Friday, July 10, 2009

Real Time Movie Reviews: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

(Most movie reviewers like to wait until they've watched the entire movie before they submit a final review. Not us, we like to get liquored up, pop in the DVD, and let 'er rip in semi-real time. So take that, Peter Travers!!

Tonight we review, The Curious Case of Benj-)

HOLY CRAP! KILL ME NOW!! THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING LONG I WANT TO DIE!!!!! What the hell was that bit about the clock at the beginning??? Yeah, we get it! Brad Pitt is living backwards. Brilliant. We got it. We still have two and a half hours to go???!!! Holy hell!!!!

It's like the editors of this movie decided, "you know what? Fuck it. I'm tired. Everything it perfect. Let's just go with the damn raw shooting footage!" Thanks a fucking lot for that bit about the guy getting struck by lightning. NO POSSIBLE WAY WE COULD HAVE LEFT THAT OUT OF YOUR INCREDIBLY LONG BORING MOVIE?!!

Let us get this straight: we watch and LOVE P.T. Anderson movies. We thought There Will Be Blood was the best movie of that year. We watch Magnolia at least once a month. But hell if I'm ever sitting through this piece of crap again.

What?? It's an hour into the movie and Brad Pitt's still 80 fucking years old??!! Please. Kill. Me. Is this what old age is like? Is that the idea? OK, we get it. We don't need another hour and a half to teach us that lesson.

Please God, not another scene with the unintelligible dying lady. No. Not another one. They add absolutely nothing to the film. Please tell me she dies real soon and we don't have to hear from her again.

Oh, you're throwing Hurricane Katrina in there? Pretty fucking topical, Mr. Director! Is this the same directorial expertise that enabled you to bring life to Video Hits: Paula Abdul? You maggot. I'm sure that's what F. Scott Fitzgerald was thinking when he wrote this awful experience.

How in the hell did this get nominated for Best Picture? Oh that's right, because it's so long it makes you want to die. Pretty clever, stupid piece of crap movie.

This movie is so inept. It has almost three hours to work with and explores absolutely nothing of worth. There's nothing poignant about life or aging or love or anything except for the fact that I'M THREE HOURS CLOSER TO MY MORTAL MOMENT THANKS TO THIS PIECE OF CRAP!!!! I never want to see this movie again. I never want to think about this movie again.

What? There's still an hour to go before this piece of shit is over? Oh man. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on my keybrfghl;',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


Adam said...

Couldn't agree more. How did that movie get nominated for Best Picture? The only pleasure I derived from watching this movie was imagining the possible ways it could have been a good movie - there was potential I think. They sure screwed it up though. Painful movie to sit through.

By the way, I like this live blogging movies idea.

gk said...

I was excited and all for the movie. But then, they had an Arcade Fire song in the preview. I hope this doesn't bode ill for "Where the Wild Things Are."