Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'd Love To Babe, but I've Got a Fantasy Football Draft




Girl, you lookin' fine tonight. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to take you out for a night on the town. We'd go to the finest restaurants. We'd go to the classiest clubs. Then we'd rent a fancy hotel room and let it all hang out. But I can't.

I have a fantasy football draft.

Mmmmmm, girl. You know I love it when you put that little black dress on. I swear, that thing's like Superman's kryptonite. I can barely control myself around you. Your hair, your lips. What say you and me get together, after my 16 round serpentine style fantasy football draft this weekend? I have the fourth overall pick and I want to make it special.

Yes, it's Saturday night. And you know what Saturday night's all about. A nice dinner, some dancing. Maybe we could stop by that little cappuccino cafe that you love so very much. I hope you don't mind me bringing along this fantasy football magazine with a picture of Adrian Peterson on the cover. Yes, ma'am I expect big things from "All-day" Adrian.

And speaking of "all-day" what do you say I make you a nice breakfast tomorrow? We can have wild salmon and toast each other with mimosas, followed by four hours of solid fantasy football strategy. Who do you think I should take in the second round, Pierre Thomas or Terrell Owens. Mmmmm, girl, you know what I like...

Let's cut the foreplay and get right into it. When I look into your eyes I'm lost. I could just stare into your beautiful green eyes for hours on end. And while I'm staring, I could participate in an ESPN.com mock fantasy draft. You see, I need practice for my real draft. Awwwww, baby....

But you know what I don't need practice in? That's right, baby. I need absolutely no practice in pleasuring my woman. So long as "pleasuring" means extolling the very fine virtues of having four wide receivers and playing matchups against the defense. In such an instance, I could pleasure you all day and all night.

What say we go over to your place? You see, my place lacks the charm of your wonderful abode. and I want to you be comfortable in your own bed. And your internet connection is very reliable. That's important when I'm participating in my fantasy football draft.

We could stay together all weekend, babe. That's right. Just you and me, all weekend. There will be no ceasing of our enjoyment of each other. I'll bring roses, wine, fine cheeses, and of course, your favorite: sweet, dark chocolate. We'll treat each other like royalty. And then I'll start my auction draft. I plan on bidding $45 on DeAngelo Williams. You dig, baby? Mmmmm, that's what I like to hear.

I'd love to take you out to a fine movie, but I spent the last of my paycheck on the entrance fees to the seven fantasy leagues that I'm in. But baby, if I can win a few then we'll celebrate with nothing but the finest food in the entire town.

Baby, I know we can stay together forever like this. You and me, love knows no bounds. I'll stay by your side and love you up now and forever. Which reminds me: whom should I make my keeper player? You know, the one special player that will be by my side from year to year. Just like us, baby. Just like us.