Friday, May 08, 2009

MP3 of the Week: "ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!" Edition

So we saw I Am Legend recently. It was a gosh-awful piece of shit movie. But amazingly, it was even bad for a zombie flick.

Actually, it might have been ok if it weren't for the rid-freaking-diculous zombies.

Dear director of I Am Legend: zombies don't have leaders. They are not organized. They're zombies. And they don't use zombie dogs to attack.

And no CGI. No no no. You can't do that.

Taking a step back and looking at the zombie, big picture, it stands to reason that we need some sort of High Council on zombies. We need some ground rules.

You see, at one time, zombies were animated undead. They crawled out of their graves and tried to eat your brains. They were slow and ambling and often dragging a limb behind them. And they weren't affected if you, say, chopped their leg off. They would just sort of move along and grope through windows mindlessly.

It was a perfect metaphor.

But now it's all messed up. Now zombies are all created via some infection (or, in the case of I Am Legend a ..... cure for cancer!!!!! Hear that??! Cancer cure = bad!!! So provocative!!!!). And they are fast. Man are they fast. They could outrun you yes they could. And still going with the virus theme, they spread their zombie-ism via bite, or in the case of that poor fuck in 28 Days Later a blood drop in the eye. And BAM! You're a zombie. And, except in I am Legend, there is never any cure. What happened? Did they evolve? In 50 years of zombie movies they're now super-agile? We don't buy it.

We're guessing the zombism-via-virus and the rapid spread throughout the mass public (as opposed to the good old days of some remote cabin where two wayward teens went to have a good time) is part of the post-modern metaphor: we're all connected. Globalism. Sensationalism. Fear. Terrorism. Though nothing will beat Dawn of the Dead: zombies at the mall?? Brilliant. There's definitely a bad master's thesis in there somewhere for some sap who's getting his or her masters degree in film. Sucks to be that person.

Anyway, this is distracting us from our original point: I Am Legend was pure fecal matter.


Tor / Sufjan Stevens - "Night Zombies / Talkin My Shit (feat. Brother Ali)"

For more incredible Sufjan Stevens - rap music mashups, go here. Seriously, they're amazing.

(What you thought it would be the Cranberries? You wish.)

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