Thursday, May 07, 2009

In Which We Gush Like a 13-Year Old Girl With a Serious Boy-Crush


You knew it was coming. We knew it was coming. But it's time.

We thought we could wait until the end of the NBA playoffs. We fully expected to do this in June or July. But we can't take it anymore. Because Dear Mr. Supercomputer is in love.

It's still early. Early in his career. Early in these playoffs. But Lebron is one of those athletes. As in Michael Jordan. Babe Ruth. And that's about it. He's in the discussion for the One.

Hold on. We need a glass of water.

Tonight he hit a ridiculous 40 foot shot at the end of the first half and we almost started crying.

What makes him different is that he's so different. (side note: this is the scene in 12 years where Girl Supercomputer is imploring, "but Daaaaad! I love him!!! And we're going to get married!!!)

Hold on. We need a Xanax.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. Lebron.

Like we said. He's different. It's almost silly to compare him to any basketball player that's ever lived because he's nothing like any basketball player that's ever lived. People throw out Magic Johnson as a good comp. Maybe. Maybe if Magic put on 50 pounds of muscle and had an extra 10 inches on his vertical. Maybe if Magic was as explosive off the dribble, played world-class defense, and overpower defenders groping at his arms.

If this sounds familiar, it probably is.

Hold on. We need a tissue.

This Cavs team is a joy to watch. Like no team that we've ever seen. They play great defense. They share the ball. They actually seem to like each other. It's crazy. They are a perfectly constructed team. They can give you five different looks. The bench players know their roles.

Remember all those horrible things we said about Anderson Varajao? One of our favorite players right now.

But we can save the team-praise for later. For now, it's about Lebron.

By the time he's done, he might be the best player of all time in any sport. That's not an exageration. Oh sure, you'll have some fuckwad saying things like, "Babe Ruth is the greatest and always will be! He drank beer and ate hot dogs!!!" Go screw yourself. Babe Ruth never played against a black person. Or latino person. And pretty much a big dickhead as a person.

No, Lebron, while it's still early, could be better than anyone.

What's most amazing is how well grounded he is. For someone who was a trillionare at the age of 18, he's amazingly not-insane. I know if I had as much money as he did at that age, I'd probably be strung out on high-end cocaine. And the list is pretty long of NBA teenagers that end up just like that.

What's amazing is that he's our guy. He plays for our team. Us!

Hold on. We need a cigarrette.


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