother's apparition by the railroad tracks.

* Sharon Van Etten's "Love More"

1. The National - "Bloodbuzz Ohio"

Not only does "Bloodbuzz Ohio" have the finest lyrics of the year, it's tough to choose what's actually the best line from the song:

I still owe money to the money to the money I owe / I never thought about love when I thought about home.

I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees / I never married, but Ohio don't remember me.

It's simple and devastating the way Bon Iver was a couple years ago. I'd say from the moment I first heard this song, it was one of my favorites ever and certainly of 2010.

Bonus Kanye West section!

Best unreleased track:

Kanye West - "Never See Me Again"

The story goes that this was recorded essentially on the fly a week after the VMAs incident, in which in my opinion, the only thing Kanye did wrong was that he wasn't effusive enough in just how much Taylor Swift sucks. It's kind of a shame this wasn't properly recorded and produced. But at least it got leaked, even if in the lo-fi quality heard here.

Best cover of Kanye West's "Runaway": Wonder Bear

You know you produced an interesting song when it's on a end-of-year compredium three times.

Best cover of Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You": William Shatner

It's tough to decide which will be the most covered song from 2010: either West's "Runaway" or Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You." I have a feeling every one who plays music and has even a teensy bit of irony will be playing these in coffee shops ad-nausium in the next few years.

Top 25 Songs of 2010 (#16-#25)

2010-12-31T15:09:00.007-06:00

While you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

I could say that I'm just building suspense, but honestly, it's a procrastination thing that is allowing me to only post the #16-#25 songs of the year. Lots of last minute tweaking and such.

Normally I would use this space to make some sort of unresearched generalization about music in Year 20XX, but honestly, there aren't really any patterns to be summed up anymore. There was just a plethora of awesome songs this year.

So, here's your (meaning "my") Top 25 Songs of 2010, numbers 16-25 (descending). And enjoy the playlist below.

25. Galactic f. Irma Thomas - "Heart of Steel"

24. Typefighter - "Ocean Floor"

23. Givers - "Saw You First"

22. Josh Ritter - "Change of Time"

21. School of Seven Bells - "Windstorm"

20. Janelle Monae - "Tightrope (f. Big Boi)"

19. Nick Jaina - "Sleep Child"

18. The New Pornographers - "Crash Years"

17. The Spring Standards - "Queen of the Lot"

16. Mumford & Sons - "The Cave"

Top 5 Things About Colorado That Annoy the Crap out of Me

2010-12-31T08:48:00.010-06:00

While you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

Don’t get me wrong, we love Colorado. So much so that we’ll probably never move anywhere else. It’s beautiful, people actually want to visit you, it’s got seasons. None of those things were true when we lived in Texas. But, as with all states I’m sure, it’s got some annoyances that must be splayed out airing-of-grievances style.

So today’s list is The Top 5 Things About Colorado That Annoy The Crap Out Of Me.

5. The Food Pretty Much Sucks

I confess that I don’t really get out all that much for dinner. Let’s say you wouldn’t refer to me as a “human Zagat’s guide”. But still, moving from Austin to Colorado was like eating in Baylor’s Penland dorm one day and Collins the next (all my Baylor inside joke homies in the house say “heeeyyyy!”).

4. The Sun

It’s not Alaska or anything, but in the winter the Sun goes down at like 4:30 PM and in the Summer it overstays it’s welcome until 9:30. It’s pretty annoying when it’s still sunny outside and you’re trying to put your kids to bed. Me: “No, honey, it’s just the tilt of the Earth toward the sun that is making you think it’s not nighttime yet.” Her: “IT’S NOT NIGHT YET!!!!!!!”

3. May

Look, snow is enchanting and all. It’s beautiful when it snows that first time. And even in March and April the snow is nice and it melts quickly. But when it’s May and the trees haven’t put out their leaves yet, because they’ve seen this before and they know that there could be one last snow storm, it gets pretty depressing. You know when the rest of the country is on Spring Break? We’re just getting started with Winter in Colorado.

2. You Feel Like an Asshole if You Sit Around the House All Weekend

Typical Monday morning office conversation.

Me: So what’d you do this weekend.
Them: I went on a high-altitude back-country triathlon. Then I went cross-country skiing on Sunday. What’d you do?
Me: I... um... watched football. Oh! I went to the store and bought sneakers!
Them: [looks at me in disgust]

OK usually they don’t look at me in disgust, it’s mostly myself that feels disgusted with myself. Look, I like to just hang out, maybe leave the house if the weather’s nice. And I’ll go hiking every now and again, but jeez! The people here don’t take a weekend off! Don’t you people have Netflix??

1. You Can’t Buy Liquor in Grocery Stores

What are we in the Prohibition Era??? This doesn’t sound like that big a deal, but it is. I go grocery shopping with my kids from time to time. And in Texas, when I went to a grocery store - say, your local H.E.B. - you could pick up a nice 6-pack of beer or bottle of wine and it was no big deal. It was like, “hey, that’s a good father who plans on having a relaxing evening at home after he reads his kids stories before bed-time.” Now in Colorado, when I have to make a second stop to a liquor store, dragging the kids along it’s like, “what a creep! He must be a booze-hound, dragging his kids in here like that! I bet he’s abusive!” when I’m totally none of those things.

Get your act together, Colorado! Let 3.2+% ABV liquor in your fine grocery stores! Except don’t be like California where you can get hard liquor in grocery stores. That shit’s messed up. If you want to buy Jaegermeister, go do it in a fucking liquor store away from us finer citizens. You abusive, creepy booze-hound.

Top 10 Things that Kept Us Sane in 2010

2010-12-30T13:31:00.005-06:00

Hello. Long time, no blog. But while you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

Let’s start out with the list of Top 10 Things that Kept Us Sane in 2010, as we have done in 2008 and 2009.

2010 was a bitch of a year. We keep thinking that this past year was the shittiest year ever. But 2010 really took the cake. We had a Cavs epic playoff meltdown followed by "The Decision", the Tea Party going mainstream and making politicians too willing to start things like this which basically makes Uncle Jeb a peer-reviewer for science grants, the Haiti earthquake, the Oil Spill (complete with ranking member of the Committee on Energy and Commerce Joe Barton-R apologizing to BP for everyone being so mean to them), pussy Democrats doing things like firing someone because Andrew Breitbart posted something on youtube, our free cable got phased out by the digital revolution, and I had to write my MS Thesis which I never want to fucking look at again.

If it weren’t for the following group of people and things we certainly would have gone postal on ya’ll months ago.

10. The Sporkful

“It’s not for foodies, it’s for eaters.” If you’re looking for a recipe for coq au vin, you’re looking in the wrong place. No, Dan and Mark would rather use their podcasts to educate the populous on proper buffet strategy, leftover storage and reheating techniques, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (that was a two-parter!). They also started making videos for Slate in which they create ridiculous sandwiches, make Four Loko, and other awesome endeavors.

9. Keenan Thompson

I think Keenan Thompson might be the most underrated Saturday Night Live cast member ever. He’s never mentioned in the pantheon of great cast members, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a skit of his and not laugh. This year he took it to a new level with the Rent is Too Damn High party guy.

8. Wonkette

Pretty much here because of the hilarious headlines they produce day after day, distilling the essence of conservative paranoia and victimology. Other times, the Wonkette headlines are more earnest-funny (“Please Convict Tom DeLay Already”), and other times shaming-funny (“Republicans Do Not Care For 9/11 Welfare Queens (First Responders)”), and other times just funny-funny (“Americans Having More Sex In Butt”).

As always, the “Wonkette Guide to the War on Christmas” is fun.

See also, “John Bolton Has An Opinion About Wikileaks: Barack Obama Sucks” and “Cool Rush Limbaugh Photoshop Reminds You Obama Is a Black Gang Member”

Update: From this morning."A Children’s Treasury of ‘GZ Mosk’ Activists Against Justin Bieber"

7. Eggo Waffles

Yes, they are incredibly bad for you, and probably only one notch up on Pop-Tart as part of this complete breakfast that will kill you. But when you’ve got two kids in the morning who are like those angry, fast zombies in 28 Days Later until they get food in their stomach, you’ve got to toss something at them. Cold cereal won’t do. Toast requires additional work, like buttering. Eggo Waffles: toss them in the toaster (or not, if it’s critical situation) and you’ve got a terrible breakfast that the kids will devour like locusts. You’re good until 10:30 at least.

(P.S. Love the "Homestyle" Eggos. Nothing says "Homestyle" quite like a perfectly rectangular prism box with 60 frozen waffles inside."

6. The Icelandic Volcano Ash Cloud

Most people would probably put this among the things that made this year suck, but not me. Check this shit out.

ASH CLOUD!!!!!!!

5. The Nintendo Wii

This is a rather recent addition to the List of Things Keeping Us Sane, brought on by an early Christmas present. If you’re like us, then you hate going outside when it’s cold. And it’s hard not to become a fat slob when you don’t go outside. Here’s the thing: if I were to force our kids to run in place, CPS would take them away. But put them in front of a TV screen where they are chasing a kitty, and you’ve got exercise!

4. Aziz Ansari

Mrs. Supercomputer and I saw Aziz this Summer in Denver and he killed us. Like Kenan Thompson, he rarely says a word without cracking us up.

3. Peyton Hillis

In a year of remarkable suckitude for all Cleveland sports, Hillis is pretty much the only athlete not to totally suck. Are people overreacting to his moderate success this year? Yes. Is part of his appeal the novelty of a white running back? Sure. I’d be willing to bet he’s not even a 1000 yard rusher next year. But this year, he was awesome and gave us things like this.

2. Girl Talk

By mixing 100s of different tracks into a sprawling (free) album, Girl Talk created A) a wonderful piece of nostalgia and B), a fun hour-and-a-half time killer. If you work in an office and your co-workers don’t mind a consistent stream of expletives and/or you have headphones, you can spin All Day and crank out a ton of work.

1. The Wire

Having heard nothing but great things about The Wire, I was sort of waiting for a rainy couple months to get into this. Thesis writing time was as good as any. And for the next three months, Mrs. Supercomputer banged out episode after episode, evening after evening. There’s probably not much more to say than this: you know all those annoying co-workers and friends that keep saying “OH MAN, YOU’VE JUST GOT TO WATCH THE WIRE! IT’S AMAZING!”? They’re right.

(P.S. Here's a fun game: for those who haven't seen the entire series, see if you can guess which ONE of the four gentlemen above does not get killed by Season 5!)

Where's My Damn Championship? or, Hack Statistics Showing Just How Futile Cleveland Sports Have Been

2010-09-12T09:32:00.005-05:00

As the NFL season kicks off in earnest today, we figured this would be as good a time as any to ask the pertinent question: "Where's my fucking championship?"

This isn't going to be one of those self-flagellating woe-is-Cleveland posts. It's been done. No, this is more of a pissed off, WTF?!!? post. And here's why:

We've managed to keep it under raps, but we quietly turned 30 this past year. And it sucks. Things start to hurt when you didn't even utilize them the night before. You start falling asleep at 9:00 (unless you're Mrs. Supercomputer, in which case you fall asleep at 3 AM). And then Girl Supercomputer started Kindergarten and every day she brings home permission slips to go to the fire department for the eighteenth fucking time (SERIOUSLY SCHOOLS, GET SOME CREATIVITY. TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE PENITENTIARY!). Anyway, we're 30. And with LeBron James taking his talents to South Beach that pretty much fucks over any chance the Cavs had at winning a championship. The Indians are one continual bed-shitting franchise who still owe lots of money to players who suck. It's like they're still wallowing in student loans after getting that humanities degree back in 2007 where they were one game away from the World Series.

And scarily enough, at this point the Cleveland Browns, who have been one of the worst teams in the NFL over the past decade, and started off 1-11 last year, are Cleveland's best chance at winning a championship in the near term future. Partially because they are under new management (not unlike that Taco Bell down the street who claims they are under new management, but that's only because the old management was caught running an animal prostitution ring out of their stepfather's attic). But mostly because the NFL is so volatile there is at least one team who comes out of nowhere to make the playoffs. In essence, Cleveland fans' hopes are tied to a roulette wheel with 31 other teams on it.

Which brings us to this.

Cleveland, for the time being, has three major sports franchise. Each of those sports leagues that the teams play in have about 30 teams. It's changed slightly over the course of our lifetimes, but it probably averages to about 30 teams per season. Therefore, every sports season should theoretically allow for a 1/30 chance your team to win the champioship, leaving a 29/30 chance you'll be disappointed at the end of the year.

Now, according to that GRE book I bought a while ago, that means every year consisting of three sports season, you'd have a (29/30)^3 chance of being disappointed. That means over the course of 30 damn years, you'd have a (29/30)^90 chance of being disappointed throughout your entire sorry-ass life. Let's plot that by year:

This is a pretty goddamn damning graph, created in IDL on a computer that is being paid for by a government institution that, while I'd rather not say it's name, let's just say it's the one department of the US government that will never go unfunded.

Anyway, assuming about 30 teams a season and 30 seasons per sport - yes there was the 1994 MLB strike - feel free to go back and correct my work for that bullshit - by the tender, prepubescent age of EIGHT, probabilistically I could have expected a better than 50/50 chance I would have witnessed a Cleveland championship. Good thing I wasn't a betting man at eight! Because by that time I had already witnessed two soul-crushing, atheist-producing defeats of the Browns to the Broncos in the playoffs.

At this point in my sorry life, there is only a 5% chance that all three of my teams would have suffered such regular futility. And that's only for my life! Imagine all the poor saps who are even older that have never witnessed a Cleveland championship! Really, once you get past 35 straight years of three-sport futility (yes, I know the Cavs are a more recent entity, but there were also fewer football and baseball teams, so I bet it all evens out - again, don't feel like making this scientific study much more rigorous than it already is), you're in the bizarrely statistically significant range where you have those nerds from Numb3rs crapping their pants.

Where's my fucking championship, Cleveland sports??!!!

The reason for my mania rests in a hypothesis that may or may not be true. Perhaps one of you lucky souls who grew up rooting for front-runners like the Bulls and 49ers can fill me in. The reason I get so agitated and anxious year after year, the reason I go into a deep depression that can only be cured by a combination of Xanax and Old Chub, is because my theory is that once Cleveland finally does win a championship, once I pop that championship cherry, it won't really matter as much in the future. Once you win a championship or two, and your kids see it, and you buy the collectors gift package that includes film of the championship thereby proving that it indeed happened, it won't matter quite as much. It wouldn't be as life-or-death after that.

But until that happens, it will remain Life or Death, because there are some poor saps who are Cleveland fans that haven't witnessed a championship that are precipitously close to the latter.

It's time we started blogging again...

2010-08-26T21:28:00.002-05:00

It's been way too damn long since our last post. And I can tell you we have some THOUGHTS about things!

Among the items to be addressed in the coming weeks:

DMS parenting advice on sending your kid to Kindergarten.
Why twitter is better than Facebook.
Incoherent conservatives.
It's fucking hot!
DMS parenting advice on taking your kids camping.
Fruit that doesn't suck.
Do McDonald's Happy Meals toys suck more now than in our childhood?
Commenter suggestions.

My case for Brittney Griner as an NBA player

2010-04-04T11:33:00.007-05:00

(Full disclosure #1. I graduated from Baylor.
Full disclosure #2. I don't follow women's college basketball.
Full disclosure #3. I don't follow men's college basketball.)

But I DO follow the NBA pretty heavily (at least until Lebron becomes a Knick) and so I offer the following as a thought experiment: Could Brittney Griner play in the NBA?

A couple months ago NBA commissioner David Stern said that within 10 years a woman could play in the NBA and a lot of people laughed at him. Or at least looked at him cock-eyed, myself included. But now that's all changed with Brittney Griner. Once simply a youtube sensation as "the girl that dunks," Griner is now a 6-8 force who crushed the NCAA Women's tourney record for blocks, and is now simply padding that record.

Jason Whitlock had a surprisingly (for him) good article on Griner giving anecdotal evidence of her strength and toughness, always the first two knocks against the potential for a female athlete playing in a professional male-dominated sports league.

But lest you think this is simply a high-minded, liberal agenda, affirmative action oriented gesture toward equality, let me remind you of a few things.

The NBA currently features,

a 6-6 starting center (Houston's Chuck Hayes) who is effective,
a #2 overall draft pick who was demoted to the development league (for those who don't know what that is, think a step below the Harlem Globetrotters),
the #5 pick of the 2009 averaging 6.5 points a game and shooting 36%
Darko Milicic pulling down 35+ minutes a night,
the team with the best record drafting a foreign player who's currently averaging about 4 points a game.
Rasheed Wallace.

You're telling me that these drecks can garner NBA contracts but a 6-8 athletic beast who can block shots couldn't become at the very least an effective bench player (Brittney Griner for the 6th Man Award?)? Why wouldn't a forward thinking team drop a late draft pick on Griner and let her try her hand in the D-league?

Oh by the way, Griner is only 19 and didn't even start playing basketball until 5 years ago.

I'm having trouble picturing these people

2010-04-03T16:49:00.003-06:00

The following picture is from the Barnes and Noble page for comedian Sarah Silverman's new book, The Bedwetter, which drops on April 20 of this year.

I'm having a real hard time picturing the person who would read both Sarah Silverman and any one of these other selections. I wasn't aware there was a ton of Silverman-O'Reilly crossover.

So here's what I hate about beer commercials.

2010-03-27T15:22:00.004-06:00

There's almost nothing more insulting and condescending than beer commercials. I hate them. All of them. The last time I found a beer commercial funny and/or engaging was when the Budweiser frogs debuted. I was like 12 and couldn't buy beer for at LEAST five more years.

So I hate beer commercials. And not just because they're misogynistic and their products (Bud, Coors, Miller) all taste like they've been injected with saline. It's also because there are two beer commercial plots*: guy likes beer more than girlfriend OR people are in a cruddy situation until the beer arrives, then it's all good. But even that's not the only reason I detest beer commercials**. Other reasons:

Unrealistically hot bartenders. I've maybe seen one hot bartender in my life. And it was a dude. Yet, in all these beer commercials there's always a smoking hot blonde behind the bar (which for some reason only has the advertised brand on tap). Never happens people. Or maybe I'm just going to the wrong bars.

Bar conversations. Have you ever had a conversation at a crowded bar and not had to shout?

I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!

WHAT?!!!

I LOOOVE THIS SONG!!!!!

OH! I LOVE PING PONG TOO!!!!!!!!

They turn up the volume in bars because it makes you drink more. It's true. So by midnight your voice is already gone because you're having a "conversation" where you're just shouting short sentences to each other. Yet in beer commercials, it's just a bunch of guys kicking back, shooting the shit.

Pouring beer from five feet above the glass. It pisses me off when they show a close up of a beer being poured into a glass. They must drop it from a cherry picker or something because it always careens down one side of the glass, splashes on the bottom and shoots back up the other side of the glass. Who the fuck pours beer like that? A stuntman? You'd spill half the beer on the floor and the other half would be bubbles. I totally wouldn't tip that smoking hot bartender if she pulled some shitty stunt like that.

People acting like you've got great taste because you ordered a cheap, shitty beer. You know the set up. There's all these handsome people sitting around, then this hot guy walks up to the hot bartender and says out of the corner of his mouth, "Gimmie a Bud Light." And everyone around him gives him a look of respect. Yeah, that's the guy! Bull. Shit. You order a Bud, Coors, or Miller at a bar after 7PM, first of all, no one around you gives a fuck because if they're sitting at the bar they've been drinking whiskey and Jeager all night. Second of all, the theoretical smoking hot bartender is thinking "damnit, this douche isn't going to tip for shit, and neither are his douchebag undergraduate friends."

So beer commercials, if you're going to be sexist and stupid and shell out an ungodly amount of money for advertising, at least mix it up a bit. I want to see a commercial where a normal looking guy walks into a bar, goes up to the homely bartender, has to shout his order of a 5 Barrel Pale Ale to absolutely no one's interest, and she pours it for him like a normal human being would. Maybe not Super Bowl-worthy, but at least give it a shot guys.

==================================

* Don't even get me started on those fucking Clydesdales. God I hate those horses so much. Am I supposed to be in awe of them like they're fucking royalty??

**Exempt: Red Stripe. Horray beer! Not only is that great, I've purchased infinity times more Red Stripe over the past 10 years than Bud, Coors, and Miller. COMBINED.

And now a word from Mrs. Supercomputer

2010-03-26T09:25:00.003-06:00

(Ed. note: In case you haven't noticed, we've been taking a pretty severe haitus from the blogosphere. Between work, school, online episodes of Stewart and Colbert, and being the World's Second Greatest Dad - I could never match up to K-Fed - it's tough to get around to espousing our usual nonsense. So we've done what any great brand does: we've outsourced. We've had guest columnists in the past, and today we bring you a truly inspired column from Mrs. Supercomputer - with a 4 minute rebuttal afterwards. Enjoy!)

And now for some molten lava from your friendly neighborhood wife...

"Did you clean the catbox?"

"What?"

"Did you clean the catbox? You said you would tonight."

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"What's so funny in there?"

"This announcer named Gus [Johnson] is hilarious! I mean this game is in double overtime and..."

She interrupts, "What game?"

"Whatever. And it's like someone gave him caffeine and cocaine! It's hilarious! He's like, 'AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!' It's so exciting!"

"..."

"What were you saying? Sorry."

"The catbox."

"I'll do it. I'll do it. Gaw."

"..."

"I'll DO it."

These kinds of "conversations" are the reason why I want to punch the overgrown teenager I live with (read: husband) in the nuts. The worst part? He did not attend Kansas State University or Xavier, does not care about these schools at any other time during the year, does not even know anyone that attends or attended these schools, and sometimes he doesn't even know WHERE the schools are located. But he gets all hopped up. All crazy with crazy eyes and weird giggling laughter and texts his friends more than a 14 yo girl that's bored in history class. Oh mother I want to go Kill Bill bride (when she's wearing the yellow jumpsuit) on him when he jumps up from the couch and moves in to watch the TV standing up, 6 inches from the screen.

My step-dad was sitting two INCHES from the TV when a school he actually attended was playing. He looked like his head might explode the entire time he was watching the TV. It should be said that he recently had eye surgery, but I guarantee you that even without the eye patch, he would still be two to three inches away, curled up in the fetal position with a blanket in his mouth. Sometimes you come upon a man watching a game - it should be noted that it doesn't really matter what sport - and you think he might be watching a scary movie or Extreme Home Makeover. Like he might start crying or scream or burst into spontaneous, maniacal laughter at any moment (which is usually their form of crying). When I see my husband looking like this, I usually slowly back out of the room without making any noise or contrarily, if I'm in a particularly sour mood, sigh loudly while I clean up the house around him, making sure he can hear my exasperation. And you know what? He can't hear me. He can't hear anything except the announcer going "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" and the tiny incessant beeping of his cell phone that is beeping "You-have-yet-another-text-from-Jonathan-that-pokes-some-sort-of-fun-at-whatever-sports-team-you-are-a-fan-of."

It should be said that he did, in fact, clean the catbox (and did a lot of other nice things), but damnit if he doesn't just get my blood a'boilin with them ball games sometimes.

It's like all the sports-disliking women in all the far corners of the world are bubbling under the surface of your psyche and all a man has to do is look at the game once while you're talking to him about something important - that stealing, sideways glance to check the score - and it's over. You are no longer yourself. You are no longer in control.

You are every woman looking at every man who's looking at the game.

(And now for your editor's rebuttal: Gus Johnson is a fucking national treasure. Seriously, check this shit out.

Gus Johnson is legally insane by the end of this clip. And it's awesome.

And as for the juvenile humor, well have you seen the Name of the Year bracket? If you don't laugh at the name Dick Smallberries Jr. then you don't have a soul.

Anyway, thanks to Mrs. Supercomputer for the fill-in. Bang up job. Just so you know, DMS is accepting applications.)

Who Says Colorado Winters Are Brutal?

2010-02-10T09:59:00.002-06:00

On my yahoo! homepage I like to keep up with the weather in the towns of my close friends and family. Here it is this morning 2/10/2010:

To my friends and family: SUCKERS!!!!! AIN'T NO SEVERE WEATHER HERE!!!!!!

GOLD!

2010-01-06T14:17:00.007-06:00

GOLD!

You need GOLD! Without it, you simply don't have any money! Trust me, G. Gordon Liddy ~~convicted felon~~ radio star! You must have GOLD! Today! The American dollar is on the decline and GOLD! is on the rise! If you don't have GOLD! you're a piece of shit! My mustache makes me seem less slimy! Put your trust in GOLD!

GOLD!

The America I once knew is dead. We are now ruled by tyrants who will soon be kicking down your door and hauling you off to a prison. That is, unless you have GOLD. You see, the dollar is officially worthless now and soon we will be resorting back to horse trading. The once constant we'll have is GOLD. You should just trade in your cash dollars now for either GOLD or livestock, because in 12 months, that's all there will be: GOLD and cattle. Everything else will be 100% worthless. Trust me, I cry a lot.

GOLD!

At the b'hest of Her Majesty the Royal Queen of the Kingdom, verily we hath slain the Dragon Lord and claimed our just r'ward! And dids't thou know that GOLD is the very r'ward of which I doth speak? For to p'rchase a fine Shield of Silver or sturdy Plate Mail with which to combat ones foes, the Smitty doth r'quire ones p'rchase to be made in GOLD. Speak not of dollars or euros or rupees, for the finest of armaments, one must obtain GOLD!

GOLD!

AARRRR!! GOLD is what we seek on the high seas! For GOLD is the bounty which we pillage and loot unsuspecting sloops that cross our waterways! GOLD! Avast ye swarthy landlubbers it is the Pirates' GOLD that commands the Spanish Armada at my beck and call! Yar!!!!!!!! I don't be seein' that happening with your filthy, stinking dollars or yen! You'll be laughed right back to port if you don't have GOLD!

GOLD?!

Hee hee hee!!! Sooo it is the spinning wheel that spins GOLD! that you want, eh! Well, my pretty little girl, you may have my spinning wheel of GOLD! Hee hee hoo hoo! BUT, you must answer me a simply riddle, little child! Hee hee! You must tell me my name! Yes! YES! You must tell me my name and this magical spinning wheel shall be yours! Then you can have all the GOLD your heart desires! But you have merely three days to guess my name! If you fail, then you will become mine! Mwu ha ha ha!! Hee hee!!!!!!

GOLD!

Yessir. That's why I'm here. Made my way from Little Rock, Arkansas because I heard there was GOLD rushing through the streams. Done passed through Houston, Lubbock and up through Tuscon to get here, son. You see, I had quite a bad reputation back in Little Rock, but I want to start over with GOLD. GOLD is my only way I'll ever make sumthin' of myself. Then I'll show old pappy who's the fool! Yes, he didn't believe the tales of gold come rushin' down the mountain, but with my GOLD pan and my mule, I'm bound to make it out here.

Gold.

Clearly one of the most precious minerals there are on the planet. As you can see from this periodic table, it has the chemical symbol Au and has an atomic number of 79. In addition it is the most malleable and ductile metal known to man. For this reason it can be especially valuable in electronics. It can also be used to create alloys with other metals, harnessing the power of gold in addition to adding the qualities of other metals, such as iron or mercury. It is also considered one of the "noble metals." This means it is resistant to corrosion or oxidation. Gold. Now your homework tonight is page 73, numbers 11 through 21, odd problems only.

Top 30 Albums of the Decade

2009-12-31T18:51:00.007-06:00

Well this is it, folks. We've reached the end of the decade. And barring any last minute, earth shattering releases, we can call the decade in music a wrap. Here's my favorite 30 albums of the decade. Maybe they're not the "BEST" but they're the records I'll take with me, and the ones that I'll think about when I think of "The Aughts."

Feel free to take a trip through the decade musically via Groovshark:

30.Gnarls Barkley, St. Elsewhere

What was probably the best single of the decade overshadowed a very strong conceptual album. That said, go ahead and listen to "Crazy" again up there. What a fucking. Incredible. Song.

29.Wilco, A Ghost Was Born

You know what, I like A Ghost Was Born better thank Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. I know that makes me a heretic and all. But if the two albums were released in reverse order, I promise you'd be seeing Ghost on all these Top Albums list, not YHF. It also helps that a really neat documentary was made about YHF. But if you strip down the surrounding circumstances, I think Ghost is a much more creative record. The addition of guitarist Nels Cline extended the life of Wilco another 15 years.

28.The Octopus Project, Hello, Avalanche

My favorite instrumental album of all time.

27.The Killers, Hot Fuss

Go ahead and give Hot Fuss a listen. You probably haven't heard it in a few years. Eventually you'll realize what a great collection of songs that was.

26.The Strokes, Is This It
25.Damien Rice, O
24.Postal Service, Give Up
23.Outkast, Stankonia

Before there was "Hey Ya" there was "Bombs Over Baghdad." Holy fuck what an amazing song.

22. The National, Boxer
21. Vampire Weekend, Vampire Weekend

Incedentally, the first album of the 2010's to buy is Vampire Weekend's Contra. Comes out January 11 so stay tuned.

20. Spoon, Gimmie Fiction
19. Ghostface Killah, Fishscale
18. Beirut, The Flying Cup Club
17. Regina Spektor, Soviet Kitsch
16. Rufus Wainwright, Want One
15. Beck, Sea Change

The break up record to end all break up records. Beck reinvented his career with Sea Change. He's sort of the Danny Boyle of music. His first four albums were all incredible disparate and unique.

14. Dan Deacon, Bromst

13. Modest Mouse, Good News for People Who Love Bad News

12. St. Vincent, Marry Me

Given the strength of St. Vincent's first two albums, there is no artist I'm more excited about for the 10's decade.

11. Midlake, The Trials of Van Occupanther

10. Danger Mouse, The Grey Album

What an incredible project. Sampling the Beatles' White Album with Jay-Z's Black Album, this album well represents one of the prevailing trends of the decade: the mash up.

9. Nellie McKay, Get Away From Me

With the taste of Norah Jones' Come Away With Me still in our mouths, Nellie McKay showed the guts of a rapper in terms of one-upsmanship. You want schmaltz? I'll schmaltz the fuck out of you!!! Game, set, and match, McKay. Still very young, she's one to keep an eye on in the next decade. I have no idea where she's headed. She's already spat out a scathing debut, produced her own album after unceremoniously breaking up with her label, and constructed a tribute to Doris Day. It'll be a wild ride, but I'm on board with wherever she goes.

8. Bon Iver, For Emma, Forever Ago

After residing in our car's CD player nonstop for an entire winter, it's all scratched up. So we'll burn another copy and shove it back in there for another winter, and probably every winter from now. I'll say this, if you album has a corner on 1/4th of every year, it's a pretty good album.

7. Death Cab for Cutie, Transatlanticism

Yes, this album is phenomenal from start to finish. And before we got all cynical and shit, we listed to the crap out of this album. The title track still has gripping power. And if we're really honest, Ben Gibbard is just an unmatched lyricist. Go back and read the lyrics to "The New Year," "Title and Registration," and "Passenger Seat." Then you'll be reminded of how much you really love this album. Just don't pay attention to all the teeny boppers at the merchandise tent.

6. TV on the Radio, Return to Cookie Mountain

For unabashed TVOTR gushing, please go here or here.

5. Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head

I know it's not cool to like Coldplay these days. But if you'll remember this specific album, you'll remember what an aggressive set of songs these were. "Politik" was like something out of the Rage Against the Machine catalogue, except it had a tune. Part of the problem is that Coldplay has produced incredibly limp music since then. But if we're talking about albums in isolation, Rush of Blood pretty much ruled my life between 2002 and 2004.

4. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, vs. Children

I've already waxed poetic about this album this year. I can only hope it'll inspire you to get to know the album, grassroots style.

3. Arcade Fire, Funeral

2. Sufjan Stevens, C'mon, Feel the Illinoise!

If Illinoise is the pinnacle of Sufjan Stevens' career, I'll be incredibly sad. Because at the time, I thought it was only the beginning. Sure the 50 States Project seemed ridiculous, bordering on shtick, but if Texas! has been anything like Illinoise or Michigan, I'd have been joyous. Since then, he's said he's bored with the album format. Well you know what, Sufjan? I love albums. And so do most of the people who love you. And we want nothing more than a steady stream of Sufjan Stevens albums to collect for the next decade. Feel free to get all "soundtrack-y" in 2010, but give us a couple more masterpieces like Michigan, Seven Swans, and, Illinoise first. Godammit, even your album of Illinoise rejects was fucking fantastic! Anyway, I'm at the point where I can't even think about Sufjan rationally. Just know that I love this album with my very core, and so do many of you.

1. Radiohead, Kid A

But then, doesn't it have to be? I'm not going to spend a ton of time waxing poetic about Kid A: it's been done. But just for a minute, rewind with me back to the year 2000. Music was headed in a very scary, Spears-NSYNC-Limp-Bizkit kind of direction. Then Kid A came out. Kid A set the precedent for music of the 00's. Although, sometimes I wonder if its importance has overshadowed it's brilliance. It certainly was important for what it stood for, marking the end of traditional rock and the start of the digital decade, but it was a great album as well. Kid A was like nothing we had ever heard at the time. If you'll remember, it's like we were given this incredible gift from God. It was like we knew the mind of God. I'm not even kidding. It's the last album that I could just sit and listen to. Now I have to watch TV, write papers, or blog when I listen to music. But Kid A made everything stop. Still does.

Top 25 Movies of the Decade

2009-12-29T20:52:00.004-06:00

Before we jump into this, let it be known that as I was running through my favorite movies of the decade I discovered that I left out some of my favorite scenes from the decade in yesterday's "Top Scenes" list. Crucial ones, too. They are noted below and deserve as high accord as you give the scenes from the actual list. So it is written, so it shall be done.

I was able to whittle the list down to 25 rather easily. I was also able to order the "bottom" 15 and get a solid Top 10. Numbers one through three were all but predetermined. But movies 4 through 10 was just a huge clusterfuck. I just thought you should know that.

And one last thing. I've been reading a lot of these decade-end lists and one thing is consistent in all of them: there are no comedies allowed. Which I think is total bullshit. When I'm ranking the movies I'm thinking of "what will I be watching in five years?" Take Gladiator. Is it a good movie? Sure. How many times am I going to want to watch it in my life, twice? Well, then it's probably not a movie I'd want to take with me to a desert island. And in that case, it doesn't belong on a Top Movie list. Comedies always get short shrift from critics, when it is about 1000 times harder to make a good, consistently funny comedy than it is some drama about a child getting kidnapped or something. So comedies get a special boost in my rankings.

So, here are my favorite 25 movies of the decade. Commentary only where absolutely necessary.

25. Street Fight

24. Memento

23. In America

22. Bowling for Columbine

This was and is Michael Moore's only non-ideological movie. It's his only movie where he asks questions rather than attempts to give answers. It's his only movie where he seems to make a genuine attempt at documentary filmmaking instead of just asking to see the CEOs of major corporations (ok, so he does that in Bowling for Columbine as well). In trying to figure out why the US has so many gun-related fatalities, he notes that Canada has more guns and looser gun laws, Japan has more violent video games, and Germany has a more violent past: so why are Americans so predisposed to gun violence? He doesn't answer it directly. It's his only thought-provoking movie as opposed to other Michael Moore joints, which are pretty much thought-squelching movies.

21. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

20. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

The first comedy of the list. Think of the way that our generation had Adam Sandler's Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. Those movies became a part of our lexicon. I quote from those movies without even realizing it. And the same thing is happening with Anchorman. In five year, I'll still be watching and quoting this movie. As far as comedies go, the decade belonged to Will Ferrell.

19. The Squid and the Whale

Here's the first neglected Scene of the Decade:

18. Control Room

17. Garden State

Sure, now it's fun to make fun of Natalie Portman's cringe-inducing lines ("You're in it right now."), and now that we've seen how Zach Braff's movie career has turned out, Garden State appears retroactively lame. But try to remember the first time you saw it, possibly in the theater. It was an amazing work. When you consider this was Braff's directorial debut, it begs the question: what happened?

16. Lost in Translation

15. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

14. Waiting for Guffman

13. Word Play

Bonus points are definitely worthy when you make a rather ordinary subject matter engaging and riveting. See also, American Splendor (below). Didn't quite work as well for the movie Helvetica. I mean, making the NY Times crossword puzzle is interesting is one thing, but making a font interesting is damn near impossible.

12.There Will Be Blood

11. O Brother, Where Art Thou

I haven't seen Up in the Air yet, but everything I've read suggests that George Clooney's two best roles of his career bookend this decade (I also read somewhere that his best performance of the year was his voice over on Fantastic Mr. Fox, but you get enough Wes Anderson gushing on this blog already).

And now, the top 10.

10. 28 Days Later

I wonder if 30 years from now, we'll be studying Danny Boyle's work the way we do with Stanley Kubrick now. This guy's got some incredible directorial chops. And to think, my least favorite movie of his - which was still excellent, by the way - won him Best Director. I mean, Trainspotting, Millions (below), 28 Days Later, and Slumdog Millionare. That's a career's worth of great movies right there. And what's remarkable is how distinct each movie is. None of them are even in the same genre. That's what makes Danny Boyle's future so interesting. We have no idea what we're getting.

9. Zoolander

The first time me and Mrs. Supercomputer saw this at a friend's house we thought it was so damn hilarious we watched it again right then and there. Of all the movies on this list, I've probably seen this one more times than any other, save one. And it still kills me. It's probably my absolute favorite Will Ferrell role.

8. Children of Men

7. Millions

The second Danny Boyle film of the Top 10. This movie appeared to get little fanfare in the US. I am 100% convinced if everyone didn't have European accents and if George Clooney starred as the dad it would have won 10 Oscars. Thankfully they didnt, he didn't, and it didn't.

6. Crouching Tiger / Hidden Dragon

The floodgates opened after CT/HD came out. House of Flying Daggers and Hero were both released in the US, and it quickly became parodied in Kung Fu Hustle and the like. It was certainly like nothing we had ever seen before. Another neglected Scene of the Decade was the nighttime fight/chase scene near the beginning of the movie. That's the first time we are introduced to the amazing supernatural abilities of thecharacters.

5. Amelie

4. The Fog of War: Eleven Lessons From the Life of Robert McNamara

The most riveting documentary of the decade consisted simply of an interview with Robert McNamara about events that had happened several decades ago. Errol Morris edits the interview so skillfully and McNamara is just such a fascinating subject that it keeps us on the edge of our seat. It should be required viewing for all of humanity.

3. American Splendor

The most egregious neglected scene of the decade was inspired by the above comic in which Paul Giamatti as Harvey Pekar asks where all these other Harvey Pekars come from. It was probably one of my favorite 5 scenes of the decade and somehow I just plum forgot it. I wish I could find it on youtube, but instead you'll just have to rent it. The ability to make an entire feature length film - not to mention an entire comic book series - about one "average" individual is nothing short of incredible.

2. Punch Drunk Love

It's clearly the "least PT Anderson-ish" of all the PT Anderson movies. It almost comes off as a lark, like something Anderson dreamed up in his sleep one night and got to shooting the next day. But it's my favorite PT Anderson movie, and easily the most subdued. There aren't any frogs falling from the sky or holy men being beaten to death by a bowling pin in this one. Just a lot of Healthy Choice pudding.

1. The Royal Tenenbaums

My other absolutely egregious omission of Scenes of the Decade:

I've already gone on about this movie before on this here blog so I won't do it again.

Here are the final numbers: Five documentaries. One fake documentary. Three and a half comedies (depending on whether or not you consider Royal Tenenbaums a comedy or not). Four movies made by someone with the last name Anderson, two by the last name of Boyle. Two foreign language films. And three English-but-European language films. And several hours spent debating about what order to put movies 4 through 10 in.

Top 30 Scenes of the Decade

2009-12-28T10:22:00.005-06:00

(Enough of this year business. Let's get to the decadal review! First off, best movie scenes of the decade.)

Think of it this way. Movies:Albums :: Scenes:Songs. Before we start, let's get this out of the way: this is by no means an exhaustive list. And I'm not even sure why I'm putting numbers in front of each scene. Each of these scenes are unique and/or brilliantly shot and/or brilliantly acted. What are the criteria for getting on this list? Well, if it's a scene from a movie that warrants fastforwarding to or rewinding back in order to rewatch, then it's on this list. If it still gives me chills as I'm searching for the clips on youtube, it's on the list. BTW, the scenes that are included should all be considered dangerous if you'd like to eventually see the movie in question. I'm sure I'll miss several of your favorite scenes. Let me know what I missed.

30. Flaming Lips: The Fearless Freaks - Steven Drozd Shoots Heroin on Camera

It's probably the simplest scene on this list. It's unscripted. It's a single, simple camera. Meanwhile drummer/instrumentalist Steven Drozd is talking about his drug use and his agoraphobia while putting a tourniquet on his arm and then shooting up.

29. Cast Away - Goodbye, Wilson

I can easily say that Wilson is the most famous volleyball in history. And when Wilson gets dragged out to sea it was both funny and touching. In fact, it was funny that it was so touching.

28. Almost Famous - "Actually, that you can print."

"I work just as hard or harder than anybody on that stage. You know what I do? I connect. I get people off. I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off."

27. Big Fish - Ed Bloom gets carried into the river

This and Batman are the only Tim Burton movies I like. OOH LOOK AT ME! I'M TIM BURTON! I REMAKE CLASSIC TALES INTO CREEPY THINGS WITH JOHNNY DEPP! AREN'T I SO AMAZING? No, Tim. This schtick got old right around Beetlejuice.

Sorry, getting off on a Tim Burton tangent there. Anyway, the climactic scene of Big Fish is wonderfully imaginative.

26. Pan's Labyrinth - The Faceless Monster

You know the scene I'm talking about. Perhaps the most genuinely terrifying scene of the decade. What makes the scene terrifying is what isn't happening, and what you know is going to happen. From the moment the little girl is warned not to take any food off the table you know exactly what's going to happen. And then you see the creature that is going to be the one to enact this curse, and it's not doing anything. In fact, most of Pan's Labrynth is terrifying because of what we're all expecting to happen more than what actually is happening. And that's brilliant moviemaking.

25. Grizzly Man - "I protected the animals! I did it! Fuck you!"

Another documentary scene involving a single camera shot. This time, Grizzly Man is completely losing his mind. Like the Flaming Lips scene, it's brutal to watch, especially knowing how the story ends.

24. Comedian - Jerry shoots the shit with other comedians

Hmmm, I'm loading up on too many documentary scenes here. Oh well.

I loved 2/3rds of the movie Comedian. Every scene with Jerry Seinfeld was funny and/or riveting. Every scene with that other comedian, Orny Adams or something, was awful to watch. I understand what the filmmakers were trying to do, but it didn't work. The story of Seinfeld going back to his roots and getting back into the game was the real story. And the scene where we get an inside look at how comedians act around each other and develop material, at 3 AM at some dive in New York, that's the stuff we want to see.

23. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - Highlander won the Academy Award for Best Movie Ever Made

I could watch an hour and a half of Will Ferrell and Sascha Baron Cohen outtakes. And the stuff they leave in the movie is pretty good too.

Wow. I feel like I'm Highlander!
What is the Highlander?
It's a movie. It won the Academy Award.
Oh for what?
Best movie ever made.

This clip isn't that scene (couldn't find it), but it gets the basic Ferrell-Cohen dynamic down

22. Scrubs - Brenden Frasier was dead the whole time

OK, so I'm allowed to throw in TV show scenes. Why the hell not? Just making up the rules as I go here.

Dr. Cox hits a home-fucking run in this scene. It's a good thing too, because if he hadn't the whole two-part episode would have come off hackey. Instead, it's possibly the marquis moment on Scrubs.

21. Shaun of the Dead - Acting like zombies

The run up to this scene of them practicing to be zombies, followed by the actual attempt at zombie-dom is the signature moment from a movie full of signature moments.

20. Super Size Me - When he vomits out of his car

Once again, the unscripted, single camera doc shot rears it's ugly head. And I mean ugly. I'm so glad that youtube has the runnup to the throw up. He seems so excited in the beginning.

19. Zoolander - The Pre-Orgy Dirt Room Conversation

Up until the actual orgy, the dirt room conversation is the most subdued scene in the entire movie, and the funniest (without Will Ferrell). There's the gasoline fight scene. There's the walk-off. But the top scene is the dirt room, pre-orgy conversation.

18. Coffee and Cigarettes - Tom Waits and Iggy Pop

In which we learn that Tom Waits performs roadside tracheotomies. Iggy Pop should have been nominated for an Academy Award for this performance. Full scene below:

17. The Legend of Ron Burgundy: Anchorman - "Boy, that escalated quickly."

Here's a case where the best part of the scene is the scene after.

Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
It jumped up a notch.
It did, didn't it?
Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

16. The Science of Sleep - How dreams are prepared

I'm not really sure why Sleep didn't get the acclaim that Eternal Sunshine got. To be sure, I loved both movies. I find the two about equal in quality, but while ES is all over these decade lists, SOS is nowhere to be found. I certainly thought Gael García Bernal's character was much more engaging and interesting than either of the leads in Eternal Sunshine.

Starts at about 0:55 to about 2:30.

15. In America - The Air Conditioner

It's too hot in their New York apartment. The kids have to take cold showers to cool off. So the father lugs an air conditioner across Manhattan, even through traffic. And now I relinquish my "World's Greatest Dad" title.

14. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - Battle at Helms Deep

OK, so this isn't really a scene because it's an hour long. But if you compare its length to the length of the entire trilogy, then it's probably about the right length to be considered a scene.

13. O Brother, Where Art Thou? - Down in the river to pray

The Coen Brothers were able to imply myth and majesty in the Dust Bowl of the 1930s, which is kind of amazing. No scene sums up the talent of these guys better than this scene.

12. Garden State - Good luck exploring the infinite abyss

In which Zach Braff climbs up on a crane and shouts at the darkness. Definitely off his meds.

11. Snatch - The Revenge of a Piker

Brad Pitt getting his ass kicked, then knocking out the guy out. It's chaos and incredibly slick. Oh yeah, don't watch these clips if you don't want to see how the movie ends.

Part 1: The Fight

Part 2: The Pikey had money riding on himself

10. Amelie - How many couples are having an orgasm right now?

Quinze!

(Probably NSFW)

9. The Visitor - At immigration

This is the scene that got him the Oscar nomination. And just based on this scene, he probably should have won.

8. The Fantastic Mr. Fox - The Wolf

You'll just have to trust me on this one. Near the end of the movie there's a brief scene with a wolf. I was watching it with Girl Supercomputer and we both kept talking about how it was our favorite scene of the whole move. There's nothing particularly shocking about the scene. It's just the Wes Anderson has proved to be an unparalleled crafter of scenes. And he can apparently do it with puppets as well.

7. Half Nelson - The Delivery

6. Punch Drunk Love - "I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine."

It's a shame that this is all we're apparently getting out of Adam Sandler, dramatically. Because PT Anderson gets him to put his best work forth, especially in the final confrontation scene.

Now get the fuck out of here, pervert!
Didn't I warn you?!!!!
That's that!...

Scene is from 1:50 to 4:30:

5. Children of Men - Final scene/shot

It wasn't until the second time I saw this movie that I realized the last climactic "scene" which sprawls out probably 15 minutes, is done all in a single shot. Much of the movie is done in this style. What makes this scene particularly incredible is the method in which it's shot and the content, when everyone puts down their guns in honor of the newborn child.

4. Fog of War - Lesson 5: Proportionality should be a guideline of war

"In order to win a war shoud you kill 100,000 people in one night?"

3. Six Feet Under - Everyone Dies

After the second season of SFU, I had pretty much given up on the show. It was just too damned heavy. Then I was in a hotel in Los Angeles and happened to catch the last 15 minutes of what turned out to be the last episode. As soon as I got home I demanded we plow through the rest of the series, just to get to that final episode.

Another true story: like all good Americans, we have Netflix and we had orchestrated it so we had the last two discs of the series and we were going to watch them. We got through the first disc and all we had left was the last episode on the last disc. WE HAD SPENT MONTHS WATCHING THIS SHOW AND GETTING TO KNOW THESE CHARACTERS! So we put in the disc and IT'S BROKEN! So Mrs. Supercomputer calls around to every Hollywood video in town to find it. It's 1 AM, mind you. And she agrees to go rent it right then and there. She does and once she returns and pops it in, the tears start coming.

It's an incredible way to wrap up a TV series that had such amazing characters. It was also devastating: I am emotionally scarred from ever getting into a HBO series ever again thanks to Six Feet Under. I'm stepping back into the shallow end with Showtime's Weeds, but I'm simply not emotionally ready for another SFU-like series.

Again: do not watch if you don't want to see it!

2. There Will Be Blood - Daniel Plainview's Baptism

This gives me chills. I have nothing to add.

1. The Life Acquatic with Steve Zissou - The Jaguar Shark

I don't get it. Bill Murray gets all sort of accolades for playing himself in Lost in Translation (rightfully so) but there's next to nothing for his much more dynamic and three-dimensional Steve Zissou? In a movie where he actually had to develop and show emotions? Honestly, I think Murray and the entire movie suffered from it becoming not cool to like Wes Anderson anymore. He had made three feature films and critics were turning on him under the guise of "he's not evolving his style" which is a crock of horseshit. He's defined the moviemaking style of the entire decade. Lost in Translation doesn't work without its predecessors, the deadpan Rushmore and Bottle Rocket.

The Life Acquatic was great to see in the movie theater because it's spectacularly colored and layerd. However, that doesn't mean it can't be affecting on the small screen as well. Sure the snazzy looking fish is great to look at, but Bill Murray's character makes the movie great to return to over and over.

So we have two Wes Anderson clips, two PT Anderson clips and two Richard Jenkins clips in the top 10. Although these are just a scant few of a great scenes one can cobble together. Hope you enjoyed them!

Let me know what I've missed!

Top 10 Albums of 2009

2009-12-26T05:06:00.004-06:00

(It's the most joyous time of the year. That time when we stop what we're doing. Take some time off work. And make lists in order to prove how smart we are.

Today's list: Top 10 Albums of the Year)

(Oh and by the way, if you're only reading this blog post via Facebook notes, ho boy! You are missing so much. For instance, did you know that this blog has a nice, blue background? It's true! And there's embedded mp3's, pictures, and a really nice logo up there at the top! Seriously! Check it out!)

Two-thousand and nine is the year that we all became comfortable with artists getting their own. Several of the top albums on this list and others features bands that have "polished" their sound a bit. Metric, St. Vincent, Regina Spektor, and even Grizzly Bear put forth albums that are much more slickly produced ... and everyone was ok with that. Phoenix sold "1901" to a car commercial ... and we're ok with that. I think we've all realized that this decade, in all of it's Internetical glory, has stripped artists of much of their earning power to the point that albums are now a loss leader. So we're ok with artists appearing on Grey's Anatomy. It used to be called "selling out," but now I think we've evolved to the point where we can accept an artist trying to make a buck with slicker songs or schilling for Buick. When Coldplay glitzed up their sound way back in the mid-2000s people killed them. Turns out, they were just ahead of their time (by a whopping four years). But it turns out, you can still make great music, even if it is a bit polished. That isn't to say any of the aforementioned artists must necessarily be entirely neutered. Metric and St. Vincent are great examples of artists that may have scrubbed their sound a bit, but haven't lost any teeth.

Without wanting to do any sort of research that doesn't actually provide me sums of money, I'm going on record right now saying this was the best year of music in my lifetime. Could it be that thanks to Amazon.com's MP3 page, I have more access to more albums than ever? Maybe. Could it be that I cut down on drinking beer because of my Amazon.com MP3 addiction? Perhaps. But that should tell you just how much great music there was this year: I forwent beer for music albums! In years past, I haven't even been able to rank 10 albums either because of lack of access or lack of great albums. But this year, we have lots of both. It was difficult to narrow this list down to 10.

Honorable mention / it almost killed me to leave them out:
Phoenix, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Bishop Allen, Grr...
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Up From Below
The Avett Brothers, I and Love and You
Foreign Born, Person to Person

And now.... the Top 10 Albums of 2009.

10. Metric, Fantasies.

Exhibit A in the "It's ok to polish your sound now" meme. "Gimmie Sympathy" is extremely juiced up as far as production value goes, but it still managed to make our Top 25 songs list. Most of the album is still true to Metric's aggressive sound and lyrics ("Heard you fuck through the wall" anyone?). The end result of all this ok-ness with polish is not an overproduced techno album, but an incredibly engaging and dynamic one. That's what 2009 gave us in a nutshell.

9. Bowerbirds, Upper Air.

Maybe we suffered a bit of Bon Iver-overload last year, but it's puzzling to see why the Bowerbirds didn't get more critical acclaim for their 2009 album. You won't find better vocal harmonies and great raw acoustic instrumentation. This is probably exhibit A in the case against the "It's ok to polish your sound now" meme.

8. Beirut, March of the Zapotec.

March of the Zapotec marries essentially two EPs together in the form of an album. The first half is inspired by south-of-the-border funeral/celebratory horn arrangements, while the second half is just lead Zach Condon doing his own thing. This might (and apparently has) rubbed some critics the wrong way. But don't let that get in the way of a great, great enjoyable album. Think of it as two for the price of one. Once you accept that tiny little fact, you can unbunch your underwear and revel in the stunning collection of songs.

7. Grizzly Bear, Veckatimest.

Boy, be careful. Once you let Grizzly Bear get a hold of you, you might not escape for weeks. At least, that's what happened to me. There's just so much incredible song crafting on Veckatimest, and it's slightly more accessible than previous albums, yet still very distant. In that respect it's kind of easy to hold Grizzly Bear at a distance, if you so desire, but I don't recommend it.

6. M. Ward, Hold Time.

I've always loved how M. Ward straddles the line between the spiritual and the secular. And Hold Time is candy in that respect. The songs are very straightforward and simple in their lyrics and instrumentation. But that doesn't prevent a depth and undercurrent of aggression, desire, and sorrow from welling up from time to time.

5. St. Vincent, Actor.

The fact that this album is "only" fifth tells you what a great year of music it really was. When this album came out, nay, when I heard the first single off the album, "Actor Out of Work," I was absolutely convinced this was the best album of the year. And it still might be. Just know that St. Vincent has earned the coveted Buy No Matter What status from Dear Mr. Supercomputer. As Regina Spektor and Leslie Feist exit stage right, I was extremely encouraged by Actor. Actor doesn't sacrifice one ounce of what made Annie Clark's debut album Marry Me so special. It's got the same level of aggression, cleverness, and an additional level of vintage Clark guitar shredding.

4. The Antlers, Hospice.

An incredible concept album, Hospice was written at a time when lead man Peter Silberman was spending a lot of time in a children's cancer ward. That's about all you need to know about the emotional weight of Hospice. This album may wreck you.

3. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, It's Blitz!.

Not being a YYY fan per se, I'd be willing to bet that It's Blitz! may have rubbed a few of the hardcores the wrong way. It's pretty polished and focused. That said, the opener "Zero" and "Dull Life" alone make the album great. "Zero" is hip enough for all us newcomers while "Dull Life" is aggressive enough to satisfy the rock contingent. In between, there's solid track after solid track. And that certainly makes a great album.

2. Dan Deacon, Bromst.

As I chronicled before, I loved this album so much on first listen, I nearly died in a fiery car crash on I-25. That's how great this album is: it's crash-worthy. Along with the top album below, this album resonated in a way that few albums do. While it's incredibly hyperactive, Dan Deacon allows us to breathe a bit in between the frenetic noise-hooks. For the best example, check out the track, "Snookered" (above). The evolution of this song from start to finish is mind boggling. You could teach a class on it. Starting from slow, sparse xylophone chimes, Dan Deacon adds layer upon layer (and begins taking layers away), until all of a sudden, you're enraptured in a fast-paced sonic wonderland. At that point, Deacon drops the frenetic sampling and leads us back to the sparse xylophone. At that point, you remember where the song started, how far you came, and just what an incredible piece of music this is. That's what the entire album is like.

1. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, vs. Children.

You can pretty much extrapolate what I said about my #3 song of the year to the entire album. The melodies may be simple, but the soundscape and lyrics are incredibly rich. This and Bromst resonated in a way that only a few albums have. You know, those albums that you mention when you play the "stranded on a desert island" game in your head.Interweaving specific themes of child rearing, crime, and spirituality beautifully with more universal themes of fear, insecurity, and hope, vs. Children is often beautiful and raw. Also, like Bromst, you won't see vs. Children on many Top 10 lists. At least, I haven't yet, and I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it's to be expected: upon first listen, it doesn't necessarily grab your attention the way other, "bigger" albums do. The opening track is simply a major chord while the opening song, my favorite of the year, isn't very "hookish." But after perhaps two or three listens, you really begin to get to know the characters Owen Ashworth presents, often in first person. The people Ashworth play in vs. Children are as deep and complex as any album in other top 10 lists, or shit, any literary character, portend to be. And after those two or three listens, you'll want to give it a few more dozen go-rounds, like any good book or good movie. For those who are willing to spend the time, this is the most rewarding album I've heard in years.

Top 5 Songs I Already Can't Believe I Left Out of My Top 25 Songs

2009-12-23T15:54:00.005-06:00

See, I told you this was hard. After rereading the previous post and listening to some of 2009's best again, I simply can't leave out the following songs. I don't care where you insert them, but just put them in there somewhere (see, this is why we need a playoff system!). I seriously would not have been able to sleep tonight if I didn't throw these five songs out there.

Shall we say, Top 30? And I am making absolutely no promises this won't get stretched into, say, a top 35.

1. "Wavin' Flag," K'Naan

2. "Charlie Darwin," The Low Anthem

3. "You, Sailor," Erin McKeown

4. "The Walls Are Coming Down," Fanfarlo

5. "Blood Oranges," Foreign Born

Top 25 Songs of the Year

2009-12-23T12:36:00.014-06:00

(It's the most joyous time of the year. That time when we stop what we're doing. Take some time off work. And make lists in order to prove how smart we are.

Today's list: Top 25 Songs of the Year)

Like the Top 25 college football teams of the BCS system, the Top 25 songs is always a huge clusterfuck. This year, I made it a point not to have any repeat artists in the Top 25, just so we get a more dynamic list, which I suppose in some respects, renders the list moot if there are restrictions on it. But let's try not to get our underpants too bunched up about music and movie lists, ok? If you want to argue that Grizzly Bear should be higher or that "Song X" should be included, well that's the whole fun of these lists, right?

Anyway, commentary is included for most songs, but restricted a bit for some songs that may appear again on our Albums of the Year post.

Should you feel so inspired, take a listen to ALL 25 SONGS via this handy little widget from grooveshark right here, or individually below:

And now, on to the top songs.

25. "Hurt Feelings," Flight of the Conchords

Before we get started let me say that I spent about four hours listening to this and "Carol Brown" to decide which one I put on this list. They're both excellent and indicative of FOTC's second season. Here's the thing: FOTC's second proper album, I Told You I Was Freaky is actually really good music. What it may lack in humor relative to their Season 1 album it makes up for in musical and production chops. That isn't to say it isn't freaking hilarious. "Hurt Feelings" is brilliantly funny and also incredibly catchy.

24. "Northern Lights," Bowerbirds

23. "The Concubine," Beirut

22. "Satellite Heart," Ayna Marina
21. "Possibility," Lykke Li

Two really great songs from ... ahem ... the ... uh ... new moon soundtrack.

Actually, I think we're at the point where we can be adults about this: THE TWILIGHT: NEW MOON SOUNDTRACK IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD! And if it weren't for Dark Was the Night (later), it would be the best compilation album of the year. Of course, DWTN only has one song on this list.

20. "True or False," Bishop Allen

Girl Supercomputer's song of the year. Even if we both mess up the chorus when we try to sing it.

19. "Laughing With," Regina Spektor

Yes, it's pretty much the antithesis of everything we loved about Regina Spektor way back on Soviet Kitcsh. To that extent, "Laughing With" probably isn't as good as "Genius Next Door." Frankly much of Spektor's 2009 album Far ventures a bit too closely to Vanessa Carlton territory. (Seriously, compare that song to the last minute of "Dance Anthem of the 80's," starting at say, the 2:22 mark. Oh boy! Here comes the hate mail!) Still, while Regina Spektor's emotional "Laughing With" is manipulative and undoubtedly Grey's Anatomy-bound, the first time you heard it, you stopped and listened intently. And frankly, I still do.

18. "Epistemology," M. Ward

17. "Wilco the Song," Wilco

I was rather disappointed with Wilco (the Album), but the opening track is inspired. Unfortunately, the momentum doesn't carry over.

16. "Tenuousness," Andrew Bird

I was also a bit disappointed with AB's Noble Beast. It's a good album and all, but a bit of a step backwards from the trajectory offered by The Mysterious Production of Eggs and Armchair Apocrypha. To that point, "Tenuousness" is probably the most like Apocrypha in terms of lyrics, tempo, and instrumentation.

15. "Young Adult Friction," The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

14. "Sylvia," The Antlers

Let's just say I spent several hours deciding which Antlers song to put on this list. Being a concept album and all, it's hard to single out one song.

13. "Two Weeks," Grizzly Bear

12. "Gimmie Sympathy," Metric

11. "You Are the Blood," Sufjan Stevens

Once again, Sufjan Stevens manages to affect the music scene without producing a proper album. Then again, according to an interview with Paste magazine, he's bored of the album concept and not in the mood to produce them anymore. As a one-time SS syncophant, I will paraphrase George Costanza: "Now you listen to me: I want details (albums) and I want them right now. I don’t have job , I have no place to go… you’re not in the mood: well you get in the mood"

10. "This Tornado Loves You," Neko Case

In case you've ever wondered what it was like to be in love with an actual tornado, you can either A) join the CSU Atmospheric Science department, or B) listen to Neko Case.

9. "I and Love and You," The Avett Brothers

This song is simply classic and could have been written in any decade since 1920: "Brooklyn, Brooklyn, let me in, are you aware the shape I'm in?" The opening line of this song and this album is almost chill-inducing.

8. "Blood Bank," Bon Iver

7. "My Body's a Zombie For You," Dead Man's Bones

In addition to being a great actor, did you know that Ryan Gossling sings and plays music? And that Mrs. Supercomputer would totally run away with him if she could?? Although in her defense, after listening to Dead Man's Bones, I would probably consider it as well. From the moment it was released, it immediately became the base and Ultimate Halloween album. And it's about damn time. How come it took so long to rid ourselves of the wretched, "Monster Mash?"

P.S. Have you noticed that DMS has a weird fascination with zombies?

6. "Lisztomania," Phoenix

Why did this years' Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix receive such acclaim while other, similar past efforts by Phoenix left them relatively under the radar? This song and this song alone. Not that the rest of the album isn't great, but "Lisztomania" sets it apart by a few miles.

5. "Dull Life," Yeah Yeah Yeahs

4. "Woof Woof," Dan Deacon

3. "Tom Justice, the Choir Boy Robber, Apprehended At Ace Hardward in Libertyville, IL," Casiotone for the Painfully Alone

Don't let the incredibly long and possibly pretentious name fool you: this is a musically and lyrically sparse and subtle song. However, it is also incredibly lush and sprawling in theme. It may take a few listens, but once you get to that point, it's possible to just put it on repeat and call it a day.

2. "Actor Out of Work," St. Vincent

In the same way this song jumps out at you from the first chord, this song jumped out at us from the moment we saw it. Actually, it's a pretty significant upset by the song at #1 to be able to usurp "Actor Out of Work."

1. "Home," Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Our favorite, and probably most unique song of the year goes to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' "Home." It's got whistling, back-and-forth vocals, dialog and layers upon layers. It's honestly like nothing you've ever heard and that was just enough to break a tie with "Actor." While all the songs in the Top 10 are creative in their own idiosyncratic way, "Home" is uniquely unique (who scored a 6 on the GRE written portion? *this guy!*).

We're going to let the cat out of the bag a bit here and state that Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' 2009 album Up From Below is not one of our top 10 albums. This is not to say that "Home" is the only good song on it. Quite the contrary: "40 Day Dream," "Janglin," and "Up From Below" would all make the top 25 songs if it weren't for the one-song-per-artist restriction. No, rather, it's a testament to just how great a year in music it was. Cutting off the list at 10 was difficult. In any other year "Home" alone (get it!) would make Up From Below would launch it into the top 10 albums, but 2009 was just that good.

Take us out, guys.

Stay tuned for Albums of 2009!

(P.S. Song title that made me laugh out loud: Canadian Invasion, “Standing On The Shoulders Of The Carcass Of John Mayer”)

Top 10 Kids DVDs to Own That Won't Annoy the Crap Out of Parents

2009-12-15T22:22:00.004-06:00

(It's the most joyous time of the year. That time when we stop what we're doing. Take some time off work. And make lists in order to prove how smart we are.

Today's list: Top 10 Kids DVDs to Own That Won't Annoy the Crap Out of Parents)

If there's two things we love doing on this blog, it's making lists and giving parenting advice, and we are amazing at both. In that vein, I'm here to offer some crucial advice to you, my goof readers, who are either a parent, thinking of becoming a parent, or becoming a parent without thinking about it. I'm offering you the Top 10 Kids DVDs to Own That Won't Annoy You to Death.

Let me be clear: this is VERY different than Best Kids Movies or something like that. That's a totally different list. On that list, you'll end up with stuff like the Lion King or Fox and the Hound. Both are fine movies, but I'm telling you: you do NOT want these movies to be a permanent fixture in your household. Lion King may be great the first three, four or even ten times you watch it. But after a while, you're wishing Whoopie Goldberg would have just killed Simba like Scar asked halfway through the movie so you don't have to suffer through the Elton John songs coming up in the second half.

You see, if your kids are like my kids (and they ARE: all kids are the same until the age of 5. The exact. same) they'll want to watch it every single damn day. And you might let them, say, once a month, watch it. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VIEWINGS THAT ADDS UP TO OVER THE COURSE OF A CHILDHOOD? A fucking lot, that's how many. And it's loud! My God is it loud! There's roaring, lightning, thundering herds, all of which made it memorable in the theater, but makes it a fucking headache at home. Trust me parents, rent The Lion King, own the DVDs below.

In order to be scientific about this list, we're employing a five category system. Each category rates from one to ten with ten being the platonic ideal, one being Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame with the volume turned all the way up.

Here are the five categories.

1) Rewatchability, like 300 times. Like I said, it's one thing to think a movie is good the first dozen times though, but will it still be enjoyable after you've seen it a million times? The first four times I watched Fox and the Hound I cried. It was my favorite movie. Now I detest it with my very core. I don't cry at the end anymore because Tod and Copper can't be friends anymore. And I'm starting to think that the main male character using the word "female" as an insult might be slightly chauvinistic. These are the things you pick up after watching a movie over and over.

2) Quiet! There is nothing worse than a kids movie that gets loud right as you and your spouse are starting to argue about who has to scrape the crud off the baking pan. Here's a made up stat: 70% of all divorces stem from it being too damn loud in the house. If you don't enjoy saying, "Will you please turn it down?! I'm trying to read!" then you want a movie that ranks highly in this category.

3) Educational/Sociological Benefits. OK, we figure there should be some sort of benefit to the kid watching this movie a million times. Maybe it teaches your kids how to read, how to behave, or about Christianity via talking vegetables, but it probably should be somewhat beneficial since your kids will be watching it so many times. But I promise you: no Baby Einstein videos appear on this list.

4) Parent enjoyment. Believe it or not, there are some kids DVDs that parents could like! You might even sit down to watch said movies with your children instead of taking a shower while your children are preoccupied.

5) Children enjoyment. Almost forgot this one. Seeing as they are kids DVDs, they should probably enjoy them. Otherwise, I'd probably just be listing a bunch of Nova specials in this list.

Alright, now that we have the groundwork straight, let's get to The Top 10 Kids DVDs to Own That Won't Annoy The Crap Out of Parents.

10) Wall E.
Rewatchability: 4
Quiet!: 8
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 5
Parent enjoyment: 6
Children enjoyment: 4
Total:27

It won an Oscar after all, didn't it?

9) Thomas the Tank Engine
Rewatchability: 4
Quiet!: 10
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 5
Parent enjoyment: 2
Children enjoyment: 6
Total: 27

Thomas the Tank Engine is on this list only because it's so fucking mild mannered and yet it still keeps children rapt in attention. And there are a million DVDs so you should be able to find some on the cheap. Never mind that it's sort of brain numbing and slightly terrifying (their mouths don't move!). There is a caveat here: Thomas the Tank Engine merchendise is EXPENSIVE. I'm not sure why PBS has to run a fund-raising drive when they can milk this cash cow for all it's worth. $75 for a Thomas Lego starter set?? Like hell I'm pledging!

8) The Adventures of Milo and Otis
Rewatchability: 6
Quiet!: 7
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 4
Parent enjoyment: 3
Children enjoyment: 8
Total:28

The entirety of the Rewatchability factor is that Dudley Moore narrates.

7) Arthur
Rewatchability: 4
Quiet!: 5
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 7
Parent enjoyment: 8
Children enjoyment: 8
Total: 32

This is an awesome show. Really it is. It's very adult-themed as well. There's one where Buster's single mom starts dating a guy. There's one where D.W.'s favorite TV show gets canceled. It's stuff we all go through, kids and adults.

6) Wallace and Gromit
Rewatchability: 6
Quiet!: 6
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 5
Parent enjoyment: 8
Children enjoyment: 8
Total: 33

There should be a bonus category for claymation, but maybe that's built in to the Children Enjoyment category. I think children are amazed at claymation. "It's just like my toys, but they're moving and talking somehow!" For the record, I'm kind of amazed as well.

5) Curious George
Rewatchability: 6
Quiet!: 8
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 6
Parent enjoyment: 7
Children enjoyment: 8
Total: 35

Want your kids' movie to be enjoyable for parents? I'll give you three ingredients and you won't go wrong: 1) Jack Johnson soundtrack, 2) narration by William H. Macy, 3) Will Ferrell as the lead voice. That movie will be sitting on my shelf as soon as it's available.

4) Shaun the Sheep

Rewatchability: 8
Quiet!: 10
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 2
Parent enjoyment: 8
Children enjoyment: 8
Total: 36

There's no dialog! Nothing! No stupid voices or shouting or anything! It's just sheep getting into silly situations! Our kids love it. I love it. And you can get it as a two-pack with Wallace and Gromit. What are you waiting for???

3) The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Rewatchability: 10
Quiet!: 8
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 4
Parent enjoyment: 9
Children enjoyment: 7
Total: 38

OK some would call this cheating since it's not on DVD yet and I couldn't possibly have seen it 300 times. But I swear I will watch this movie as often as any Wes Anderson movie. And I rewatch Wes Anderson movies a lot. I'm sort of speculating on the Children Enjoyment factor (as opposed to my otherwise crack research of arbitrarilty assigning it a number) because Girl Supercomputer was enthralled ... at the movie theater. I think it'll be marginally less enthralling for children at home when I'm not forcefeeding her popcorn and the digital stereo is turned up so loud her teeth are chattering.

Tied for 1) Planet Earth

Rewatchability: 10
Quiet!: 7
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 8
Parent enjoyment: 10
Children enjoyment: 4
Total: 39

Yes, we have our first every DMS list tie! I guess that's what happens when you go about things hack-scientifically. Anyway, Planet Earth is awesome and everyone should own it. But make sure it's the David Attenborogh narrated one! The US version is narrated by Sigourney Weaver! Capable, but nowhere near as entertaining as an old British guy. You'll not the only weak spot is the apparent lack of Children Enjoyment, however, this is relative. Kids like it, but if you give them the choice of watching Planet Earth or, say, Dinosaur Train, of course they'll say Dinosaur Train (seriously, Dinosaur Train is the most simple and brilliant fucking idea ever. What do kids like? Dinosaurs! And trains! I got it! A show about dinosaurs who go on trains! It's called Dinosaur Train!). But that's why, as parents, you have to dictate what they watch. And kids, you're watching alligators eat wildebeests!

Tied for 1) My Neighbor Totoro

Rewatchability: 9
Quiet!: 7
Educational/Sociological Benefits: 6
Parent enjoyment: 8
Children enjoyment: 9
Total: 39

It's a Japanese animated movie from the same guy that made Spirited Away, except it won't frighten your children. It's one of the few childrens movies that isn't at all condescending. There's actually pauses between the action and there isn't a constant barrage of french horn and strings in the background. In other words, it's an actual good movie. The only downside: it's out of print and you have to get it secondhand at a ridiculous cost on ebay. So we just constantly rent it from the library over and over again. And frankly I think someone else in Fort Collins has that same idea. Whoever it is, STOP PLACING A HOLD ON MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO! That's my gig!

So to all you parents, wannabe parents, or just gonnabe parents, here's your X-mas DVD shopping list.

Top 10 Rites of Passage Our Kids Won't Have to Deal With

2009-12-09T14:05:00.005-06:00

It's the most joyous time of the year. That time when we stop what we're doing. Take some time off work. And make lists in order to prove how smart we are.

Today's list: The Top 10 Rites of Passage Our Kids Won't Have to Deal With

Alright, this is going to come off a little "crotchety old man"-esque. But there are a slew of Rites of Passage that we had to go through in order to become a civilized human. I'm not talking about the "uphill in the snow both ways" joke. I'm talking about the little things that annoyed us, but taught us the valuable life lesson of "quit your whining!" You know how our parents told us that we were growing up soft? Well if that's true, then our children are going to grow up downright ethereal. Because they won't have to put up with any of the following ten things.

10. Renting stuff from the video store.

Have you seen a Blockbuster parking lot these days? There's usually two cars parked in it, just enough for the two employees that are working there. Netflix has not only crushed the once-powerful Blockbuster video, but is now pissing on its grave. I have fond memories of Waco's Blockbuster on Friday night. It was always packed! You'd think there wasn't a whole lot to do in Waco!

9. Metal playscapes that burn your skin right off.

After a full day of sitting in the sun, those metal slides had to be radiating at about 200 degrees Farenheit. In fact, I think if we harnessed the energy emitting from those things, we could replace coal as our largest energy fuel. I'm not quite sure how solar panels are supposedly so inefficient when I still have burns from metal slides I rode when I was six. Now they're all plastic and don't even give you splinters or anything. My god, look at that thing. It's harder on you than those Marines obstacle courses.

8. Being discriminating when taking photos.

Remember back when you got your pictures developed at Eckards or whatever? There was always three or four pictures where you had your thumb over the lense. But you didn't know until after you paid them! And the photo developers are like, "what a freaking moron! Ha ha! There's 32 cents down the drain for this guy!" Now it's just point and click every five seconds. The result is facebook photo albums that run 300 pages. I'm not sure that's a complete improvement.

7. Rewinding.

You should see Girl Supercomputer when we're waiting for a tape to rewind. All our Disney movies are VHS tapes, so whenever she wants to watch old sexist Disney movies that will inevitably give her an eating disorder, we have to rewind the tapes. You'd think we were waterboarding her. "Why can't I watch it now?!! Why isn't it ready!! Ahh!!!" Because, sweetie, you have to rewind these damn things. When you hear the loud THUD, indicating the tape is properly rewound, you can come get daddy from the kitchen, where I'll be drinking whiskey.

6. Getting your Nintendo to work.

Everyone had their own trick for getting their NES to work properly. Usually it involved some sort of blowing on the video game itself. Sometimes there was rhythmic pumping of the console itself, up and down, followed by a continous pushing of the RESET button. It took like 20 minutes to get the NES working. Maybe that's why we actually thought those games were good.

5. Changing disks on computer games.

If you grew up as a total dork like me, you played the Sierra games like Kings Quest and Quest for Glory. You'd walk to a different screen and you'd have to change disks (there were usually like four or five disks per game). Then you'd walk back and have to switch again. It totally ruined the experience. You were all, "what was I supposed to do with this bird's nest again?" In other news, I had no girlfriends during my entire public education.

4. Bitching about your favorite movie not being nominated for Best Picture.

Did you hear about this one? They're extending the Best Picture category for the Oscars to 10 nominations. This is total bullshit. Now everything's going to be nominated. Any marginally good movie or three-hour historical epic is going to be nominated for Best Picture. You're not going to be able to say, "Movie X should have been nominated!" because Movie X was nominated. And if it wasn't it really musn't have been a good film.

3. Discmans.

The first time I brought a discman on a school related bus trip, everyone looked at it like I had found the holy grail. Nevermind that it skipped every four seconds in the bus or that if you EVER touched the lense is was ruined forever. Remember trying to go running with Discmans? The little clip-on to your belt was a cruel joke because it was pretty much useless when not parallel to the ground. And eventually you'd just start holding the thing like you're a waiter who's really, really late getting that cosmopolitan out.

2. Commercials.

It might be Hulu. It might be Tivo. But the age of commercials is quietly coming to an end. I have no idea what toymakers and erectile disfunction drug makers are going do to, but they'd better adapt fast.

1. Chicken Pox.

When I learned there was a vaccine for chicken pox I was floored. Chicken pox was the best/worst thing about childhood. It was awesome because you got to miss two weeks of school. It sucked because you had all these damn itchy red spots all over you. I remember when I got chicken pox in third grade. I came into class and my teacher looked at me and said, "What's wrong with your face?" Looking back, how does a third grade teacher not expect and immediately recognize chicken pox? Anyway, they sent me home and I missed two weeks of school. And I got my first B ever in school. But it was totally worth it.

Top 10 People Who Helped Keep Us Sane in 2009

2009-12-08T22:06:00.003-06:00

After last year, we thought 2009 would be a cake walk in terms of keeping our sanity. After all, the election was over and we figured we'd have at least one year of good will. I mean, surely, even if things were tough for a year, we'd remember that things went to hell in 2008, right? The DMS household was done for the baby phase (now, and forevermore). The Browns had a surprisingly bad record in 2008, there's no way they could be worse in 2009. And besides, they had the #5 pick! Sure to be a play maker at $5! And, as the ball fell on 2008, the Cavs had the best record in the NBA and we're becoming one of the funnest teams to watch ever.

It all went to shit in 2009. 2009 was probably worse than 2008. The goodwill towards our first black president was over from the moment John Roberts fucked up the swearing in. And to be perfectly honest, Obama hasn't earned a ton of points on actually, you know, getting things done. As for Cleveland sports, the Cavs suffered the most prolific punch to the gut in sports history, and causing a full-scale DMS meltdown. The Browns are somehow worse. And the Indians traded away their two best players for pennies on the dollar. Oh, and for bonus points, Sabathia and Cliff Lee faced off in Game 1 of the World Series! Hey, I remember those guys! I loved those guys!

Tea Parties, Death Panels, Rashard Lewis, hacked climate emails, the Birthers. It's all we could do without wanting to run into oncoming traffic. As with last year, there were a few (hey! Ten! Whaddya know!) distinct persons who made 2009 just bearable enough so as to not lie down in the snow and take a nap that lasts forever. These are those ten people.

10. Zooey Deschanel. Was this the year of Zooey Deschanel? It's hard to argue. After collaborating with M. Ward via She & Him, she loaned her talents to M. Ward on Hold Time on the song "Never Had Nobody Like You." She married Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard, evoking the classic Costanza-ism, "you could have done a lot better that this guy!" She even abducted Shane Botwin. At the beginning of 2009, I did not know who this girl was. Now she's a part of every facet of my life. Actually, it's at the precipice now, chances are three months into 2010 and we'll all be sick of her.

9. J. E. Skeets. Author of the brilliant blog Ball Don't Lie on Yahoo! sports. It's probably the best actual sports blog out there. It's the first place I go to check the box scores (or, rather, to go behind the box scores). In addition, Skeets is a great Tweeter. Don't diminish the importance and the difficulty of being a good Tweeter.

8. Beirut. The band, not the place. Like Zooey, I didn't know much about Beirut at the beginning of the year, but by the year's end, Beirut's constantly streaming from my work computer, repeating all three of their albums. Also, they had a frigging fantastic "Takeaway Show" on La Blogotheque.

#64.1 - Beirut - Nantes
by lablogotheque

7. Tor. Who is Tor? We're not totally sure. But we do know that he mashed up Sufjan Stevens songs with rap songs to make one of the coolest albums you'll ever listen to. And he (?) put it up online for everyone to download for free. It's a simply amazing project. Like Beirut, Tor's mash-up album Illinoize was a constant in the DMS office this year. Beirut and mash-up rap. It was a fun year for music.

6. Drew Magary. Being one of the editors on the psuedo-NFL blog Kissing Suzy Kolber was and is apparently only the tip of the iceberg for a man once dubbed "Big Daddy Balls" by the author of Friday Night Lights. Now he's a regular at Deadspin, he's got another book coming out, and was even a guest on our third favorite podcast. He's also got great parenting and marital advice as part of his "Father Knows Shit" series, once a blog. A must follow for sports fans, husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers, or if you simply wish to be any of those things. Not children though. Definitely not for children.

5. Josh Cribbs. So the story goes that in 2008 (remember those halcyon days??) Browns' kick returner was promised a better contract than the bottom feeding one he's got right now. Then the Browns cleaned house and brought a bunch of douchebags in (ok, one douchebag). Now the head douchebag is going back on the promise that was made to Cribbs (shown below, earning my undying respect). You'd think that Cribbs would throw a temper tantrum seeing as he's the Browns' only offensive weapon. I would have thrown a temper tantrum for sure. But instead, Cribbs isn't making waves and going out and doing another kickass job of returning kicks. In a dreary Browns season, he's one bright spot.

4. Ken Tremendous (aka. "Michael Schur"). When our favorite blog of all time, Fire Joe Morgan, shut down, I was crushed. Of course, Michael Schur went on to write for the Office and now is a writer for one of my favorite shows, Parks and Recreation. And now, Ken Tremendous is back, in Twitter form! It's like a blog, but way shorter! And you have to constantly be on it! Anyway, we're happy to have Ken Tremendous back in our lives in any medium. His account of his time in front of his Death Panel was one of my favorite hours of the Internet ever.

3. Emily Bazelon. I forgot to mention in my tirade of Things That Would Have Made Me Go Insane If It Weren't For These People the parade of all these rich, which Senators lecturing a woman who is much smarter than them on the Constitution. Imagine! A Hispanic woman might have a different ("better?") outlook on discrimination cases than a white male? The devil you say! As a white male, I feel like I'm perfectly justified in all my decisions about race and sex discrimination. I also would like to send my blueprints to NASA to show them how to make their space ships cooler looking. And I called up Richard Branson to sell him a few stock tips, SINCE I'M THE BEST JUDGE OF ALL THOSE THINGS.

Even if it's backed up by published papers with evidence and what not, Sonya Sotomayor predictably had to walk back that sentence. Anyway, during this ridiculous charade, we had the spectre of the New Haven firefighters case and EVERYONE HAD AN OPINION even though they knew nothing about what the case was actually about. Pretty soon everyone just started calling each other "racists" and Democracy was achieved. But Emily Bazelon, a regular on our 7th and 4th favorite podcasts, co-authored a seminal article about the case and all its nuances. Bazelon is a Supreme Court junkie like few others, and somehow manages to make the cases seem interesting. In fact, he makes even the legal arguments seem interesting. When I'm president, Bazelon will be my first nominee to the Supreme Court. Even if I have to pack it.

2. Jon Stewart. Last year, I lumped Stewart and Colbert together since they had both elevated their games to such a high level. I'm not saying the Colbert has slipped, but Jon Stewart has become the best media watchdog alive, in addition to being incredibly funny. This year Stewart caught Sean Hannity blatantly doctoring videotape and handed Jim Cramer his own ass on a platter to the point where I was feeling sorry for Cramer. It's pretty telling that his conversations with politicians and political minds, which last maybe six minutes, are lengthier and more in-depth than you'll find on 24 hours of cable news. It's probably not a good thing that Jon Stewart is our most trusted newscaster, but he is.

1. Alton Brown. Mrs. Supercomputer thought this guy was ridiculous at first. And it's hard to blame her. He's like Bill Nye the Science Guy, but with food. His show Good Eats on The Food Network is overproduced and hacky. But then she started tasting some of his recipes. Now, AB inspired cuisine is a staple in the Supercomputer household. It's not so much the recipes, but the technique. AB teaches us the "how and why" as much as the "what" and that allows us to be a better cook across the board. Now, we make incredible omelets, french toast, and fish 'n chips, among other things. But the thing that really sold Mrs. Supercomputer? His Chocolate "No-Moo"-usse Pie.

Thanks to everyone on this list. You helped me make it to 2010 alive and free of a straight jacket.

Top 10 Podcasts of 2009

2009-12-04T21:44:00.004-06:00

It's the most joyous time of the year. That time when we stop what we're doing. Take some time off work. And make lists in order to prove how smart we are.

Today's list: The Best Podcasts of 2009

Was 2009 the Year of the Podcast? It was in the DMS household, and I'm pretty sure it was in yours too. Now that everyone has an iPod and radio really really sucks now, podcasts are an essential listening experience. Side note: thank God the iPod has saturated the portable MP3-player market. I don't think I could call these "Zune-casts."

Anyway, if you have any sort of commute, you need to get into podcasts. If you have no dishwasher and need something to listen to to make you hate your spouse less while doing the damn dishes, you need podcasts. Here's a list of the best podcasts of the year, according to DMS. All of these can be found via iTunes (seriously, Zune-tunes? How dumb would that sound?)

10. "Le Show" with Harry Shearer. Takes a while to get into Harry Shearer's cadence, but well worth the time. And if it's too halting, feel free to let the following image get seared into your head.

9. Pardon the Interruption, from ESPN. If you don't have cable, you can still get your sports pep via audio podcast. Note: Around the Horn would rank 4,000th on this list.

8.NPR: It's All Politics. Fun, short podcast focusing on the politics, if not the policies, of the week.

7. Slate Political Gabfest. See, 8. Although regulars John Dickerson, Emily Bazelon, and David Plotz have incredible chemistry. Dickerson is an outstanding moderator, Bazelon is a Supreme Court guru, and Plotz is a curmudgeonly closet Libertarian. Then again, we're kind of a sucker for a political talk show that isn't either a total sham, populated by political hacks, or one big circle jerk.

6. Slate Culture Gabfest. If you were to take the best culture commentary from Slate.com, added some pretentiousness, and subtracted the ridiculous contrarian viewpoints, you'd get the Culture Gabfest.

5. Car Talk. Way back when, my treat on Saturdays was to sleep in, make a cup of coffee, and sip it while I listened to Car Talk. Now, I have kids, I drink straight espresso by the carraffe, and I listen to Car Talk whenever I damn well please.

4. Slate's Double-X Gabfest. This is a women's interest podcast. "Wait!" you're thinking to yourself. "Isn't this Dear MR. Supercomputer?" Yes. Yes it is. But the discussions are incredibly interesting and once again, Emily Bazelon is awesome.

3. Slate Hang Up and Listen (Sports Gabfest?). Just when you thought we were done being a Slate whore. Launched this year, this has quickly become the most relevent, funny, and thoughtful sports podcast. Even if you don't totally care for sports, you'll enjoy it. Hey, if I can listen to a women's interest podcast, you can listen to a sports podcast.

2. NPR: All Songs Considered. Actually, don't listen to this. Because then my music opinions will seem less cool. And I really want you to think I'm cool

1. This American Life. The best two hours of spoken word audio produced this year was not Glenn Beck's "The Christmas Sweater," but the TAL two-parter on the Health Care debate and the U.S. Health Care system. I listened to it twice. That's 4 hours of my life! I never spend more than 4 hours doing anything! Among other things I learned,

A) just how fucked up is the health care system we have,
B) how there's no incentives for anyone to not make it as expensive as possible,
C) how Baylor, our alma mater, started this whole jacked-up system, and
D) why we might have a smarter insurance system for our pets than we do for our humans.

Love that show. Love every TAL show. There's a reason they win all sorts of Peabodys every year. They deserve it.

Listomania! (Coming Soon)

2009-12-02T13:10:00.003-06:00

Just when you had assumed the death of DMS after not posting for a month, December rolls around. It's certainly the most magical time of the year: the time of year when we're inundated with a barrage of "Best of ..." lists. But this December ups the ante: it's the last year of the 00's. And yes, we know, it's technically not the end of the decade, just like 1999 wasn't the last year of the 20th century, 2000 was (DAMN YOU, GREGORIAN CALENDAR!!!) but that's not stopping us or any other media outlet from creating semi-ridiculous lists that rank Things of the Decade.

But before we get to the decadal stuff, we need to clear up some stuff about this year, 2009 first. Which we'll start doing in the next couple days. In the mean time, feel free to look over previous awesome lists we compiled in previous years. And feel free to let us know of anything you'd like us to rank. We'll rank pretty much whatever you want. We might even rank some things in groups that aren't divisible by 5 (ZOMG! A TOP 14?? BLASPHEMY!).

Things we'll definitely be ranking this year:
Songs
Albums
Beer
People who helped us stay sane
Kids shows/movies that won't drive parents crazy

Anything else that you need our expert help in determining which thing is better than some other thing?

Our Day At ABIA

2009-10-29T11:02:00.004-06:00

So the other day, let's say two weeks ago, we were forced to stay at the Austin Bergstrom International Airport for roughly 10 hours. Let's not get into why exactly we had to stay there for 10 hours, but let's just say there was a confluence of events involving, among other things, lack of transportation, a misunderstanding about Southwest's stand-by rules, Columbus Day, and bad weather in Houston. In other words, it was a huge clusterfuck of events, most of which were my own damn fault.

Anyway, I had about 10 hours to kill, so, naturally, it's important that I write about it. And it's more important that you know about it.

10:00 AM. About 8 hours before scheduled takeoff. Even though I'm ridiculously early, I figure within the really cool innards of ABIA, I can waste several hours wandering from kiosk to kiosk and bar to bar. No big deal right? WRONG. As it turns out, passengers are not allowed to check bags more than 5 hours before the scheduled takeoff. The lady at the counter literally says, "Why are you here so early?" The rule was enacted after 9/11 and I have to assume this is the first time it has ever been invoked. I mean, what kind of moron shows up to a flight more than 5 hours early?

*This guy!*

Great. So instead of squatting at Earl Campbell's overpriced bar for the next half-day (more on that later), I have to spend half of that time sitting at one of those stupid non-beer-serving coffee bars. As I'm walking away from the check-in counter, the lady mentions, "call one of your friends and tell them to come pick you up!" Well, dammit, it's Monday and every one of my friends has a job! Not one unemployed loser or grad school flake to be had amongst them. So I've got a coffee cup with free refills (I'm taking this motherfucking coffee bar to the CLEANERS!), and a slew of podcasts to listen to for the next few hours. If my iPod runs out of juice, I am screwed.

12:00 PM. 6 hours before scheduled takeoff. I've been sitting at a coffee bar for two hours and it's still another hour before I can even check my bag, thereby allowing me through security to pay for overpriced Amy's Ice Cream (worth it!). I've considered seriously about just leaving my bag in some dark corner and heading through security to grab some Salt Lick BBQ or something. I know that violates all sorts of FAA regulations, but hey, they don't ask that, "Have you always been in contact with your bags?" question anymore. I always loved that question, I always wanted to say, "yeah, actually I left my bags with that guy in the turban over there while I took a piss. Is that cool?" But of course I never did, because I'm a big fraidy cat.

1:00 PM. 5 hours before scheduled takeoff. The lady at the check-in counter looks at me like, "oh my god, seriously?" I check my bag.

1:30 PM. 4 1/2 hours before scheduled takeoff. Ahh, through security. Time to wander.

I start calling everyone I know, even though they're all working. And even though I'm burning through my Anytime Minutes like crazy. I'll probably be charged $600 for my day at the airport. Good thing I shrewdly bought evening tickets, thereby saving me money!

2:00 PM. 4 hours before takeoff. So as I'm talking on the phone to whomever is willing to shirk their work for a while I walk up and down the ABIA terminal, which only takes about 7 minutes end-to-end. After about four trips up and down the terminal I wonder if people are wondering what it wrong with that wayward weirdo. Is he so engrossed in his conversation about the baseball playoffs that he missed his flight? Why is he coming back for the sixth time?

2:30 PM. 3 1/2 hours before scheduled takeoff. I decide to grab some lunch and drink some beer at Earl Campbell's little BBQ place. $9 BBQ tacos and $8 pints of Sam Adams? Sold!

3:00 PM. 3 hours before scheduled takeoff. Here's a fun fact: I hate people!

You see, I'm sitting at the bar nursing my second Sam Adams, trying to drink it slowly since it's so damned expensive. And there's this incredibly friendly guy sitting next to me. A little undergraduate-douchiness, but friendly more or less. And he keeps trying to engage me about whatever's happening on the TV screen, which is just tuned to ESPN2. So he's trying to talk to me about sports or whatever and I just wish he would shut the hell up. And I love sports! I'm thinking, "I wish this guy would shut up so I could hear what Trent Dilfer has to say about Jamarcus Russell." Trent Dilfer! I'm clearly not in the mood for talking.

I chug the rest of my $8 Sam Adams and get walking again.

4:00 PM. 2 hours before scheduled takeoff. When I have time to kill, I eat. I hate not eating when I could be eating. So I head over to Amy's Ice Cream.

Dear ABIA, under no circumstances are you to put Salt Lick BBQ next to Amy's Ice Cream. It's incredibly disorienting. One of the last things I want to smell before I enjoy my Mexican Vanilla with Heath Bar crush'ns is barbecue sauce. Makes me a bit sick.

5:00 PM. 1 hour before scheduled takeoff. At least now I'm in the "plausibly early" range. Not "terrorist early" range.

6:00 PM. Time for scheduled takeoff. That's funny, we're supposed to be taking off right now, but I'm waiting at the gate, clearly not on the plane. Actually the plane isn't here yet. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME AIRLINE! WE'RE NOT TAKING OFF RIGHT NOW!

6:30 PM. 30 minutes after scheduled takeoff. Here's the thing. The time you spend waiting in an airport is inversely proportional to how much you care about your own safety. And if you're sitting on the plane on the runway and not taking off, you're thinking, "I don't give a damn about de-icing the plane! I don't care if this plane crashes into the ground, just get me OUT OF HERE!"

7:00 PM. And sure enough, it did. I got out of there, back to Denver, where it was 40 degrees colder. Finally.

I'd Love To Babe, but I've Got a Fantasy Football Draft

2009-08-26T21:02:00.005-05:00

Girl, you lookin' fine tonight. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to take you out for a night on the town. We'd go to the finest restaurants. We'd go to the classiest clubs. Then we'd rent a fancy hotel room and let it all hang out. But I can't.

I have a fantasy football draft.

Mmmmmm, girl. You know I love it when you put that little black dress on. I swear, that thing's like Superman's kryptonite. I can barely control myself around you. Your hair, your lips. What say you and me get together, after my 16 round serpentine style fantasy football draft this weekend? I have the fourth overall pick and I want to make it special.

Yes, it's Saturday night. And you know what Saturday night's all about. A nice dinner, some dancing. Maybe we could stop by that little cappuccino cafe that you love so very much. I hope you don't mind me bringing along this fantasy football magazine with a picture of Adrian Peterson on the cover. Yes, ma'am I expect big things from "All-day" Adrian.

And speaking of "all-day" what do you say I make you a nice breakfast tomorrow? We can have wild salmon and toast each other with mimosas, followed by four hours of solid fantasy football strategy. Who do you think I should take in the second round, Pierre Thomas or Terrell Owens. Mmmmm, girl, you know what I like...

Let's cut the foreplay and get right into it. When I look into your eyes I'm lost. I could just stare into your beautiful green eyes for hours on end. And while I'm staring, I could participate in an ESPN.com mock fantasy draft. You see, I need practice for my real draft. Awwwww, baby....

But you know what I don't need practice in? That's right, baby. I need absolutely no practice in pleasuring my woman. So long as "pleasuring" means extolling the very fine virtues of having four wide receivers and playing matchups against the defense. In such an instance, I could pleasure you all day and all night.

What say we go over to your place? You see, my place lacks the charm of your wonderful abode. and I want to you be comfortable in your own bed. And your internet connection is very reliable. That's important when I'm participating in my fantasy football draft.

We could stay together all weekend, babe. That's right. Just you and me, all weekend. There will be no ceasing of our enjoyment of each other. I'll bring roses, wine, fine cheeses, and of course, your favorite: sweet, dark chocolate. We'll treat each other like royalty. And then I'll start my auction draft. I plan on bidding $45 on DeAngelo Williams. You dig, baby? Mmmmm, that's what I like to hear.

I'd love to take you out to a fine movie, but I spent the last of my paycheck on the entrance fees to the seven fantasy leagues that I'm in. But baby, if I can win a few then we'll celebrate with nothing but the finest food in the entire town.

Baby, I know we can stay together forever like this. You and me, love knows no bounds. I'll stay by your side and love you up now and forever. Which reminds me: whom should I make my keeper player? You know, the one special player that will be by my side from year to year. Just like us, baby. Just like us.

Who Says We're a Divided Country?

2009-07-29T14:56:00.005-05:00

dearOne thing we all agree on: the Cleveland Indians suck at trading.

It's a bit unusual of us to go two posts in a row displaying statistically shoddy Internets polls, but at 87% to 13%, that's like Obama-in-Jasper, TX bad.

For the second straight year, the Indians traded away their best player, and reigning Cy Young winner because A) they suck, and B) they knew they couldn't pay them once they became free agents. We are THIS close to renouncing baseball it's pathetic.

What makes this especially bullshitty is that the Indians once again received no elite prospects. They basically just traded filet mignon for grade B beef. You know what grade B beef is good for??? MEATLOAF AND CARNE GUISADA THAT'S WHAT!!!!!

We've seen this Indians franchise torn down and rebuilt so many times in the past 10 years we can't even keep track. At least the Cavs have been on the same, disappointingly disappointing trajectory. At least the Browns suck every damn year! There's absolutely no expectations for the Browns. It's nice. But with the Indians, they go and build themselves up, set their sights on the playoffs and then BLAMMO!!! They suck indefensibly and it's time to blow the whole fucking thing up and start the whole fucking thing over.

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY, TRAVIS HAFNER, HIGHEST PAID PLAYER ON THE INDIANS? YOUR BACK HURTS?? Well mine does too! Get out there, take some HGH and hit us a few dingers! You're the one player that we decided to throw large sums of money at and now we can't pay our actually good players!

Ugh. When does football season start? Ugh. Scratch that, when does basketball season start?

MP3 of the Week: "America's Most Trusted Newscaster" Edition

2009-07-24T08:44:00.004-05:00

And now to the poll results.

OK so it's an online poll and only 9409 people responded.

Still, I think this says as much about the major three newscasters than it does about Jon Stewart. Or maybe it tells us something about where the Internets Generation gets their news. Or maybe it tells us that Iowa just loves Katie Couric (hilariously, Couric got 0% in Alaska. Wonder why that could be?).

===========================

Up until a few weeks ago Fanfarlo was offering their new album Resevoir for $1. Easily the best album deal of the year. You can still get it for $5.99 from iTunes (the download is not on Amazon yet). But that is a 600% price hike.

It's an extremely "nice" album. And we really mean that in a good way. It's just accessable enough to make it enjoyable on a first listen, yet just adventurous enough to keep you around for several more listens.

Fanfarlo - "The Walls Are Coming Down"

The Fatal Flaw of Democracy?

2009-07-22T20:53:00.002-05:00

Look, we love Democracy and all, but under the Democratic system we are about to willingly fuck ourselves over for the next 20 years. Why are we about to fuck ourselves over? Old people.

In 2003, George W. Bush signed into law the Medicare Prescription Drug Improvement and Modernization Act (MMA) which contained Medicare Part D. It was a heated process involving numerous close votes, working through 4 A.M. in the morning, and a lot of arm twisting. Without boring you with the details, the main players were Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay who twisted many arms to get the bill to pass, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, who introduced the bill. This was the costliest expansion of Medicare since its inception. And the party of fiscal responsibility just drenched the U.S. government in debt with the Baby Boomers about to start taking advantage of free prescription drugs provided courtesy of the US government.

Why did the party of fiscal responsibility, smaller government, and lower taxes decide to pass the largest fiscal expansion since Medicare's inception? Old people.

It was 2003. The mid-term was just around the corner and if there's one thing we know about old people it's that they vote. And there's a lot of them. They're about to swallow the entire damn country. And they're about to sink the whole ship.

Flash forward to today: the health care reform brou-ha-ha.

During the campaigns Obama ran, he continually stressed that he would do whatever it took to reduce the costs of entitlements. He appeared to understand the trajectory that the US was on was unsustainable. That meant reforming Social Security, maybe even cutting benefits. More importantly, it meant finding some pricing measures for the medical community. He also claimed that he was both above the petty party bickering and unassailable by any particular special interest group. He repeated that the future of this country was too important to let fall into the hands of special interest. He also spoke at length about how difficult was for the road ahead. In his inauguration speech he intoned that there would be shared sacrifice for the betterment and the well-being of this country, and we were ok with that. In fact, we even felt empowered, like we were the Next Greatest Generation. The Baby Boomers may have gotten all fat and happy, but we were going to be the generation that restores fiscal sense to our markets and our budgets.

(Ed. Note: as we reread the previous paragraph, we realize it's a bit meandering and scattershot. What we are trying to do is paint the portrait of a generation of Americans who were promised shared sacrifice in order to make this country great. And that that is exactly what Obama spoke about and embodied. You probably see where this is going.)

There are two quick, simple, and ultimately critical ways to drive down health care cost inflation and Obama and the Democrats have pretty much squelched both.

1. Taxing Health Care Benefits. Obama hammered McCain over this in the campaign. It's probably part of the reason why he won. But if health care benefits were taxed properly we'd have an incentive not to go see the doctor. Or to stay healthy. Obviously we want people to be able to see a doctor if they're sick, but it would incentivize wellness in a real and tangible way. It would mostly affect those with golden goose health plans. And these people are A) rich, or B) part of a labor union. We all know that Obama and the Democrats are ok with squeezing the rich, but they wouldn't dare cross the UAW, who have managed to negotiate extremely posh health care packages, if not better wages.

2. Cutting Medicare Benefits. There's simply no way around it: America is going to go bankrupt once the Baby Boomers start cashing in on all their years of bitching about their kids and getting botox. But just like Republicans in the early 2000's, there is no chance the Democrats are going to alienate the largest swath of reliable voters this country has.

And this appears to the fatal flaw of Democracy: you want to win elections. It incentivizes staying in power, rather than making the country better long-term. We're not sure what else there is to correct this. And it's probably not such a problem in countries that don't have a population so disproportionally represented. But as it stands, our elected officials have taken off the table the two measures which could eventually make the country fiscally solvent. And if that means driving the country off a cliff financially in order to stay in power, then so be it.

The health care reform act as it's currently being constructed is doing nothing to lower costs. Without proper incentives to drive down health care costs, it doesn't really matter what form the bill takes: mandates, universal coverage, public plan, no public plan. That's all moot, really.

In order to make this country financially solvent, a generation of politicians is going to have to get elected and say, "Old People, Labor Unions: thanks for your vote. Now you're going to have to give up some of the goodies you've been promised by prior politicians and share the sacrifice with all of us." Frankly, we thought that politician was Barack Obama. Now we're not so sure.

DMS Fatherly Advice: Eating Out

2009-07-17T13:29:00.003-05:00

We know a few things, in particular about fatherhood. In fact, we don't want to give away any Oscar spoilers, but we think we're in line for a World's Greatest Dad lifetime achievement award.

So today, and in the future, we'll be dishing out the fatherly advice for those wayward or future paterfamilias.

Today's edition: Eating Out.

=========================

Don't do it. Just don't. Please for the love of God do NOT go out to dinner with children. They don't belong in public, much less a nice setting like a fancy schmancy restraint.

You're better off doing anything besides going to a restaurant with small children. Order a pizza. Get Chinese takeout. Make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. Anything!

However, we realize that sometimes it's unavoidable. Friends without kids come in to town and you're terrified to tell them that you're terrified to go out to eat with your own little urchins. And then it promptly turns into a huge disaster that will convince your childless friends to get vasectomies and hysterectomies (just to be safe).

So while our best advice is "don't fucking do it" (hmmm... that sounds familiar), we'll try to minimize the damage with our normally outstanding parental advice.

Pick a proper restraunt. Don't go to some sushi bar or anything. The people that go to nice places like sushi bar don't want kids screaming, "THERE ARE NO CHICKEN NUGGETS!!!!!!!!" It's not fair to them. It's not fair to the kids.

However, you don't want to go to Chucky Cheese or anything, because that place is at once both a nightmare and a petri dish or horrible childhood diseases. I'm pretty sure if the CDC would take a swab of the bottom of that ball pit, they'd find some rare strain of ebola.

Pick an in-between place. A place where the food sucks just enough for the kids to enjoy, and is just annoying enough for you to hate: Red Robin? Perfect.

Sit outside. I don't care what the temperature is. I don't care if it's raining. Sit outside. It's better for everyone involved. I don't even care if they have outside seating. Drag a damn table out the back door and sit in the back alley if you have to.

Bring "supplies." Bring whatever it takes to shut your kids up while waiting for a table: strawberries, crackers, vodka. Whatever it takes.

Order your food the first time you see your waiter. It doesn't matter if you like what you're getting. Just spit out the first thing you read on the menu. Sure, your waiter might look puzzled when you order steamed rice for dinner, but don't let that waiter get away. At this point, it's all about speed.

Ketchup. Kids love ketchup. Doesn't matter what it's on. Get a bottle of ketchup. You could even use straight up ketchup if you forgot your supplies. Just squirt some ketchup on a plate and your kids will go fucking nuts. True, you might be sickened to the point where you won't even enjoy your meal of steamed rice, but at least the kids will be too busy shoveling ketchup into their faces to make you want to crawl under the table and die.

Get the check right away. Before you're done eating you need to get that check because as soon as the kids are done, that's when the Meltdown begins. As soon as they finish (them, not you!) it's time to leave. So you better have that ketchup and rice paid for. What? You're paying with credit card! Oh no you're not!

Cash. Pay with cash and have enough monitary variability to be able to just throw the money at your waiter and yell, "Keep the change!" as you and your children leave the resturaunt screaming.

Leave a huge fucking tip. I really pity the poor employees who have to clean up after the Supercomputer household is done. It looks like we got our food, stood up, held a plate of food in each hand, and just twirled around until we got dizzy. They deserve huge cash to clean up your shit.

So you walk out with your head held low and a bunch of kidless resturaunt goes whispering to themselves, "how embarrassing!" and "I'm soooo glad they're gone! I can't believe they brought their kids!" But hopefully, with a few of the tips we've provided, you won't purposefully drive into a river on the way home.

Real Time Movie Reviews: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-07-10T23:30:00.003-05:00

(Most movie reviewers like to wait until they've watched the entire movie before they submit a final review. Not us, we like to get liquored up, pop in the DVD, and let 'er rip in semi-real time. So take that, Peter Travers!!

Tonight we review, The Curious Case of Benj-)

HOLY CRAP! KILL ME NOW!! THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING LONG I WANT TO DIE!!!!! What the hell was that bit about the clock at the beginning??? Yeah, we get it! Brad Pitt is living backwards. Brilliant. We got it. We still have two and a half hours to go???!!! Holy hell!!!!

It's like the editors of this movie decided, "you know what? Fuck it. I'm tired. Everything it perfect. Let's just go with the damn raw shooting footage!" Thanks a fucking lot for that bit about the guy getting struck by lightning. NO POSSIBLE WAY WE COULD HAVE LEFT THAT OUT OF YOUR INCREDIBLY LONG BORING MOVIE?!!

Let us get this straight: we watch and LOVE P.T. Anderson movies. We thought There Will Be Blood was the best movie of that year. We watch Magnolia at least once a month. But hell if I'm ever sitting through this piece of crap again.

What?? It's an hour into the movie and Brad Pitt's still 80 fucking years old??!! Please. Kill. Me. Is this what old age is like? Is that the idea? OK, we get it. We don't need another hour and a half to teach us that lesson.

Please God, not another scene with the unintelligible dying lady. No. Not another one. They add absolutely nothing to the film. Please tell me she dies real soon and we don't have to hear from her again.

Oh, you're throwing Hurricane Katrina in there? Pretty fucking topical, Mr. Director! Is this the same directorial expertise that enabled you to bring life to Video Hits: Paula Abdul? You maggot. I'm sure that's what F. Scott Fitzgerald was thinking when he wrote this awful experience.

How in the hell did this get nominated for Best Picture? Oh that's right, because it's so long it makes you want to die. Pretty clever, stupid piece of crap movie.

This movie is so inept. It has almost three hours to work with and explores absolutely nothing of worth. There's nothing poignant about life or aging or love or anything except for the fact that I'M THREE HOURS CLOSER TO MY MORTAL MOMENT THANKS TO THIS PIECE OF CRAP!!!! I never want to see this movie again. I never want to think about this movie again.

What? There's still an hour to go before this piece of shit is over? Oh man. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on my keybrfghl;',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

New Layout! Same Pointless Posts!

2009-07-09T18:10:00.001-05:00

That's the ticket to blogging success! A new fancy layout! Brilliant!

Facebook Killed the Blogging Star?

2009-07-09T17:18:00.004-05:00

Now that Facebook and Twitter have become requirements for living, has poor Blogger gone the way of the dodo? Or just Dear Mr. Supercomputer?

It's almost as if blogs are becoming obsolete even faster than the blogs (and Craigslist) helped kill newspapers.

Recently as NBA free agency started, we were all excited because the Cavs were looking at getting Charlie Villanueva. And when CV tweeted that he was thankful for all the kind words from Cavs fans, it became clear that we no longer had much need for newspapers, blogs, or any other news-filter. It came straight from the source (side note: CV ended up signing with the Pistons. That dick.).

Right now, our Twitter feed isn't comprised of friends and DMS well-wishers. It's media people and athletes. And weather updates. And Rotten Tomatoes. Twitter and Facebook have become an all-encompassing news-tainment-feed. So why would a person want to go to this totally separate Blogger website? Unless you have a bizarre set of interests involving Cleveland sports, Colorado weather, and swearing, why would you actually visit this site, like, on a regular basis?

I'll tell you why: because we are so fucking funny. Hardy-freaking-har.

We're going to redouble (read: quadruple) our efforts to be awesome. Yes, you might not want to sit through a diatribe of why Romeo Crennel should not have been fired. But we hope to make you laugh while doing it. How?

Hmmm.... hypnotic embeded video?

Hilarious pictures?

Or just spectacularly awesome writing?

Yes. And please.

Sports Suck

2009-07-05T21:53:00.003-05:00

Seriously, anyone that follows any sport fervently needs to reevaluate their life. All sports league are fucking retarded. No exceptions. Sport itself is fine, but the manifestations of Sport in our lives is a nightmare.

Major League Baseball. The disparity in payroll makes the game unwatchable. It's not so much that the small-market teams can never compete, it's that the big market teams will never suck. You can patch over a bad trade or a hole in the lineup with a ton of money. Small market teams have to hit it *exactly right* for the chance at a 3-4 year window. But the Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers, and Cubs will never have a sub-.500 record ever again because they can patch over any problem. It used to not be a big deal when we were talking a $70 million payroll discrepency. Now it's surging past $200 million. Those big market teams can be as inept as can be, but they'll never have to suffer through a season of David Delucci. Because why should they?

Major League Baseball probably has the most fundamentally wrong with it (though probably the most lucrative, perhaps best, product to sell): The asinine draft where players are drafted due to "signability" rather than talent. Foreign academies. Oh yeah: HGH.

The National Football League. The average lifespan of an NFL player is something like 58 years old (maybe it's just linemen). I'm not sure how any rational person can look at that and not be a little sickened with themselves.

The National Basketball Association. Fouling. Any sport where you commit a foul as a strategy is fatally flawed. It makes huge sense to foul when up by 3, but as soon as coaches figure that out, we'll lose several incredible endings at the free throw line.

The National Hockey League. Hockey.

The National Basketball Association probably has the least fundamentally wrong of any of the three major sports leagues. And they have a former ref in prison for betting on games.

And if you say NASCAR deserves to be included in the discussion, you deserve a swift kick in the gonads.

The Democrats Now Have 60 Senators

2009-07-01T10:20:00.001-05:00

This is the 60th.

MP3 of the Week: "Do Not Listen While Driving" Edition

2009-06-26T22:10:00.002-05:00

Anyone that's been following the Official Dear Mr. Supercomputer Twitter feed knows a couple things:

1) I am an incredible asshole.

2) The new Best Album of the Year of the Month is Dan Deacon's Bromst.

We purchased it for $5 from Amazon.com on a lark in preparation for a huge car trip to Santa Fe. We made ourselves three albums of new music and purchased Bromst and Fanfarlo's album for $1.

Before we zipped off to Santa Fe, we had to drive down to Denver to pick up Mrs. Supercomputer who was at some training. So we had an hour in the car by ourselves. We popped in Bromst and about 30 minutes into it, nearly ran off the road. Seriously, we were going nuts.

This is totally DMS music - right in our wheelhouse. ADHD-inspired. Crescendo techno. It's some mix of Spiritualized, Sigur Ros, and The Octopus Project. We are suckers for that shit. We certainly understand if few others enjoy the album as much as we do, but try pumping the volume to "MAX," shift on to the highway, and try not to swerve into oncoming traffic.

=====================

Dan Deacon - "Of the Mountains"

MP3 of the Week: "NIMBY" Edition

2009-06-13T21:07:00.003-05:00

A lot of people are frothing at the mouth at the idea of Guantanamo detainees being shipped to the continental U.S. fearing.... well, I'm not sure what the fear is. We've got some pretty fucking scary people already here in the great state of Colorado.

But really, we do understand the concerns of people who are terrified of a former combatant being locked away in their state. Just do me a favor: don't type in your address on this website if you want to be able to sleep at night.

================

This week's MP3 comes from Bishop Allen. It was bestowed Girl Supercomputer's seal of approval in the car today.

Their recent album, Grr... ($5 album download at Amazon.com right now), displays their immense potential. It's smart, fast, whimsical, and dynamic. Don't lose track of these guys.

Bishop Allen - "True or False"

Not Sure What to Make of this Advert

2009-06-07T10:47:00.002-05:00

1) That's clearly not President Obama.

2) That's not a mom.

So we're not sure what this picture is doing on this advertisement.

It is however some random black guy in a suit. Maybe moms won't know the difference?

MP3 of the Week: "The Value of Twitter" Edition

2009-06-05T11:38:00.002-05:00

We certainly like to swing wildly from one position to another here at DMS. We have no qualms about doing 180s from one day to the next.

Just a couple weeks ago, we spent an entire post mocking the advent of Twitter. We still stand by that salacious mockery. We don't care if you're going to a Vietnamese restaurant. We don't care if you're going to yoga class. We don't care if the guy at behind the counter at Starbucks (c) is a asshole. So please, don't inundate us with your banal existence. That goes for you too, Facebook status mongers.

However, we have been alerted to the value of Twitter by one, Shaquille O'Neal. Yes, Shaq has given us a lot in our time: video games, awful r ap albums, NBA championships, priceless quotes, and The Worst Movie of All Time. But his promotion of Twitter might be his most lasting contribution to society. Found at @THE_REAL_SHAQ , we get insights like the following:

*The thoughts u choose n think n believe rt now r creating yur future, deez thoughts form yur xperiences, tomorro,nxt week,n nxt year Shaq

*Confession I admit to taking performance adhancing cereal....Frosted Flakes mixed with Fruit Loops and Bananas. Pls dnt judge me

*I'm experiencing my first hail storm, ouch sounds like a bunch of rocks falling out of the sky, Run aaaaaaaaghgn run aaaaaaaagh I'm scared

*I'm at the orlando airport the first one touches me wins a prize...

*@DanicaPatrick vroom vrooom I challenge u to a race, vroom$ vroom, naaa good luk, u r a true legend, I'm proud of u u r da best

*Kobe has been thru to much to let anything phase him, hell of a game Shaq aka Bryant mumble

We have no idea what that last sentence (?) means. If someone can translate Shaq-tweet-to-English, we'd really appreciate it.

Anyway, this is sort of the format of Twitter that works for us. Celebrities, psuedo-celebrities, journalists, and a few witty friends making pithy and hopefully funny comments. It's more of a live blog, or a chat session than a means of connecting and keeping up. And we can certainly see the value (and hilarity) of that.

We can't imagine following more than a handful of friends/celebs. Even with a scant couple-dozen followers, we're hardly able to keep up. Then you see that @KarlRove is following an amazing 52,000 twitterers (twits?). C'mon Karl, you've done a lot of decietful things in your time, but no one's buying that you're keeping up with 52,000 people via Twitter.

So feel free to follow Dear Mr. Supercomputer at @dearmrsupercomp for witty comments that do not warrant the normal insightful in-depth analyses we provide here at DMS.

(Ed. Note: We totally hate that twitter name. Fucking limited characters!!!!)

=================

M. Ward - "Epistemology"

DMS MELTDOWN!!!!!1!11

2009-05-27T07:45:00.014-05:00

Witness

2009-05-22T23:13:00.003-05:00

We are all witnesses.

MP3 of the Week: "What If We Don't Win?" Edition

2009-05-22T00:04:00.003-05:00

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Shit. Fucking shit fuck.

Holy mother of fuck.

Normally we'd write off the collective cliff-jumping that Cavs fans are currently undertaking as typical woe-is-us Cleveland mentality. We mean, give us a break, right? It was just one game? Right? And in a seven game series the first game is usually the least important. Right??? Please tell us we're right.

For some reason, last night's defeat was more defeating that most defeats. Maybe there's a little Chicken Little groupthink going on, but Cavs fans are fucking terrified right now.

What's truly fucking scary is that there were a few scant Cavs bloggers who before the series were warning that this Orlando matchup was the worst possible matchup for the Cavs. And in great detail, they described just how this Magic team was such a bad matchup: their tall guards would stunt the effectiveness of the Cavs undersized backcourt and the Cavs have no defensive player capable of stopping Dwight Howard. And all that Cleveland defensive rotation would give Orlando the impetus to shoot threes, which is something, oh by the fucking way, they are fucking good at.

Fuck.

Fucking fuck.

That's exactly what happened. The voices were few suggesting this was a road map to Orlando victory, but it was eerie how accurate these descriptions of the Cavs' demise were. The Cavs' guards were terrible. So bad, I'm thinking of not wearing my Mo Williams shirt for the rest of the series. And the Cavs centers looked like they were playing in slow motion against Howard (you have to admit, Zdrrunas and Varajao look impressed in that photo above), who didn't miss any shots. At least none that I remember. And after starting off cold, the Magic's three point shooting began to slice into the Cavs lead. By the end there were four Cavs players standing around hoping that Lebron did something wonderful.

Fantastic. We're exactly where we were two years ago.

We had totally bought in to this team. This was the team that would do it. They were likable, professional, fun, and included the best player in the world. We're totally not emotionally prepared for a letdown. We've already drank the Kool-Aid. Throwing it up is the only way to get it out of our system.

We'll see tomorrow how this Cavs team responds. It may be just the sky-is-falling brainwashing that we've all grown to hate about rooting for Cleveland, but last night's loss didn't just feel like a loss. It felt like an instruction manual on how to beat this, until now, unbeatable team.

============

Metric - "Gimme Sympathy"

What's With These People?

2009-05-17T19:17:00.002-05:00

The following is a roundtable discussion between Girl Supercomputer and Boy Supercomputer. We left a tape recorder in their room one day. Seriously, we didn't even know the boy could talk but sure enough, the evidence is clear.

=============

Boy Supercomputer: What's with these people?

Girl Supercomputer: Which people?

BS: You know. Mom and Dad. They can be such jerkwads sometimes.

GS: I know right??! Tell me about it. This whole bedtime thing is a joke.

BS: You're telling me! You get to stay up until 8:00! They put me to bed at like 7:45.

GS: Either way, it's, like, soooooo bright outside. Seriously, this bedtime thing has GOT to go.

BS: Sure does.

GS: You know what's worse?? As soon as we "go to bed," they're up watching all sorts of cool movies all night!

BS: Man! That totally SUCKS!

GS: Sometimes I come out of my bed and there they are on the couch, watching something, and they tell me to go back to bed. They threaten to take my nightlight after I do it a few times. But you know what? I found a loophole.

BS: Do tell.

GS: Well I've got a couple strategies actually. The first thing I do is come out reeeeeal slowly and then I look at Daddy (he's the softy) and say in the most pensive voice I can muster, "I just wanted to say I love you." Any animosity they had just melts away. It's awesome. Then I have a few seconds with which I can either grab an extra stuffed animal, book, or toy to play with in bed.

BS: Brilliant! I don't know that I could pull that off.

GS: OK, try this one. BATHROOM! I come out and say I have to go to the bathroom. What are they gonna do, say "no?" And I usually can go pee too because one of the first things I do is ask for extra water. So I take my time. Sing a song. Wash my hands. I can usually stretch one pee into a good 15 minutes of extra staying up time.

BS: You are a mad genius.

GS: Eh. It's not rocket science.

BS: Well, I'm still on the diaper thing so I'm not too sure about that one.

GS: You're still pulling the diaper bit? Ha! That one kills me. (*Mockingly*) "Ooooh waahhh I'm a baby! You have to wipe the crap off my butt!" Man, that was the sweet life. Let me tell you kid, keep that going for as long as you can. Nothing sucks worse that being right in the middle of a real kickass tea-party and then having to excuse yourself from your stuffed animals to use the bathroom. What I wouldn't give to just be able to just go and continue on with my life.

BS: Yeah, it's pretty sweet. I can just be watching TV and instead of having to pause it, I just load up the diaper and keep watching.

GS: Ah, those were the days.

BS: Yeah.

GS: You know what though? You stick with me and I'll get you through it.

BS: Thanks sis.

GS: That's what big sisters are for. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

BS: Cool have fun. I'll be here hitting myself on the head with things.

===========

MP3 of the Week: "Favorites So Far" Edition

2009-05-16T10:27:00.004-05:00

Normally it gets to be about May or June and we think, "Oh crap. We haven't heard a single new album yet this year." And frankly, a lot of time the early-year releases aren't that inspiring. But more likely, it's a function of the fact that A) albums are so damned expensive and B) who the hell has time to go to a record store? Certainly not us. Besides, the record stores in Fort Collins are a fucking joke.

Enter Amazon.com's $5 album deals.

Now we're ready. We're ready to make album compilation lists at the drop of a hat. Check it.

We're not ready to rank any of these albums just yet. But these are our favorites thus far.

========================

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, vs. Children. Our favorite album lyrically of the year. The sparse constructions of the songs are a perfect match for the characters described.

Metric, Fantasies. Super-catchy. Metric goes glam.

St. Vincent, Actor. This album honestly had a leg up due to our previously divulged affection for St. Vincent. Regardless, this album is superb and might very well end up - ..... oh wait, we said we weren't going to rank anything.

Mirah, (A)spera. It's about time Mirah released another album. C'mon Miracle - one of our favorites - was released five years ago. It does not disappoint.

Phoenix. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix.

Feel free to let us know what we've missed (note: we did not miss the Decemberists. Seriously, kill me with a fork).

=========================

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - "You Were Alone"

MP3 of the Week: "ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!" Edition

2009-05-08T17:30:00.002-05:00

So we saw I Am Legend recently. It was a gosh-awful piece of shit movie. But amazingly, it was even bad for a zombie flick.

Actually, it might have been ok if it weren't for the rid-freaking-diculous zombies.

Dear director of I Am Legend: zombies don't have leaders. They are not organized. They're zombies. And they don't use zombie dogs to attack.

And no CGI. No no no. You can't do that.

Taking a step back and looking at the zombie, big picture, it stands to reason that we need some sort of High Council on zombies. We need some ground rules.

You see, at one time, zombies were animated undead. They crawled out of their graves and tried to eat your brains. They were slow and ambling and often dragging a limb behind them. And they weren't affected if you, say, chopped their leg off. They would just sort of move along and grope through windows mindlessly.

It was a perfect metaphor.

But now it's all messed up. Now zombies are all created via some infection (or, in the case of I Am Legend a ..... cure for cancer!!!!! Hear that??! Cancer cure = bad!!! So provocative!!!!). And they are fast. Man are they fast. They could outrun you yes they could. And still going with the virus theme, they spread their zombie-ism via bite, or in the case of that poor fuck in 28 Days Later a blood drop in the eye. And BAM! You're a zombie. And, except in I am Legend, there is never any cure. What happened? Did they evolve? In 50 years of zombie movies they're now super-agile? We don't buy it.

We're guessing the zombism-via-virus and the rapid spread throughout the mass public (as opposed to the good old days of some remote cabin where two wayward teens went to have a good time) is part of the post-modern metaphor: we're all connected. Globalism. Sensationalism. Fear. Terrorism. Though nothing will beat Dawn of the Dead: zombies at the mall?? Brilliant. There's definitely a bad master's thesis in there somewhere for some sap who's getting his or her masters degree in film. Sucks to be that person.

Anyway, this is distracting us from our original point: I Am Legend was pure fecal matter.

-----------------

Tor / Sufjan Stevens - "Night Zombies / Talkin My Shit (feat. Brother Ali)"

For more incredible Sufjan Stevens - rap music mashups, go here. Seriously, they're amazing.

(What you thought it would be the Cranberries? You wish.)

In Which We Gush Like a 13-Year Old Girl With a Serious Boy-Crush

2009-05-07T20:59:00.003-05:00

You knew it was coming. We knew it was coming. But it's time.

We thought we could wait until the end of the NBA playoffs. We fully expected to do this in June or July. But we can't take it anymore. Because Dear Mr. Supercomputer is in love.

It's still early. Early in his career. Early in these playoffs. But Lebron is one of those athletes. As in Michael Jordan. Babe Ruth. And that's about it. He's in the discussion for the One.

Hold on. We need a glass of water.

Tonight he hit a ridiculous 40 foot shot at the end of the first half and we almost started crying.

What makes him different is that he's so different. (side note: this is the scene in 12 years where Girl Supercomputer is imploring, "but Daaaaad! I love him!!! And we're going to get married!!!)

Hold on. We need a Xanax.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. Lebron.

Like we said. He's different. It's almost silly to compare him to any basketball player that's ever lived because he's nothing like any basketball player that's ever lived. People throw out Magic Johnson as a good comp. Maybe. Maybe if Magic put on 50 pounds of muscle and had an extra 10 inches on his vertical. Maybe if Magic was as explosive off the dribble, played world-class defense, and overpower defenders groping at his arms.

If this sounds familiar, it probably is.

Hold on. We need a tissue.

This Cavs team is a joy to watch. Like no team that we've ever seen. They play great defense. They share the ball. They actually seem to like each other. It's crazy. They are a perfectly constructed team. They can give you five different looks. The bench players know their roles.

Remember all those horrible things we said about Anderson Varajao? One of our favorite players right now.

But we can save the team-praise for later. For now, it's about Lebron.

By the time he's done, he might be the best player of all time in any sport. That's not an exageration. Oh sure, you'll have some fuckwad saying things like, "Babe Ruth is the greatest and always will be! He drank beer and ate hot dogs!!!" Go screw yourself. Babe Ruth never played against a black person. Or latino person. And pretty much a big dickhead as a person.

No, Lebron, while it's still early, could be better than anyone.

What's most amazing is how well grounded he is. For someone who was a trillionare at the age of 18, he's amazingly not-insane. I know if I had as much money as he did at that age, I'd probably be strung out on high-end cocaine. And the list is pretty long of NBA teenagers that end up just like that.

What's amazing is that he's our guy. He plays for our team. Us!

Hold on. We need a cigarrette.

This is Why We Voted For Obama, Kerry

2009-05-03T09:49:00.002-05:00

Four years ago we voted for John Kerry, despite being at odds with him policy-wise on many issues and being generally underwhelmed by him personally. As it turns out, George Bush got himself elected and in 2005, had the opportunity to nominate two Supreme Court justices to replace the retiring Sandra Day O'Connor, moderate, and William Rhenquist, not moderate. With the nomination and eventual appointment of John Roberts and Samuel Alito the Court lurched rightward. That's kind of what we were afraid of. But really, all that happened was one moderate got replaced by one conservative.

Obama could possibly have the opportunity to nominate three Supreme Court justices, all potential liberal replacements.

The average Supreme Court tenure is 26 years So thank goodness for 2008. Had Sarah Palin been elected president, there's no telling how far right the SCOTUS would drift and for how many years to come.

Why We Like the NFL Draft in 2000 Words or Less

2009-04-23T21:05:00.002-05:00

It's that special time of year again. The birds have returned from their migration. Grass is turning a lush green. We even have a beautiful, spontaneous red tulip that popped up in our backyard overnight. Yes, April is a blessed month.

It's also the month that features the one event that officially gets us banned from the house: the NFL Draft. Yes, nothing drives Mrs. Supercomputer crazier than the NFL Draft. Even thinking about it drives her insane. Even if we are nowhere in sight, if she knows we are watching it, she will feel a resentment that is instinctive.

She doesn't understand the thrill of names being read by the NFL Commissioner at 15 minute intervals. She doesn't understand why we get so excited, knowing full well that maybe half of the players picked in the first round of the draft will not be employed by the NFL within five years. She really doesn't understand why the volume has to be on in between picks. It drives her out of her gourd.

Maybe it's the name: draft. "Draft" never has a good connotation. Ever. It either means that someone's being forced to go to war, a big paper is due tomorrow, or that the house is too chilly.

But in truth, the event itself does seem unenjoyable to the outside viewer. Even a large swath of football fans don't enjoy the draft. It's too slow. No one knows who these guys are. And it's probably the most famous 95% of these players will ever get.

But we fucking love the NFL draft. Frankly we're not even sure why, so you can imagine why we get booted from the house every April. There we are, stammering for a reason why we want to spend the next six hours of our lives sitting in front of a TV watching what amounts to a glorified press conference. It's like watching C-SPAN for the NFL.

And just as C-SPAN attracts only the wonkiest of all political wonks, so too the NFL Draft attracts the most football starved.

So as we stand there struggling to come up with a comeback to, "it's just fucking names being read off a fucking card," we realize it's time to pack up and go. So why do we subject ourselves to a humiliation akin to that of Fabrage Eggs junkies? Here's why:

It's April. And there hasn't been any meaningful football in four months. And there won't be for another four. The NFL offseason is killer. It's forever and a day. We know that football season seems interminable when it's going on, but it's really not. It's condensed to every Sunday for 17 weeks (we've heard that some teams actually play past Week 17, but we're not too sure about that).

So this is our one gigantic orgy of football information that we consume like animals. That's what it is above all else: information. Information about teams, information about players. Just one non-stop stream of football-speak for hours and hours. And then a pick is made. And you go, "wow! I can't believe that took him!," and then it's back to football information.

We're begging you: give us this one day of total self-gratification in the midst of this barren football desert. That's all we ask. We work so hard. Please?

..

..

..

Fine. I'll be at the bar for the next six hours.

It Begins

2009-04-18T08:46:00.002-05:00

We haven't blogged in a while and we're not exactly sure. Maybe we're suffering from exhaustion. Maybe we're saving our creative juices for Baseball Prospectus Idol. Maybe we're storing up for the NBA Playoffs.

About that last point, the NBA Playoffs begin today. The thing about the NBA playoffs is this: it takes fucking forever. Remember this when it's June and you're looking for a nice DMS post on Texas' secession from the union and all you get is a 2000 word exegesis on Delonte West's inability to move laterally. Like the election swallowed up our entire 2008, the NBA playoffs will swallow up the next three months. You've been warned.

Everyone expects the Cavs and Lakers to meet in the finals. And most people expect the Cavs to prevail. And here's the weird thing: Cavs fans expect to prevail.

The Cavs have the best record in the NBA. They have the best player in the NBA. They have home court advantage throughout the playoffs, where they simply don't lose. They have good team chemistry. They're relatively healthy. They're well coached and well constructed. They play great defense. They have excellent depth.

Put simply, if it doesn't happen this year, we can go ahead and assume it will never happen.

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Now it's time to announce a contest for which we already have the results: find the funniest/most racist "tea party" sign. And now, the results.

There were lots of extremely offensive signs, too many to count really. Some were offensive. Some were spelling-challenged. Some were self contradictory. Others were extremely offensive. So let's go with funniest. That goes to this man/poor-guy here.

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The new St. Vincent album comes out May 4. We've heard three songs and love all three. Early front-runner for album of the year. More on this release as it comes out.

Imagine: DMS on Twitter

2009-03-22T21:16:00.002-06:00

We draw the line at Twitter. We caved on Facebook. We see the utility in Facebook. But Twitter? That has to be the most useless time-drain on the Internet. What? You're having a BLT sandwich? You're excited about the new Lost? You are tired from a long day of work? We give a rat's ass?

No. We don't. We don't care.

But yet, Twitter is so in right now, even U.S. congressmen and women are using it during presidental addresses.

So, you might be familiar with the concept of Spring Break. It's a week long holliday for those associated, even if only tangentially, with the academic world. Anyway, we had SB this past week and got to wondering, if we felt the need to "tweet" every single thought that popped into our head and every single thing we did, what it would have looked like...

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3/14

Woo! Spring Break!
7:23 AM

I'm having breakfast! It's bacon!
7:45 AM

Oops! Coffee's kicking in!
8:32 AM

Man, I feel much better!
9:12 AM

I think I'l go to the park today! It's gorgeous outside!@
10:51 AM

Fuck that park shit. It's hell to get kids dressed. We're hanging out in our underwear today.
11:29 AM

My God! I looooove penut butter!
12:55 PM

I'm going to the store! I'm going to get elbow macaroni, milk, cheese, and flour! Guess what I'm making for dinner!!!!
3:10 PM

Give up???? It's macaroni and cheese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
3:59 PM

3/15
It's so fucking early. Why did he have to wake up so fucking early.
5:34 AM

I'm having my third cup of espresso! My hands are jittery and I'm still tired!
7:00 AM

Everyone else is up!!!! I hate them all!! With all my guts!
7:39 AM

I'm going to take a nap! I love pillows!!!!!!1
9:50 AM

You know what sucks??! Loud noises!
11:45 AM

3/16
Ah the official start of Spring Break! Wooo!
6:30 AM

Man, I'm so damn bored. Good thing I have twitter!!!!!!!!
7:00 AM

I should spend time with my children instead of updating my twitter feed!!!!!!! lol
8:33 AM

You know what? Avacados are great! But who can afford them??????!
10:01 AM

Only 8 more hours until Dancing with the Stars!!!!
11:02 AM

Seriously, I need some human contact.
3:33 PM

3/17
My ear itches.
8:54 AM

Much better.
8:55 AM

So I was thinking the other day about possibly movingat wild! I hear it's so beautiful there! And it's so progressive and people have a mor
10:34 AM

Fucking Twitter!! 140 characters, my ass! My thoughts require at LEAST 150 characters!!!!
10:45 AM

My twitter feed is a cry for help.
12:01 PM

3/18
I just checked my facebook status and I forgot I need to be updating that too! lol
7:22 AM

My internet went out! Then it came back on!!!!!!
8:20 AM

The temperature is 62 degrees! And the dewpoint is 46!!!!!!!!!!
12:44 PM

What's up with commercials????
3:00 PM

I'm watching Everybody Loves Raymond!!!!!!! Raymond just made his wife upset!!!
4:12 PM

Rachel Ray looks fantastic! Isn't she fabulous?!?
4:44 PM

3/19
Eggs!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
8:00 AM

Wafffllllles!!!!!!
8:10 AM

Sausage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:15 AM

Violent projectile vomit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:22 AM

I'm going to bed.
10:33 PM

3/20
I'm waking up.
6:24 AM

SPRING BREAK!!!! WOOOOOO!!!
7:45 AM

The exclamaion marks on my twitter feed are a mask for the true banality of my life.
8:44 AM

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:15 AM

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And so concludes our spring break, vis-a-vis, twitter. Man, even fake twittering is exhausting.

BRAINDUMP! (Volume 1)

2009-03-19T07:12:00.007-06:00

When you go to a K-mart, you will not see a car made since 1990.

You know what bugs me about Gandalf? He doesn't do any wizard-y things. I don't think he casts a single spell the entire series. He doesn't shoot fireballs. He doesn't transfigure anybody. Seems like a pretty shitty wizard to me.

What's sad, is that Jon Stewart is probably the most hard-hitting, combative, investigative journalist on television.

That said, Stephen Colbert is simply untouchable right now.

The Visitor was a fantastic movie. Mrs. Supercomputer votes for Richard Jenkins over Sean Penn for best actor. We're not willing to go that far.

Speaking of Jenkins, Adrian Brody gets the winner for Worst Introduction Ever at the Oscars. Probably not a good thing to mention how you had to Google his name when you're trying to shower him with accolades there, Adrian. By the way, your career has been on the downswing ever since you kissed Halle Berry. Hope it was worth it.

Putting shoes on a one year old is a quixotic adventure.

You know what's extra fun about Scrubs this season? NBC switches the time and date each and every week! So it's like a treasure hunt just to find out when it's on! Wheee!

So the original story of Curious George by H.A. Rey goes like this (this is true):

White guy in a garish suit travels to Africa.
White guy captures a monkey.
White guy takes the monkey across the ocean to America against his will.
H.A. Rey must have been one racist motherfucker.

Speaking of shoes for kids, some more fatherly advice: pay no damned attention to the sizes. In fact, you need to double the sizes. My theory: the children in which the country where the shoes are made have incredibly small feet. We need to dispatch the Secretary of Commerce (if we have one yet) to the Philippines straightaway.

DMS Response to NY Times Article About Pears: "Pears Are For Shit"

2009-03-04T21:07:00.005-06:00

Recently the New York Times, the icon of American newsprint, ran an inflammatory article. The Times has been criticized countless times throughout it's existence, but this is inexcusable.

In what had to be a response to our soliloquy about the glories of a wondrous peach, a piece of prose that still rings truer than ever, a newsworthy, if not newsprint-worthy elegy to a fruit, that when achieving perfect ripeness, is unmatched in terms of quality and taste, the New York Times sponsored Proof blog had this title to it's February 27 entry:

"A Perfect Pear"

Now, before you start with the pitchforks and torches, it should be brought to our readers' attention that the blog, and the post as well, relates to and celebrates alcoholic beverages. Still...

Pears are shit.

Seriously, pears are the most worthless fruit that exists. Those weird starfruit things they have at Whole Foods are more appealing than a piece of shit Bartlett pear. My God, those things are crap.

First of all, they are never ripe. We're pretty convinced that they actually don't ripen at all. And if it weren't for some cockamamy scheme by some organization like the Pear Growers of America (we made that name up, but we're sure something like that exists) the pear, and all it's ignomity would have been extinct years ago. That's right: it would have been Darwin-ed out of existence they're so shitty.

Anyway, like we said, they're never ripe. We've never eaten a ripe pear. They don't exist. Unlike the Glorious Peach, which admittedly is difficult to find that perfectly sublime peak peach experience, the pear just starts unripe and stays that way. In no way does the chemical composition of the pear allow itself to move beyond what it is in it's nascent state: a bland, colorless, odorless, piece of unchewable fruit flesh.

We use the term "fruit" loosely. Man are they shitty.

At no time in human existence has anyone uttered the words, "Man, that was a fantastic pear. I'll have seven more!" However, if one were to replace the word "pear" with "peach," we assure, that exact verbage has been mentioned as much as Shakespeare is quoted by thespians. More often, in fact, has been uttered the phrase: "God this pear sucks ass. I'll try another one.... Jeez that one sucks too." Well we have news for you, our wayward friend: they all suck. Pears suck. Huge.

Have you ever had "pear pie," of course fucking not. Who wants to have "pear pie?" No one, that's who. It makes us gag a little just typing the imaginary culinary letdown. What about "pear cobbler?" "Pear ice cream?" Even "pear flavored candy?" Good Lord, no. You know why? Because the taste of a pear is almost as bad as it's consistency. The powers that be realize that the actual taste of pear is, well, it's virtually nonexistent. The difference between eating a pear and eating a raw potato is negligible. The only difference is that you can dress up a potato and make it taste good. There is no saving the pear.

In this "Perfect Pear" article, who's title is akin to the phrase "prettiest unicorn," this is the picture they use to display this supposedly wonderful and exciting alcohol producing fruit.

My God that looks disgusting. Get that bulbous piece of green shit off my screen this instant. If there were a way to code Firefox's "Ad Blocker" software to include blocking images of pears, we'd be all for it. That piece of whatever-it-is has no place in the culinary world.

This is why it's so perplexing the pear even exists. Occasionally one will purchase a bundle of pears at the store. This sad-sack will bring the pears home and take a bite. "Oh! It's not ripe yet!" they exclaim. A day, two days, three days pass. By now the remaining pears are developing a layer of brown crud that is slowly overtaking whatever shade of pea-green existed a priori. You know the story: off to the trash can or the compost heap. In fact, compost is about the only use we can think of for pears.

Sure, as the Proof blog suggests: you can make alcohol out of it. True, but why? Pear Schnapps? And, the purpose being exactly what now? We'll be the first to admit peach schnapps is an afront to all we hold dear. But that's the point: no one has to justify the existence of the peach. The peach is fully capable of standing on it's own. Darwin has accepted the peach and it lives on in our cobblers and in our hearts. But pears? They're like some sort of weird, in-bred dog breed that serve no purpose, have no genetic quality other than to be what they are.

So, therefore, we often find pears in canned form. It is as if the pear is saying, "you know what, I never ripen and I taste like shit, so drown me in a bunch of sugar water and feed me to children." Speaking of which, when given the choice, does a child (or adult, or anyone with taste buds for that matter) ever choose the pear over the peach? No, no, no. It never would happen in a million generations. When we take our children to the store, not once has the eldest one shouted, "let's get pears! We have to get pears!" And we concur. Pears are a worthless stain in our supermarkets.

My God, I wish (we're breaking character here, we know, but we're getting desperate) I had a good, perfectly ripe peach right now to quell the phantom pains my palette is having from describing this disgusting monstrosity that is the pear.

And what the fuck shape is a pear? That's right: pear-shaped. It has it's own shape, usually reserved to describe the silhouetted appearance of an out-of-shape 40+ year old male. That's exactly what I want to be thinking of right before I delve into a piece of fruit! The balding guy from The Office! Whenever something is "pear-shaped" it's no good. That includes pears.

And don't even try to tell me there is more that one breed of pear. Let's see.... there's the Bartlett pear and... umm.... yeah, that's it. Sure there are other genetic species of pear, but you know what? They all taste like pear. And by "pear," we also mean, "shit."

The only positive experience I've ever had vis-a-vis a pear is in 8th grade when we watched a nature film that included monkeys eating fermented fruit and then getting drunk and doing silly things. That's it. Perhaps that explains the continued presence of the pear on this fair earth: monkeys get drunk by eating it. But you know what, monkeys throw feces.

At this point, we'd normally apologize if we perchance ruined in any way whatever affinity our readers once had towards pears. However, in the case of the pear, we already know that there is no affinity for pears in any human. Ask anyone to rank their five favorite fruits and pear will invariably remain unspoken.

But it's not even that they suck shit. It's that they always suck shit. They're never any good at all, except at decomposing and looking ugly. As we are quick to point out: peaches certainly can taste like crap. However, that is the quest: to find that gem of a fruit. But pears all taste the same. In fact, the best way we can describe the taste of a pear is this:

The worst a peach can taste is the best a pear can taste.

Consider an extremely unripe peach. How does it taste? Kind of bland, tough perhaps. It's lacking in color and enthusiasm. That's exactly how a pear tastes even on their best days.

So, Proof blog, you continue to shop in Oregon for those Bartlett pears that you can't wait to process and refine until it's somehow passable in the form of alcohol. Me, I'll continue to eschew that particular aisle, that particular fruit, and instead turn my attention to a more rewarding, ravenous experience.

MP3 of the Week: "When I Think of Guns, I Think of Jesus" Edition

2009-03-01T08:57:00.004-06:00

We waited to post the MP3 of the Week until Sunday morning, for obvious reasons.

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Cracker - "Can I Take My Gun Up To Heaven?"

Egregious Sins of the Academy

2009-02-22T12:05:00.008-06:00

We're not sure why people get so into the Academy Awards. It has five times the prestige of any other award shows, but it's not clear that they get it right more than 50% of the time. I mean, any purportedly cinematic organization that would have the producer of Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo as it's president should pretty much be a tip-off that maybe they'll get it wrong from time to time. They're kind of like sports writers voting for the MVP in that regard.

The difference between MVP voters and the academy is this: with MVP voters, there's no rhyme or reason; with the Academy, you can pretty much figure out who's going to win as soon as the nominations are revealed. It's why Nate Silver can say with 99.7% certainty that Slumdog Millionare is going to win Best Picture: the Academy is so predictable.

It doesn't matter what the actual best picture/actor/director was, it simply matters (A) how long it was, and (B) how much money it made. Bonus points are awarded for historical pieces.

Anyway, here's a list of awards that we think the Academy would like to have a "do-over" for over the last 15 years. Or at least, the ones that most of the public now realize were bo-o-o-o-o-gus.

------------

1996. Best Picture.
What won: The English Patient.
What didn't win: Fargo.
Actually, we're kind of surprised that Fargo even got nominated. We suppose some sort of kudos for the Academy is in order for that. But still, find me one person that enjoyed the English Patient more than Fargo. Actually, find me one person that enjoyed the English Patient.

1997. Best Picture.
What won: Titanic.
What didn't win: As Good As it Gets. L.A. Confidential. Good Will Hunting.
A pretty strong group, aside from the movie that won it. Ten years later, Titanic is a punch line and Celene Dion is the joke. Thankfully, Leo and Kate were able to pick up the pieces and make respectable actors out of themselves. No thanks to James Cameron.

1997. Best Director.
Who won: James Cameron.
Who didn't win: Curtis Hanson (L.A. Confidential).
My guess is the academy regretted this decision about 30 seconds after he won it with the ridiculous "I'm the king of the world!" acceptance speech. Now it looks even more ridiculous. Side note: James Cameron's Aliens of the Deep is the worst nature documentary you'll ever see. In fact, I'm not sure how you'd make a worse nature documentary. And we're total suckers for nature docs.

1998. Best Picture.
What won: Shakespeare in Love.
What didn't win: Life is Beautiful. Saving Private Ryan. American History X (not nominated).
Maybe the most confusing winner of all time. Saving Private Ryan had all the ingredients: really long, period piece, tangentially related to the Holocaust, starred Tom Hanks. We think this might have been an accident. Like the most incredible typo of all time.

1999. Best Actress.
Who won: Hilary Swank (Boys Don't Cry).
Who didn't win: Annette Benning (American Beauty).
Who hasn't reenacted the scene where Annette Benning slaps herself because she can't sell that house? OK, probably a lot of people. But at least you know what scene we're talking about.
Side note: this was the year Magnolia came out. Only nomination was for Tom Cruise, Best Supporting Actor. The omission of Magnolia being nominated is unsurprising, but probably the most egregious sin on this list.

2000. Best Picture.
What won: Gladiator.
What didn't win: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Traffic.
Gladiator wasn't that egregious, but we'll never figure out why it would win Best Picture while Traffic took Best Director. Oh wait, stop me if you've heard it before: super-long, historical setting, made lots of money.

2002. Best Picture.
What won: Chicago.
What didn't win: Gangs of New York. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Adaptation (not nominated).
Simply ridiculous. And at least a LOTR victory might have saved us from 2003's travesty.

2002. Best Actor.
Who won: Adrian Brody (The Pianist).
Who didn't win: Daniel Day Lewis (Gangs of New York). Nic Cage (Adaptation). Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt).
Actually a really strong category. Can't argue too much with Brody, but...

2002. Best Director.
Who won: Roman Polanski (The Pianist).
Who didn't win: Martin Scorsese (Gangs of New York). Spike Jones (Adaptation, not nominated).
So let me get this straight: The Pianist wins best Director, and best Actor, but Chicago is the best film of the year? Was Catherine Zeta-Jones that spectacular?? It doesn't matter, the neglect of Adaptation is criminal. Seriously, why are congressmen hauling in baseball players for steroids but no one is investigating the 2002 Oscars?

2003. Best Picture.
What won: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
What didn't win: Lost in Translation.
Once again, we beseech you. LOTR was essentially filmed as one long movie. Then they split it into three more still-long movies. The point is, there's nothing really that distinguishes the LOTR films from each other. Yet, all of a sudden Return of the King, the most superfluous of the three, is the Oscar winner. That makes total sense considering the movie was about an hour too long.

2004. Best Actress.

Who won: Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby)

Who didn't win: Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine...). Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace). Imelda Staunton (Vera Drake).

You could have thrown a dart and found a more deserving performance. In fact, maybe that's how they decided this one.

2005. Best Picture.

What won: Crash.
What didn't win: Brokeback Mountain. Capote. Good Night and Good Luck. Munich.

Probably the worst Academy decision since Titanic. If you're going to get it wrong that's one thing. If you're going to get it wrong because you want to look like you're being all race-relation-y, that's much much worse. This movie didn't win anything of importance besides best picture. So it didn't have the best actor, actress, supporting actress, supporting actor, screenplay, or director, but somehow it's the best picture out there? Makes no sense. At least, it doesn't until you see the immense liberal guilt just oozing from the uber-wealthy Hollywood class.

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We didn't see ~~many~~ any of the movies nominated for this years' awards, so we have no comment, but rest assured, when we have one, you'll be the first to know it.

DMS Fatherly Advice: Supermarket Edition

2009-02-21T20:38:00.004-06:00

We here at Dear Mr. Supercomputer are always trying to think of ways we can give back to the community. And, much like cable news programming, we feel the best way to make this world a better place is to tell you how it should be run. Or in the absence of that, try to give you a few pointers along the way. We also like to yell real loudly about it. Maybe we're more like CNBC's Jim Cramer in that regard.

Anyway, we know a few things, in particular about fatherhood. In fact, we don't want to give away any Oscar spoilers, but we think we're in line for a World's Greatest Dad lifetime achievement award.

So today, and in the future, we'll be dishing out the fatherly advice for those wayward or future paterfamilias.

Today's edition: Trip to the supermarket.

OK, hot shot. You have two small kids to haul around and a shopping list that gets longer each time you look at it. Let's hear some pointers:

-- Make a map. Seriously, make a fucking map of the store. If not actually on paper, then know the store inside and out. And stick with that store. Never ever change (you've been warned). Why is this so critical and fatherly advice #1?

Cookies. Ice cream. Kids books. Popsicles. And even the occasional seasonal display of stuffed animals. Or worse: one of those crane games. Try explaining to a three year old that it's fucking impossible to actually win a stuffed animal from one of those things.

Long story short: the grocery store is a land mine. You need to know your route, otherwise on of these proverbial land mines will blow up in your face in the form of a screaming child.

-- Gum. You know how the kid always wants to eat everything that is in your damned cart? "No, really Daddy! I'm soooo hungry! I want to eat this!" "It's a box of detergent." And then you get to the checkout line and half the stuff is already opened up and 3% eaten? And you have to keep explaining to the checkout person that you don't need a replacement: we're the ones that opened it. Yeah, we hate that. It's embarrassing: "Can't you carnivorous vultures at least wait until you're in the car??!" the person thinks.

Solution: gum. Give some to your kid and they'll be fine the whole time. Or at least it'll give you a good 15 minutes of silence with which you can run from aisle to aisle tossing things in your cart like those old supermarket giveaway game shows.

-- Practice your "Oh my gosh, don't my kids say the darndest things?! I have no idea where she gets it!" laugh. This comes in handy when you're walking down the aisle and your child yells at the top of her lungs, "DADDY ARE YOU GOING TO GET SOME BEER??!!!" "Ha ha!" I say as the people around me write a note to call CPS later.

-- Park next to the cart return. Not the closest spot to the store. HUGE rookie mistake. It may be a few extra spots further, but nothing sucks worse than unloading your groceries into your car, hoisting in your kids and strapping them into their seats, then having the cart left over with no cart return in sight. Leave the cart there, and you're a dick. Go return the cart somewhere, and someone will jump in to your car and kidnap your kids and you won't have a ride home. It sucks both ways. So make sure you park next to the CART RETURN, not the store itself.

-- Don't get those stupid shitty carts that are dressed up as cars. Seriously, those things are a waste of everyone's time and space. Have you ever tried steering one of those things. It's like an 18-wheeler trying to navigate Lombard Avenue. Don't even bother.

Well, that's all the advice we have for you in regards to the dreaded supermarket trip. It's worth noting a conversation we once had with a friend who had two kids - at the time we just had the one:

Me: Man. Having two kids must be crazy. How do you take them to the store?
Her: Don't. Just don't do it.

MP3 of the Week: "Watching NBA Basketball With the Elderly" Edition

2009-02-13T08:28:00.002-06:00

Have you ever watched an NBA game with someone over the age of 50?

Ex. Cru. Ti. A. Ting.

(Note: We're assuming the aforementioned 50+ year old doesn't regularly watch NBA games.)

It doesn't matter who's playing, the importance of the game, what time of day it is, or what cycle the moon is currently in: you're guaranteed to hear the following comments:

"Why don't they call traveling anymore?"

"It's no longer a team sport. It's about the individual."

"I don't watch basketball anymore because they're all showboats."

"What's with all the tattoos!"

"Just look at those baggy pants! How do they not trip over them?"

"I hate how they yell after a dunk."

"They dunk too much."

"Why do they have to play so much rap music?"

"You know who knew how to play the game? Bob Cousey."

"No one plays defense anymore."

"The score of the game is too low."

(*after traveling is called*) "Oh I can't believe they called traveling!"

"They don't even try anymore."

"Buncha thugs."

In fact, you're lucky if you can escape a two hour match without hearing anything overtly racist. (Ed. Note: Actually, by the time it gets to this point, it's already probably too late.)

The weird thing is, the same 50+ year old will sit in silence for a three-and-a-half hour football game and not make a single comment. Never mind the fact that NFL players get into about 150 times as much law-trouble as NBA players. And serious shit too. Like, murder.

What other comments have we missed? We're sure there's a few more.

-----------------

MP3 of the Week:

Filter - "Hey Man Nice Shot"

From Thomas Friedman's 2/11/09 column

2009-02-11T09:32:00.002-06:00

"The Open Door Bailout"

"Leave it to a brainy Indian to come up with the cheapest and surest way to stimulate our economy: immigration.
'All you need to do is grant visas to two million Indians, Chinese and Koreans,” said Shekhar Gupta, editor of The Indian Express newspaper. “We will buy up all the subprime homes. We will work 18 hours a day to pay for them. We will immediately improve your savings rate — no Indian bank today has more than 2 percent nonperforming loans because not paying your mortgage is considered shameful here. And we will start new companies to create our own jobs and jobs for more Americans.'”

And,

"We live in a technological age where every study shows that the more knowledge you have as a worker and the more knowledge workers you have as an economy, the faster your incomes will rise. Therefore, the centerpiece of our stimulus, the core driving principle, should be to stimulate everything that makes us smarter and attracts more smart people to our shores. That is the best way to create good jobs."

At this point, we're really not sure why Thomas Friedman doesn't have a high level cabinet post. Energy, labor, technology, foreign affairs. He's probably twice as smart and thrice as worldly as anyone in the Obama administration except perhaps Obama himself.

Charged With "Lying?"

2009-02-10T14:54:00.004-06:00

In a related story, Chris Brown was charged with "being a big meanie" and Jamal Anderson was charged with "doing icky stuff."

I Wish Democrats Said "Renewable Energy" With the Same Slobbering, Fanaticism Say, "Tax Cuts."

2009-02-05T19:29:00.002-06:00

(Ed. Note: The following essay contains views which aren't necessarily the views of Dear Mr. Supercomputer, it's parent company, Dear Mr. Supercomputer Inc., and it's parent company, Merck.

For this reason, we are switching to the first person singular, "I," instead of the usual first person plural, "We.")

This is why I could never really disparage anyone who voted for Nader in 2000 (or 2004, dear).

Say what you will about Republicans (I often do), they stick to their guns. In the face of two straight elections where they had their asses handed to them, in the face of the popular vote going Democrat in four of the past five elections, in the face of becoming a regional party, they aren't ceding one bit of ground.

In fact, they're doing the opposite. Last week, zero house Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. Perhaps more stunning, only three out of one hundred seventy eight (178) house Republicans voted for the Ledbetter Equal Pay Act. This was a piece of legislation that allows female (or male, I suppose) employees to sue their employer for up to (but not exceeding) $300,000 if they are discriminated against vis-a-vis their pay. That means that 175 house Republicans voted against a piece of legislation would ensure equal pay for equal work.

It's the 2009 and a large swath of Republicans feel that equal pay for equal work shouldn't be a part of U.S. law.

But anyway, this is supposed to be an essay praising Republicans. Yes, praising them.

You see, Democrats, unlike Republicans, are big pussies.

I mean, as soon as Obama's elected and Democrats achieve a sizable majority in the House and the Senate, they start capitulating to the Republicans. I mean, if we hadn't seen the election results, we would have thought the Republicans had just beaten down the Democrats for two straight election cycles.

Give credit to Republicans: they don't give a fuck whether or not they come back to power. It's almost like they like being in the minority, causing trouble, and making Democrats look like douchebags (Mission Accomplished!). And Republicans certainly don't give a shit whether or not they appear "bi-partisan."

Democrats are currently in the process of going back on everything in the stimulus bill. What were among the first few things to get cut? STD prevention, education, and Science ($1 billion for National Science Foundation cut out today). And the Democrats let that happened because they're afraid of a fillibuster. Or afraid of the "P-Word."

Sex! Science! Education!!!!! Not to my kid you don't!!!

My God, we're back to the 18th century.

Obama was elected on the ambiguous "Change" theme. I suppose that meant a lot of things to a lot of people. To many, I suppose that meant, "bi-partisanship." I, however, was certainly hoping for a liberal mandate (which it was, just few are willing to pick up the flag and charge). We have a lot to make up for after eight years of bullshit and it's going to take a ton of investment to make up for all the shit that's been kicked down the road.

Thankfully, it appears as if Democrats are starting to wise up. And it only took them a few weeks to realize, "Holy shit! We've got a massive fucking majority and we can do what the fuck we want! Suck it bitches!!!!!!!" It's about time.

I suppose that's what I was hoping for vis-a-vis, "Change."