Friday, May 22, 2009

Witness


We are all witnesses.

MP3 of the Week: "What If We Don't Win?" Edition

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Shit. Fucking shit fuck.

Holy mother of fuck.



Normally we'd write off the collective cliff-jumping that Cavs fans are currently undertaking as typical woe-is-us Cleveland mentality. We mean, give us a break, right? It was just one game? Right? And in a seven game series the first game is usually the least important. Right??? Please tell us we're right.

For some reason, last night's defeat was more defeating that most defeats. Maybe there's a little Chicken Little groupthink going on, but Cavs fans are fucking terrified right now.

What's truly fucking scary is that there were a few scant Cavs bloggers who before the series were warning that this Orlando matchup was the worst possible matchup for the Cavs. And in great detail, they described just how this Magic team was such a bad matchup: their tall guards would stunt the effectiveness of the Cavs undersized backcourt and the Cavs have no defensive player capable of stopping Dwight Howard. And all that Cleveland defensive rotation would give Orlando the impetus to shoot threes, which is something, oh by the fucking way, they are fucking good at.

Fuck.

Fucking fuck.

That's exactly what happened. The voices were few suggesting this was a road map to Orlando victory, but it was eerie how accurate these descriptions of the Cavs' demise were. The Cavs' guards were terrible. So bad, I'm thinking of not wearing my Mo Williams shirt for the rest of the series. And the Cavs centers looked like they were playing in slow motion against Howard (you have to admit, Zdrrunas and Varajao look impressed in that photo above), who didn't miss any shots. At least none that I remember. And after starting off cold, the Magic's three point shooting began to slice into the Cavs lead. By the end there were four Cavs players standing around hoping that Lebron did something wonderful.

Fantastic. We're exactly where we were two years ago.

We had totally bought in to this team. This was the team that would do it. They were likable, professional, fun, and included the best player in the world. We're totally not emotionally prepared for a letdown. We've already drank the Kool-Aid. Throwing it up is the only way to get it out of our system.

We'll see tomorrow how this Cavs team responds. It may be just the sky-is-falling brainwashing that we've all grown to hate about rooting for Cleveland, but last night's loss didn't just feel like a loss. It felt like an instruction manual on how to beat this, until now, unbeatable team.

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Metric - "Gimme Sympathy"

Sunday, May 17, 2009

What's With These People?

The following is a roundtable discussion between Girl Supercomputer and Boy Supercomputer. We left a tape recorder in their room one day. Seriously, we didn't even know the boy could talk but sure enough, the evidence is clear.

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Boy Supercomputer: What's with these people?

Girl Supercomputer: Which people?

BS: You know. Mom and Dad. They can be such jerkwads sometimes.

GS: I know right??! Tell me about it. This whole bedtime thing is a joke.

BS: You're telling me! You get to stay up until 8:00! They put me to bed at like 7:45.

GS: Either way, it's, like, soooooo bright outside. Seriously, this bedtime thing has GOT to go.

BS: Sure does.

GS: You know what's worse?? As soon as we "go to bed," they're up watching all sorts of cool movies all night!

BS: Man! That totally SUCKS!

GS: Sometimes I come out of my bed and there they are on the couch, watching something, and they tell me to go back to bed. They threaten to take my nightlight after I do it a few times. But you know what? I found a loophole.

BS: Do tell.

GS: Well I've got a couple strategies actually. The first thing I do is come out reeeeeal slowly and then I look at Daddy (he's the softy) and say in the most pensive voice I can muster, "I just wanted to say I love you." Any animosity they had just melts away. It's awesome. Then I have a few seconds with which I can either grab an extra stuffed animal, book, or toy to play with in bed.

BS: Brilliant! I don't know that I could pull that off.

GS: OK, try this one. BATHROOM! I come out and say I have to go to the bathroom. What are they gonna do, say "no?" And I usually can go pee too because one of the first things I do is ask for extra water. So I take my time. Sing a song. Wash my hands. I can usually stretch one pee into a good 15 minutes of extra staying up time.

BS: You are a mad genius.

GS: Eh. It's not rocket science.

BS: Well, I'm still on the diaper thing so I'm not too sure about that one.

GS: You're still pulling the diaper bit? Ha! That one kills me. (*Mockingly*) "Ooooh waahhh I'm a baby! You have to wipe the crap off my butt!" Man, that was the sweet life. Let me tell you kid, keep that going for as long as you can. Nothing sucks worse that being right in the middle of a real kickass tea-party and then having to excuse yourself from your stuffed animals to use the bathroom. What I wouldn't give to just be able to just go and continue on with my life.

BS: Yeah, it's pretty sweet. I can just be watching TV and instead of having to pause it, I just load up the diaper and keep watching.

GS: Ah, those were the days.

BS: Yeah.

GS: You know what though? You stick with me and I'll get you through it.

BS: Thanks sis.

GS: That's what big sisters are for. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

BS: Cool have fun. I'll be here hitting myself on the head with things.

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

MP3 of the Week: "Favorites So Far" Edition

Normally it gets to be about May or June and we think, "Oh crap. We haven't heard a single new album yet this year." And frankly, a lot of time the early-year releases aren't that inspiring. But more likely, it's a function of the fact that A) albums are so damned expensive and B) who the hell has time to go to a record store? Certainly not us. Besides, the record stores in Fort Collins are a fucking joke.

Enter Amazon.com's $5 album deals.

Now we're ready. We're ready to make album compilation lists at the drop of a hat. Check it.

We're not ready to rank any of these albums just yet. But these are our favorites thus far.

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Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, vs. Children. Our favorite album lyrically of the year. The sparse constructions of the songs are a perfect match for the characters described.

Metric, Fantasies. Super-catchy. Metric goes glam.

St. Vincent, Actor. This album honestly had a leg up due to our previously divulged affection for St. Vincent. Regardless, this album is superb and might very well end up - ..... oh wait, we said we weren't going to rank anything.

Mirah, (A)spera. It's about time Mirah released another album. C'mon Miracle - one of our favorites - was released five years ago. It does not disappoint.

Phoenix. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix.

Feel free to let us know what we've missed (note: we did not miss the Decemberists. Seriously, kill me with a fork).

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Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - "You Were Alone"

Friday, May 08, 2009

MP3 of the Week: "ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!" Edition


So we saw I Am Legend recently. It was a gosh-awful piece of shit movie. But amazingly, it was even bad for a zombie flick.

Actually, it might have been ok if it weren't for the rid-freaking-diculous zombies.

Dear director of I Am Legend: zombies don't have leaders. They are not organized. They're zombies. And they don't use zombie dogs to attack.

And no CGI. No no no. You can't do that.

Taking a step back and looking at the zombie, big picture, it stands to reason that we need some sort of High Council on zombies. We need some ground rules.

You see, at one time, zombies were animated undead. They crawled out of their graves and tried to eat your brains. They were slow and ambling and often dragging a limb behind them. And they weren't affected if you, say, chopped their leg off. They would just sort of move along and grope through windows mindlessly.

It was a perfect metaphor.


But now it's all messed up. Now zombies are all created via some infection (or, in the case of I Am Legend a ..... cure for cancer!!!!! Hear that??! Cancer cure = bad!!! So provocative!!!!). And they are fast. Man are they fast. They could outrun you yes they could. And still going with the virus theme, they spread their zombie-ism via bite, or in the case of that poor fuck in 28 Days Later a blood drop in the eye. And BAM! You're a zombie. And, except in I am Legend, there is never any cure. What happened? Did they evolve? In 50 years of zombie movies they're now super-agile? We don't buy it.

We're guessing the zombism-via-virus and the rapid spread throughout the mass public (as opposed to the good old days of some remote cabin where two wayward teens went to have a good time) is part of the post-modern metaphor: we're all connected. Globalism. Sensationalism. Fear. Terrorism. Though nothing will beat Dawn of the Dead: zombies at the mall?? Brilliant. There's definitely a bad master's thesis in there somewhere for some sap who's getting his or her masters degree in film. Sucks to be that person.


Anyway, this is distracting us from our original point: I Am Legend was pure fecal matter.

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Tor / Sufjan Stevens - "Night Zombies / Talkin My Shit (feat. Brother Ali)"



For more incredible Sufjan Stevens - rap music mashups, go here. Seriously, they're amazing.

(What you thought it would be the Cranberries? You wish.)

Thursday, May 07, 2009

In Which We Gush Like a 13-Year Old Girl With a Serious Boy-Crush


You knew it was coming. We knew it was coming. But it's time.

We thought we could wait until the end of the NBA playoffs. We fully expected to do this in June or July. But we can't take it anymore. Because Dear Mr. Supercomputer is in love.

It's still early. Early in his career. Early in these playoffs. But Lebron is one of those athletes. As in Michael Jordan. Babe Ruth. And that's about it. He's in the discussion for the One.

Hold on. We need a glass of water.

Tonight he hit a ridiculous 40 foot shot at the end of the first half and we almost started crying.

What makes him different is that he's so different. (side note: this is the scene in 12 years where Girl Supercomputer is imploring, "but Daaaaad! I love him!!! And we're going to get married!!!)

Hold on. We need a Xanax.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. Lebron.

Like we said. He's different. It's almost silly to compare him to any basketball player that's ever lived because he's nothing like any basketball player that's ever lived. People throw out Magic Johnson as a good comp. Maybe. Maybe if Magic put on 50 pounds of muscle and had an extra 10 inches on his vertical. Maybe if Magic was as explosive off the dribble, played world-class defense, and overpower defenders groping at his arms.

If this sounds familiar, it probably is.

Hold on. We need a tissue.

This Cavs team is a joy to watch. Like no team that we've ever seen. They play great defense. They share the ball. They actually seem to like each other. It's crazy. They are a perfectly constructed team. They can give you five different looks. The bench players know their roles.

Remember all those horrible things we said about Anderson Varajao? One of our favorite players right now.

But we can save the team-praise for later. For now, it's about Lebron.

By the time he's done, he might be the best player of all time in any sport. That's not an exageration. Oh sure, you'll have some fuckwad saying things like, "Babe Ruth is the greatest and always will be! He drank beer and ate hot dogs!!!" Go screw yourself. Babe Ruth never played against a black person. Or latino person. And pretty much a big dickhead as a person.

No, Lebron, while it's still early, could be better than anyone.

What's most amazing is how well grounded he is. For someone who was a trillionare at the age of 18, he's amazingly not-insane. I know if I had as much money as he did at that age, I'd probably be strung out on high-end cocaine. And the list is pretty long of NBA teenagers that end up just like that.

What's amazing is that he's our guy. He plays for our team. Us!

Hold on. We need a cigarrette.


Sunday, May 03, 2009

This is Why We Voted For Obama, Kerry

Four years ago we voted for John Kerry, despite being at odds with him policy-wise on many issues and being generally underwhelmed by him personally. As it turns out, George Bush got himself elected and in 2005, had the opportunity to nominate two Supreme Court justices to replace the retiring Sandra Day O'Connor, moderate, and William Rhenquist, not moderate. With the nomination and eventual appointment of John Roberts and Samuel Alito the Court lurched rightward. That's kind of what we were afraid of. But really, all that happened was one moderate got replaced by one conservative.

Obama could possibly have the opportunity to nominate three Supreme Court justices, all potential liberal replacements.

The average Supreme Court tenure is 26 years So thank goodness for 2008. Had Sarah Palin been elected president, there's no telling how far right the SCOTUS would drift and for how many years to come.