Friday, December 31, 2010

Top 25 Songs of 2010 (#16-#25)

While you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

I could say that I'm just building suspense, but honestly, it's a procrastination thing that is allowing me to only post the #16-#25 songs of the year. Lots of last minute tweaking and such.

Normally I would use this space to make some sort of unresearched generalization about music in Year 20XX, but honestly, there aren't really any patterns to be summed up anymore. There was just a plethora of awesome songs this year.

So, here's your (meaning "my") Top 25 Songs of 2010, numbers 16-25 (descending).
And enjoy the playlist below.



25. Galactic f. Irma Thomas - "Heart of Steel"

24. Typefighter - "Ocean Floor"

23. Givers - "Saw You First"

22. Josh Ritter - "Change of Time"

21. School of Seven Bells - "Windstorm"

20. Janelle Monae - "Tightrope (f. Big Boi)"


19. Nick Jaina - "Sleep Child"


18. The New Pornographers - "Crash Years"


17. The Spring Standards - "Queen of the Lot"


16. Mumford & Sons - "The Cave"



Top 5 Things About Colorado That Annoy the Crap out of Me

While you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

Don’t get me wrong, we love Colorado. So much so that we’ll probably never move anywhere else. It’s beautiful, people actually want to visit you, it’s got seasons. None of those things were true when we lived in Texas. But, as with all states I’m sure, it’s got some annoyances that must be splayed out airing-of-grievances style.

So today’s list is The Top 5 Things About Colorado That Annoy The Crap Out Of Me.

5. The Food Pretty Much Sucks


I confess that I don’t really get out all that much for dinner. Let’s say you wouldn’t refer to me as a “human Zagat’s guide”. But still, moving from Austin to Colorado was like eating in Baylor’s Penland dorm one day and Collins the next (all my Baylor inside joke homies in the house say “heeeyyyy!”).

4. The Sun


It’s not Alaska or anything, but in the winter the Sun goes down at like 4:30 PM and in the Summer it overstays it’s welcome until 9:30. It’s pretty annoying when it’s still sunny outside and you’re trying to put your kids to bed. Me: “No, honey, it’s just the tilt of the Earth toward the sun that is making you think it’s not nighttime yet.” Her: “IT’S NOT NIGHT YET!!!!!!!”

3. May


Look, snow is enchanting and all. It’s beautiful when it snows that first time. And even in March and April the snow is nice and it melts quickly. But when it’s May and the trees haven’t put out their leaves yet, because they’ve seen this before and they know that there could be one last snow storm, it gets pretty depressing. You know when the rest of the country is on Spring Break? We’re just getting started with Winter in Colorado.

2. You Feel Like an Asshole if You Sit Around the House All Weekend


Typical Monday morning office conversation.

Me: So what’d you do this weekend.
Them: I went on a high-altitude back-country triathlon. Then I went cross-country skiing on Sunday. What’d you do?
Me: I... um... watched football. Oh! I went to the store and bought sneakers!
Them: [looks at me in disgust]


OK usually they don’t look at me in disgust, it’s mostly myself that feels disgusted with myself. Look, I like to just hang out, maybe leave the house if the weather’s nice. And I’ll go hiking every now and again, but jeez! The people here don’t take a weekend off! Don’t you people have Netflix??

1. You Can’t Buy Liquor in Grocery Stores


What are we in the Prohibition Era??? This doesn’t sound like that big a deal, but it is. I go grocery shopping with my kids from time to time. And in Texas, when I went to a grocery store - say, your local H.E.B. - you could pick up a nice 6-pack of beer or bottle of wine and it was no big deal. It was like, “hey, that’s a good father who plans on having a relaxing evening at home after he reads his kids stories before bed-time.” Now in Colorado, when I have to make a second stop to a liquor store, dragging the kids along it’s like, “what a creep! He must be a booze-hound, dragging his kids in here like that! I bet he’s abusive!” when I’m totally none of those things.

Get your act together, Colorado! Let 3.2+% ABV liquor in your fine grocery stores! Except don’t be like California where you can get hard liquor in grocery stores. That shit’s messed up. If you want to buy Jaegermeister, go do it in a fucking liquor store away from us finer citizens. You abusive, creepy booze-hound.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Top 10 Things that Kept Us Sane in 2010

Hello. Long time, no blog. But while you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

Let’s start out with the list of Top 10 Things that Kept Us Sane in 2010, as we have done in 2008 and 2009.

2010 was a bitch of a year. We keep thinking that this past year was the shittiest year ever. But 2010 really took the cake. We had a Cavs epic playoff meltdown followed by "The Decision", the Tea Party going mainstream and making politicians too willing to start things like this which basically makes Uncle Jeb a peer-reviewer for science grants, the Haiti earthquake, the Oil Spill (complete with ranking member of the Committee on Energy and Commerce Joe Barton-R apologizing to BP for everyone being so mean to them), pussy Democrats doing things like firing someone because Andrew Breitbart posted something on youtube, our free cable got phased out by the digital revolution, and I had to write my MS Thesis which I never want to fucking look at again.

If it weren’t for the following group of people and things we certainly would have gone postal on ya’ll months ago.

10. The Sporkful

“It’s not for foodies, it’s for eaters.” If you’re looking for a recipe for coq au vin, you’re looking in the wrong place. No, Dan and Mark would rather use their podcasts to educate the populous on proper buffet strategy, leftover storage and reheating techniques, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (that was a two-parter!). They also started making videos for Slate in which they create ridiculous sandwiches, make Four Loko, and other awesome endeavors.




9. Keenan Thompson

I think Keenan Thompson might be the most underrated Saturday Night Live cast member ever. He’s never mentioned in the pantheon of great cast members, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a skit of his and not laugh. This year he took it to a new level with the Rent is Too Damn High party guy.




8. Wonkette

Pretty much here because of the hilarious headlines they produce day after day, distilling the essence of conservative paranoia and victimology. Other times, the Wonkette headlines are more earnest-funny (“Please Convict Tom DeLay Already), and other times shaming-funny (“Republicans Do Not Care For 9/11 Welfare Queens (First Responders)”), and other times just funny-funny (“Americans Having More Sex In Butt”).

As always, the “Wonkette Guide to the War on Christmasis fun.

See also, “John Bolton Has An Opinion About Wikileaks: Barack Obama Sucks” and “Cool Rush Limbaugh Photoshop Reminds You Obama Is a Black Gang Member

Update: From this morning."
A Children’s Treasury of ‘GZ Mosk’ Activists Against Justin Bieber"

7. Eggo Waffles



Yes, they are incredibly bad for you, and probably only one notch up on Pop-Tart as part of this complete breakfast that will kill you. But when you’ve got two kids in the morning who are like those angry, fast zombies in 28 Days Later until they get food in their stomach, you’ve got to toss something at them. Cold cereal won’t do. Toast requires additional work, like buttering. Eggo Waffles: toss them in the toaster (or not, if it’s critical situation) and you’ve got a terrible breakfast that the kids will devour like locusts. You’re good until 10:30 at least.

(P.S. Love the "Homestyle" Eggos. Nothing says "Homestyle" quite like a perfectly rectangular prism box with 60 frozen waffles inside."

6. The Icelandic Volcano Ash Cloud

Most people would probably put this among the things that made this year suck, but not me. Check this shit out.


ASH CLOUD!!!!!!!

5. The Nintendo Wii

This is a rather recent addition to the List of Things Keeping Us Sane, brought on by an early Christmas present. If you’re like us, then you hate going outside when it’s cold. And it’s hard not to become a fat slob when you don’t go outside. Here’s the thing: if I were to force our kids to run in place, CPS would take them away. But put them in front of a TV screen where they are chasing a kitty, and you’ve got exercise!

4. Aziz Ansari

Mrs. Supercomputer and I saw Aziz this Summer in Denver and he killed us. Like Kenan Thompson, he rarely says a word without cracking us up.

3. Peyton Hillis

In a year of remarkable suckitude for all Cleveland sports, Hillis is pretty much the only athlete not to totally suck. Are people overreacting to his moderate success this year? Yes. Is part of his appeal the novelty of a white running back? Sure. I’d be willing to bet he’s not even a 1000 yard rusher next year. But this year, he was awesome and gave us things like this.



2. Girl Talk

By mixing 100s of different tracks into a sprawling (free) album, Girl Talk created A) a wonderful piece of nostalgia and B), a fun hour-and-a-half time killer. If you work in an office and your co-workers don’t mind a consistent stream of expletives and/or you have headphones, you can spin All Day and crank out a ton of work.



1. The Wire


Having heard nothing but great things about The Wire, I was sort of waiting for a rainy couple months to get into this. Thesis writing time was as good as any. And for the next three months, Mrs. Supercomputer banged out episode after episode, evening after evening. There’s probably not much more to say than this: you know all those annoying co-workers and friends that keep saying “OH MAN, YOU’VE JUST GOT TO WATCH THE WIRE! IT’S AMAZING!”? They’re right.

(P.S. Here's a fun game: for those who haven't seen the entire series, see if you can guess which ONE of the four gentlemen above does not get killed by Season 5!)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Where's My Damn Championship? or, Hack Statistics Showing Just How Futile Cleveland Sports Have Been

As the NFL season kicks off in earnest today, we figured this would be as good a time as any to ask the pertinent question: "Where's my fucking championship?"

This isn't going to be one of those self-flagellating woe-is-Cleveland posts. It's been done. No, this is more of a pissed off, WTF?!!? post. And here's why:

We've managed to keep it under raps, but we quietly turned 30 this past year. And it sucks. Things start to hurt when you didn't even utilize them the night before. You start falling asleep at 9:00 (unless you're Mrs. Supercomputer, in which case you fall asleep at 3 AM). And then Girl Supercomputer started Kindergarten and every day she brings home permission slips to go to the fire department for the eighteenth fucking time (SERIOUSLY SCHOOLS, GET SOME CREATIVITY. TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE PENITENTIARY!). Anyway, we're 30. And with LeBron James taking his talents to South Beach that pretty much fucks over any chance the Cavs had at winning a championship. The Indians are one continual bed-shitting franchise who still owe lots of money to players who suck. It's like they're still wallowing in student loans after getting that humanities degree back in 2007 where they were one game away from the World Series.

And scarily enough, at this point the Cleveland Browns, who have been one of the worst teams in the NFL over the past decade, and started off 1-11 last year, are Cleveland's best chance at winning a championship in the near term future. Partially because they are under new management (not unlike that Taco Bell down the street who claims they are under new management, but that's only because the old management was caught running an animal prostitution ring out of their stepfather's attic). But mostly because the NFL is so volatile there is at least one team who comes out of nowhere to make the playoffs. In essence, Cleveland fans' hopes are tied to a roulette wheel with 31 other teams on it.

Which brings us to this.

Cleveland, for the time being, has three major sports franchise. Each of those sports leagues that the teams play in have about 30 teams. It's changed slightly over the course of our lifetimes, but it probably averages to about 30 teams per season. Therefore, every sports season should theoretically allow for a 1/30 chance your team to win the champioship, leaving a 29/30 chance you'll be disappointed at the end of the year.

Now, according to that GRE book I bought a while ago, that means every year consisting of three sports season, you'd have a (29/30)^3 chance of being disappointed. That means over the course of 30 damn years, you'd have a (29/30)^90 chance of being disappointed throughout your entire sorry-ass life. Let's plot that by year:


This is a pretty goddamn damning graph, created in IDL on a computer that is being paid for by a government institution that, while I'd rather not say it's name, let's just say it's the one department of the US government that will never go unfunded.

Anyway, assuming about 30 teams a season and 30 seasons per sport - yes there was the 1994 MLB strike - feel free to go back and correct my work for that bullshit - by the tender, prepubescent age of EIGHT, probabilistically I could have expected a better than 50/50 chance I would have witnessed a Cleveland championship. Good thing I wasn't a betting man at eight! Because by that time I had already witnessed two soul-crushing, atheist-producing defeats of the Browns to the Broncos in the playoffs.

At this point in my sorry life, there is only a 5% chance that all three of my teams would have suffered such regular futility. And that's only for my life! Imagine all the poor saps who are even older that have never witnessed a Cleveland championship! Really, once you get past 35 straight years of three-sport futility (yes, I know the Cavs are a more recent entity, but there were also fewer football and baseball teams, so I bet it all evens out - again, don't feel like making this scientific study much more rigorous than it already is), you're in the bizarrely statistically significant range where you have those nerds from Numb3rs crapping their pants.

Where's my fucking championship, Cleveland sports??!!!

The reason for my mania rests in a hypothesis that may or may not be true. Perhaps one of you lucky souls who grew up rooting for front-runners like the Bulls and 49ers can fill me in. The reason I get so agitated and anxious year after year, the reason I go into a deep depression that can only be cured by a combination of Xanax and Old Chub, is because my theory is that once Cleveland finally does win a championship, once I pop that championship cherry, it won't really matter as much in the future. Once you win a championship or two, and your kids see it, and you buy the collectors gift package that includes film of the championship thereby proving that it indeed happened, it won't matter quite as much. It wouldn't be as life-or-death after that.

But until that happens, it will remain Life or Death, because there are some poor saps who are Cleveland fans that haven't witnessed a championship that are precipitously close to the latter.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

It's time we started blogging again...

It's been way too damn long since our last post. And I can tell you we have some THOUGHTS about things!

Among the items to be addressed in the coming weeks:
  • DMS parenting advice on sending your kid to Kindergarten.
  • Why twitter is better than Facebook.
  • Incoherent conservatives.
  • It's fucking hot!
  • DMS parenting advice on taking your kids camping.
  • Fruit that doesn't suck.
  • Do McDonald's Happy Meals toys suck more now than in our childhood?
  • Commenter suggestions.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

My case for Brittney Griner as an NBA player


(Full disclosure #1. I graduated from Baylor.
Full disclosure #2. I don't follow women's college basketball.
Full disclosure #3. I don't follow men's college basketball.)

But I DO follow the NBA pretty heavily (at least until Lebron becomes a Knick) and so I offer the following as a thought experiment: Could Brittney Griner play in the NBA?

A couple months ago NBA commissioner David Stern said that within 10 years a woman could play in the NBA and a lot of people laughed at him. Or at least looked at him cock-eyed, myself included. But now that's all changed with Brittney Griner. Once simply a youtube sensation as "the girl that dunks," Griner is now a 6-8 force who crushed the NCAA Women's tourney record for blocks, and is now simply padding that record.

Jason Whitlock had a surprisingly (for him) good article on Griner giving anecdotal evidence of her strength and toughness, always the first two knocks against the potential for a female athlete playing in a professional male-dominated sports league.

But lest you think this is simply a high-minded, liberal agenda, affirmative action oriented gesture toward equality, let me remind you of a few things.

The NBA currently features,
  • a 6-6 starting center (Houston's Chuck Hayes) who is effective,
  • a #2 overall draft pick who was demoted to the development league (for those who don't know what that is, think a step below the Harlem Globetrotters),
  • the #5 pick of the 2009 averaging 6.5 points a game and shooting 36%
  • Darko Milicic pulling down 35+ minutes a night,
  • the team with the best record drafting a foreign player who's currently averaging about 4 points a game.
  • Rasheed Wallace.

You're telling me that these drecks can garner NBA contracts but a 6-8 athletic beast who can block shots couldn't become at the very least an effective bench player (Brittney Griner for the 6th Man Award?)? Why wouldn't a forward thinking team drop a late draft pick on Griner and let her try her hand in the D-league?

Oh by the way, Griner is only 19 and didn't even start playing basketball until 5 years ago.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

I'm having trouble picturing these people

The following picture is from the Barnes and Noble page for comedian Sarah Silverman's new book, The Bedwetter, which drops on April 20 of this year.



I'm having a real hard time picturing the person who would read both Sarah Silverman and any one of these other selections. I wasn't aware there was a ton of Silverman-O'Reilly crossover.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

So here's what I hate about beer commercials.

There's almost nothing more insulting and condescending than beer commercials. I hate them. All of them. The last time I found a beer commercial funny and/or engaging was when the Budweiser frogs debuted. I was like 12 and couldn't buy beer for at LEAST five more years.

So I hate beer commercials. And not just because they're misogynistic and their products (Bud, Coors, Miller) all taste like they've been injected with saline. It's also because there are two beer commercial plots*: guy likes beer more than girlfriend OR people are in a cruddy situation until the beer arrives, then it's all good. But even that's not the only reason I detest beer commercials**. Other reasons:

Unrealistically hot bartenders. I've maybe seen one hot bartender in my life. And it was a dude. Yet, in all these beer commercials there's always a smoking hot blonde behind the bar (which for some reason only has the advertised brand on tap). Never happens people. Or maybe I'm just going to the wrong bars.

Bar conversations. Have you ever had a conversation at a crowded bar and not had to shout?

I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!

WHAT?!!!

I LOOOVE THIS SONG!!!!!

OH! I LOVE PING PONG TOO!!!!!!!!

They turn up the volume in bars because it makes you drink more. It's true. So by midnight your voice is already gone because you're having a "conversation" where you're just shouting short sentences to each other. Yet in beer commercials, it's just a bunch of guys kicking back, shooting the shit.

Pouring beer from five feet above the glass. It pisses me off when they show a close up of a beer being poured into a glass. They must drop it from a cherry picker or something because it always careens down one side of the glass, splashes on the bottom and shoots back up the other side of the glass. Who the fuck pours beer like that? A stuntman? You'd spill half the beer on the floor and the other half would be bubbles. I totally wouldn't tip that smoking hot bartender if she pulled some shitty stunt like that.

People acting like you've got great taste because you ordered a cheap, shitty beer. You know the set up. There's all these handsome people sitting around, then this hot guy walks up to the hot bartender and says out of the corner of his mouth, "Gimmie a Bud Light." And everyone around him gives him a look of respect. Yeah, that's the guy! Bull. Shit. You order a Bud, Coors, or Miller at a bar after 7PM, first of all, no one around you gives a fuck because if they're sitting at the bar they've been drinking whiskey and Jeager all night. Second of all, the theoretical smoking hot bartender is thinking "damnit, this douche isn't going to tip for shit, and neither are his douchebag undergraduate friends."

So beer commercials, if you're going to be sexist and stupid and shell out an ungodly amount of money for advertising, at least mix it up a bit. I want to see a commercial where a normal looking guy walks into a bar, goes up to the homely bartender, has to shout his order of a 5 Barrel Pale Ale to absolutely no one's interest, and she pours it for him like a normal human being would. Maybe not Super Bowl-worthy, but at least give it a shot guys.

==================================

* Don't even get me started on those fucking Clydesdales. God I hate those horses so much. Am I supposed to be in awe of them like they're fucking royalty??

**Exempt: Red Stripe. Horray beer! Not only is that great, I've purchased infinity times more Red Stripe over the past 10 years than Bud, Coors, and Miller. COMBINED.

Friday, March 26, 2010

And now a word from Mrs. Supercomputer

(Ed. note: In case you haven't noticed, we've been taking a pretty severe haitus from the blogosphere. Between work, school, online episodes of Stewart and Colbert, and being the World's Second Greatest Dad - I could never match up to K-Fed - it's tough to get around to espousing our usual nonsense. So we've done what any great brand does: we've outsourced. We've had guest columnists in the past, and today we bring you a truly inspired column from Mrs. Supercomputer - with a 4 minute rebuttal afterwards. Enjoy!)

And now for some molten lava from your friendly neighborhood wife...

"Did you clean the catbox?"

"What?"

"Did you clean the catbox? You said you would tonight."

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"What's so funny in there?"

"This announcer named Gus [Johnson] is hilarious! I mean this game is in double overtime and..."

She interrupts, "What game?"

"Whatever. And it's like someone gave him caffeine and cocaine! It's hilarious! He's like, 'AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!' It's so exciting!"

"..."

"What were you saying? Sorry."

"The catbox."

"I'll do it. I'll do it. Gaw."

"..."

"I'll DO it."

These kinds of "conversations" are the reason why I want to punch the overgrown teenager I live with (read: husband) in the nuts. The worst part? He did not attend Kansas State University or Xavier, does not care about these schools at any other time during the year, does not even know anyone that attends or attended these schools, and sometimes he doesn't even know WHERE the schools are located. But he gets all hopped up. All crazy with crazy eyes and weird giggling laughter and texts his friends more than a 14 yo girl that's bored in history class. Oh mother I want to go Kill Bill bride (when she's wearing the yellow jumpsuit) on him when he jumps up from the couch and moves in to watch the TV standing up, 6 inches from the screen.

My step-dad was sitting two INCHES from the TV when a school he actually attended was playing. He looked like his head might explode the entire time he was watching the TV. It should be said that he recently had eye surgery, but I guarantee you that even without the eye patch, he would still be two to three inches away, curled up in the fetal position with a blanket in his mouth. Sometimes you come upon a man watching a game - it should be noted that it doesn't really matter what sport - and you think he might be watching a scary movie or Extreme Home Makeover. Like he might start crying or scream or burst into spontaneous, maniacal laughter at any moment (which is usually their form of crying). When I see my husband looking like this, I usually slowly back out of the room without making any noise or contrarily, if I'm in a particularly sour mood, sigh loudly while I clean up the house around him, making sure he can hear my exasperation. And you know what? He can't hear me. He can't hear anything except the announcer going "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" and the tiny incessant beeping of his cell phone that is beeping "You-have-yet-another-text-from-Jonathan-that-pokes-some-sort-of-fun-at-whatever-sports-team-you-are-a-fan-of."

It should be said that he did, in fact, clean the catbox (and did a lot of other nice things), but damnit if he doesn't just get my blood a'boilin with them ball games sometimes.

It's like all the sports-disliking women in all the far corners of the world are bubbling under the surface of your psyche and all a man has to do is look at the game once while you're talking to him about something important - that stealing, sideways glance to check the score - and it's over. You are no longer yourself. You are no longer in control.

You are every woman looking at every man who's looking at the game.

(And now for your editor's rebuttal: Gus Johnson is a fucking national treasure. Seriously, check this shit out.


Gus Johnson is legally insane by the end of this clip. And it's awesome.


And as for the juvenile humor, well have you seen the Name of the Year bracket? If you don't laugh at the name Dick Smallberries Jr. then you don't have a soul.

Anyway, thanks to Mrs. Supercomputer for the fill-in. Bang up job. Just so you know, DMS is accepting applications.)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Who Says Colorado Winters Are Brutal?

On my yahoo! homepage I like to keep up with the weather in the towns of my close friends and family. Here it is this morning 2/10/2010:



To my friends and family: SUCKERS!!!!! AIN'T NO SEVERE WEATHER HERE!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

GOLD!

GOLD!



You need GOLD! Without it, you simply don't have any money! Trust me, G. Gordon Liddy convicted felon radio star! You must have GOLD! Today! The American dollar is on the decline and GOLD! is on the rise! If you don't have GOLD! you're a piece of shit! My mustache makes me seem less slimy! Put your trust in GOLD!

GOLD!


The America I once knew is dead. We are now ruled by tyrants who will soon be kicking down your door and hauling you off to a prison. That is, unless you have GOLD. You see, the dollar is officially worthless now and soon we will be resorting back to horse trading. The once constant we'll have is GOLD. You should just trade in your cash dollars now for either GOLD or livestock, because in 12 months, that's all there will be: GOLD and cattle. Everything else will be 100% worthless. Trust me, I cry a lot.

GOLD!


At the b'hest of Her Majesty the Royal Queen of the Kingdom, verily we hath slain the Dragon Lord and claimed our just r'ward! And dids't thou know that GOLD is the very r'ward of which I doth speak? For to p'rchase a fine Shield of Silver or sturdy Plate Mail with which to combat ones foes, the Smitty doth r'quire ones p'rchase to be made in GOLD. Speak not of dollars or euros or rupees, for the finest of armaments, one must obtain GOLD!


GOLD!



AARRRR!! GOLD is what we seek on the high seas! For GOLD is the bounty which we pillage and loot unsuspecting sloops that cross our waterways! GOLD! Avast ye swarthy landlubbers it is the Pirates' GOLD that commands the Spanish Armada at my beck and call! Yar!!!!!!!! I don't be seein' that happening with your filthy, stinking dollars or yen! You'll be laughed right back to port if you don't have GOLD!


GOLD?!


Hee hee hee!!! Sooo it is the spinning wheel that spins GOLD! that you want, eh! Well, my pretty little girl, you may have my spinning wheel of GOLD! Hee hee hoo hoo! BUT, you must answer me a simply riddle, little child! Hee hee! You must tell me my name! Yes! YES! You must tell me my name and this magical spinning wheel shall be yours! Then you can have all the GOLD your heart desires! But you have merely three days to guess my name! If you fail, then you will become mine! Mwu ha ha ha!! Hee hee!!!!!!

GOLD!



Yessir. That's why I'm here. Made my way from Little Rock, Arkansas because I heard there was GOLD rushing through the streams. Done passed through Houston, Lubbock and up through Tuscon to get here, son. You see, I had quite a bad reputation back in Little Rock, but I want to start over with GOLD. GOLD is my only way I'll ever make sumthin' of myself. Then I'll show old pappy who's the fool! Yes, he didn't believe the tales of gold come rushin' down the mountain, but with my GOLD pan and my mule, I'm bound to make it out here.

Gold.



Clearly one of the most precious minerals there are on the planet. As you can see from this periodic table, it has the chemical symbol Au and has an atomic number of 79. In addition it is the most malleable and ductile metal known to man. For this reason it can be especially valuable in electronics. It can also be used to create alloys with other metals, harnessing the power of gold in addition to adding the qualities of other metals, such as iron or mercury. It is also considered one of the "noble metals." This means it is resistant to corrosion or oxidation. Gold. Now your homework tonight is page 73, numbers 11 through 21, odd problems only.