Saturday, March 27, 2010

So here's what I hate about beer commercials.

There's almost nothing more insulting and condescending than beer commercials. I hate them. All of them. The last time I found a beer commercial funny and/or engaging was when the Budweiser frogs debuted. I was like 12 and couldn't buy beer for at LEAST five more years.

So I hate beer commercials. And not just because they're misogynistic and their products (Bud, Coors, Miller) all taste like they've been injected with saline. It's also because there are two beer commercial plots*: guy likes beer more than girlfriend OR people are in a cruddy situation until the beer arrives, then it's all good. But even that's not the only reason I detest beer commercials**. Other reasons:

Unrealistically hot bartenders. I've maybe seen one hot bartender in my life. And it was a dude. Yet, in all these beer commercials there's always a smoking hot blonde behind the bar (which for some reason only has the advertised brand on tap). Never happens people. Or maybe I'm just going to the wrong bars.

Bar conversations. Have you ever had a conversation at a crowded bar and not had to shout?

I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!

WHAT?!!!

I LOOOVE THIS SONG!!!!!

OH! I LOVE PING PONG TOO!!!!!!!!

They turn up the volume in bars because it makes you drink more. It's true. So by midnight your voice is already gone because you're having a "conversation" where you're just shouting short sentences to each other. Yet in beer commercials, it's just a bunch of guys kicking back, shooting the shit.

Pouring beer from five feet above the glass. It pisses me off when they show a close up of a beer being poured into a glass. They must drop it from a cherry picker or something because it always careens down one side of the glass, splashes on the bottom and shoots back up the other side of the glass. Who the fuck pours beer like that? A stuntman? You'd spill half the beer on the floor and the other half would be bubbles. I totally wouldn't tip that smoking hot bartender if she pulled some shitty stunt like that.

People acting like you've got great taste because you ordered a cheap, shitty beer. You know the set up. There's all these handsome people sitting around, then this hot guy walks up to the hot bartender and says out of the corner of his mouth, "Gimmie a Bud Light." And everyone around him gives him a look of respect. Yeah, that's the guy! Bull. Shit. You order a Bud, Coors, or Miller at a bar after 7PM, first of all, no one around you gives a fuck because if they're sitting at the bar they've been drinking whiskey and Jeager all night. Second of all, the theoretical smoking hot bartender is thinking "damnit, this douche isn't going to tip for shit, and neither are his douchebag undergraduate friends."

So beer commercials, if you're going to be sexist and stupid and shell out an ungodly amount of money for advertising, at least mix it up a bit. I want to see a commercial where a normal looking guy walks into a bar, goes up to the homely bartender, has to shout his order of a 5 Barrel Pale Ale to absolutely no one's interest, and she pours it for him like a normal human being would. Maybe not Super Bowl-worthy, but at least give it a shot guys.

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* Don't even get me started on those fucking Clydesdales. God I hate those horses so much. Am I supposed to be in awe of them like they're fucking royalty??

**Exempt: Red Stripe. Horray beer! Not only is that great, I've purchased infinity times more Red Stripe over the past 10 years than Bud, Coors, and Miller. COMBINED.

3 comments:

Pat said...

Nice post. You're right about the commercials being trite. I have never seen one of these commercials and said to myself "I need to get (insert name of beer here)".

Kelly said...

Actually, I am enthralled every time I hear Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Man in the World" commercials. I can't help myself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI58wj4b4g0

Jimmy Meeks said...

It's the slow pour that I can't stand. Any liquid being poured slowly is like a rusty nail down a chalkboard.

They do the fancy, slow, load pour because alcoholics love that sound.