Sunday, May 11, 2008

Introducing: the Super-Duper Delegate

I could go the rest of my life never hearing the word "superdelegate" and be happier for it. However, that's clearly not going to happen. And these Superdelegates aren't getting us anywhere. So it is my pleasure to introduce the Democratic "Super-DUPER Delegate." Just like the Super Delegates, they consist of an independent group of party leaders. However, in addition to party leaders, the Super-Duper Delegates also consist of community organizers, leading economists, foreign relations experts, area Radio Shack managers, Dear Mr. Supercomputer, homeless dudes, rappers, my cats Brint and Meekus (.5 Super Duper Delegates each), and Sam Vetter of West Virginia, who said the following:

"I've got 50-some guns, and I wasn't crazy about Obama's talk about small towns," said Sam Vetter, 64, a farmer and lifelong Democrat who regrets voting for Bush in 2000. "Besides," he added, "Obama just doesn't sound right for an American president."

(ed. note: That was nice of the LA Times to clean up that quote grammatically. Anyone who doesn't think Mr. Vetter said "Obama just don't sound right..." is kidding themselves. Also, I'm pretty sure he said "neart 50 guns." And it was also nice of them to not include the part where he said "Get offa my land!" and then shot at the reporters with a shotgun in between bites of squirrel stew.)

The Super-Duper Delegates were chosen unilaterally by me after much deliberation and eight vodka tonics.

Anyway, after much deliberation the Super-Duper Delegate Caucus votes were cast and according to the delegate distribution, based on the equation below

you can clearly see that Barack Obama is the winner and will therefore be our Democratic nominee for President.

See, isn't this method way better?

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