Don’t get me wrong, we love Colorado. So much so that we’ll probably never move anywhere else. It’s beautiful, people actually want to visit you, it’s got seasons. None of those things were true when we lived in Texas. But, as with all states I’m sure, it’s got some annoyances that must be splayed out airing-of-grievances style.
So today’s list is The Top 5 Things About Colorado That Annoy The Crap Out Of Me.
5. The Food Pretty Much Sucks
I confess that I don’t really get out all that much for dinner. Let’s say you wouldn’t refer to me as a “human Zagat’s guide”. But still, moving from Austin to Colorado was like eating in Baylor’s Penland dorm one day and Collins the next (all my Baylor inside joke homies in the house say “heeeyyyy!”).
4. The Sun
It’s not Alaska or anything, but in the winter the Sun goes down at like 4:30 PM and in the Summer it overstays it’s welcome until 9:30. It’s pretty annoying when it’s still sunny outside and you’re trying to put your kids to bed. Me: “No, honey, it’s just the tilt of the Earth toward the sun that is making you think it’s not nighttime yet.” Her: “IT’S NOT NIGHT YET!!!!!!!”
Look, snow is enchanting and all. It’s beautiful when it snows that first time. And even in March and April the snow is nice and it melts quickly. But when it’s May and the trees haven’t put out their leaves yet, because they’ve seen this before and they know that there could be one last snow storm, it gets pretty depressing. You know when the rest of the country is on Spring Break? We’re just getting started with Winter in Colorado.
2. You Feel Like an Asshole if You Sit Around the House All Weekend
Typical Monday morning office conversation.
Me: So what’d you do this weekend.
Them: I went on a high-altitude back-country triathlon. Then I went cross-country skiing on Sunday. What’d you do?
Me: I... um... watched football. Oh! I went to the store and bought sneakers!
Them: [looks at me in disgust]
OK usually they don’t look at me in disgust, it’s mostly myself that feels disgusted with myself. Look, I like to just hang out, maybe leave the house if the weather’s nice. And I’ll go hiking every now and again, but jeez! The people here don’t take a weekend off! Don’t you people have Netflix??
1. You Can’t Buy Liquor in Grocery Stores
What are we in the Prohibition Era??? This doesn’t sound like that big a deal, but it is. I go grocery shopping with my kids from time to time. And in Texas, when I went to a grocery store - say, your local H.E.B. - you could pick up a nice 6-pack of beer or bottle of wine and it was no big deal. It was like, “hey, that’s a good father who plans on having a relaxing evening at home after he reads his kids stories before bed-time.” Now in Colorado, when I have to make a second stop to a liquor store, dragging the kids along it’s like, “what a creep! He must be a booze-hound, dragging his kids in here like that! I bet he’s abusive!” when I’m totally none of those things.
Get your act together, Colorado! Let 3.2+% ABV liquor in your fine grocery stores! Except don’t be like California where you can get hard liquor in grocery stores. That shit’s messed up. If you want to buy Jaegermeister, go do it in a fucking liquor store away from us finer citizens. You abusive, creepy booze-hound.