Friday, March 21, 2008

The *Real* Nine Circles of Hell



Exactly 708 years ago today marks the beginning of Dante's Inferno in which he was contemplating suicide in the woods and then caught a glimpse of what he described as the Nine Circles of Hell. Each circle had a different category of sin associated with it. There he saw several historical and biblical figures. It is unclear where King "Longshanks" was.

Well, last night, while we weren't contemplating suicide necessarily, between Baby Supercomputer's refusal to eat despite being hungry and Toddler Supercomputer's wetting her pants, let's just say we weren't in a happy place, we also had a vision of the nine circles of Hell.

You see, Dante got wrong. There are indeed nine circles of hell, with each level for increasing levels of sin. However, his depiction of the crimes committed relegating the poor souls into said circles is way off. Here are the DMS 10 Circles of Hell.

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Ye, verily I say to you, the sights ye are about to beholde are notte for the fainte of hearte!!!

Sorry, the 'e' button was stuck on my keyboard.

1. Radio talk show hosts. I was a little surprised to see them so early, but there they were: Rush, Howard, and Colin Cowherd. And while it wasn't the deepest of levels of hell, it was certainly the most annoying.

Their punishment: They didn't even notice they were wallowing in human waste because they were all complaining about the immigration policies of the U.S. or how Allen Iverson is a thug.

2. Anyone associated with a truck commercial. From the head of the advertising section, all the way down to John Mellencamp, there they were. There was a propensity of country singers here. And of course, Bob Segar. There was a special subset of Texas truck commercial makers.

Punishment: They had their eyes gouged out and had to listen to a "This is Our Country" and "Like a Rock" simultaneously for all eternity.

3. Assholes. All the assholes in the world were there. And also several subsets of assholes: jerk wads, morons, and jerk offs to name a few.

Punishment: They had to stand in an endless line at the DMV, waiting for the next window to be open. But alas, it never was.

4. Disgraced televangelists. As I ventured further through the depths, there was a cadre of once prominent proclaimed evangelicals who had been defrocked, disgraced, and humiliated. Certainly, this was the most enjoyable of all the circles of hell.

Punishment: A football to the groin for all eternity.

5. That girl in the blue Mazda 626 with the license plate G54-297 on South 1st Street the other day. She knows why.

Punishment: The swelling, eternal sound of seventy times seven honking horns.

6. Political/White collar evildoers. Here was a mishmash of the indellible link between governmental and corporate crime. On the one hand you had the Enron people and the other you had Karl Rove and "Scooter" Libby. Yes, Scooter. George Bush may have commuted your sentence for a federal crime, but Lucifer is not so forgiving.

Punishment: Remember that scene towards the end of Maverick where Mel Gibson throws up the gun to the squabbling James Garner and James Coburn? And then it turns out to be empty of bullets. That's what happens. Except instead of a gun, it was an endless can of mace. And it sprayed the guy who caught it in the face unsuspectingly as well.

7. Bugs. Man I hate bugs. I'm pretty sure they don't have souls, but they were cast down to hell anyway. And thank goodness. Bugs suck. All of them. Ants, spiders, roaches, crickets. I fucking hate bugs. They're gross and they creep me out. They can rot in hell, souls or not, for all I care. I don't care if they're a fundamental part of the food chain. I don't even care if they're on the endangered species list. Squish them and send them straight to the firey pits where they belong.

Punishment: This guy:



8. Credit Card Companies. Not the actual people, mind you. Just the companies and the data that hold good people down. And the soulless robots who man the companies.

Punishment: The Righteous souls who dutifully paid their life savings to these bloodsucking entities got to stand there like Ed Norton at the end of Fight Club and watch them blow up. It was awesome.

9 These are the real bad people. Here's where we get to Hitler, Edi Amin, and Jimmy Carter ("He's history's greatest monster!").

Punishment: I didn't stick around for long because I was trembling, but all I saw was this squirrel.



So you know some bad stuff was about to go down.

Bonus Level of Hell! It's easy to see how Dante missed this level. See, you have to get the magic whistle on the top of the castle. And you need the raccoon suit to get up there. This was the circle of Surprised Terrorists.

Punishment: In hell.

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And lo, I climbed out of the mire to the sound of Baby Supercomputer screaming for food and a new diaper at 4:15 AM. Wait a second...... where am I......

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That made Us LOL