Saturday, December 29, 2007

Top 10 GRE Words of 2007

As the year begins to turn to 2008, we'll be participating in a tradition as old as the Internets themselves: creating an overabundance of top 10 lists.

Dear Mr. Supercomputer had the pleasure of taking the GRE this morning. So before we get to the list of the day, there's a few things we'd like to say first:

Stupid GRE damn test. Fuck up my Christmas break will you?! With your damn words that no one except pretentious pricks know.
Soporific?! Succor?! Grandiloquence?!! I've got a vocabulary word: fuck you. But you're such assholes you'd probably remind me that that's two words. Well bite me. You want an analogy? Try this one on for size:

GRE : test :: can eat : my ass


And if I have to spend another minute reading your god-awful reading comprehension compositions I might just go fling poo at the closest ETS office. Where did you find this "reading material." Total bullshit about the architecture of the pilgrims or the recent trend in water purification?! Why not just read me the ingredients of a box of Fruit Loops? Or better yet: just take a crowbar and whack me over the head with it!

But at least I'm done with you. I got a damn good score, no thanks anything relevant I've learned in the past 27 years. So you can just go straight to hell GRE.


Whew.

Now that that's out of the way... let me present to you the Top 10 GRE (Bullshit) Words of 2007 That You Will Never Hear or Use In Conversation Unless You Are Conversing With Assholes.

10. Hegemony. I actually used this bullshit word in the essay portion. I hate myself.
9. Equanimity. It's even better when the really long bullshit word doesn't mean what it sounds like!
8. Maudlin. Seriously, if I ever heard someone use this word in a conversation, I'd punch them in the crotch.
7. Obsequious.
6. Surreptitious. Just say "sneaky" dammit!!!!!
5. Aver. Give me a fucking break.
4. Noisome. Definition has nothing to do with noise.
3. Soporific. What the fuck?! "Causes drowsiness?" When have you ever picked up a Ny-Quill bottle and it said "Caution - the contents of this bottle are soporific!" Never. That's when.
2. Misanthrope.
1.Grandiloquence. "Pompus speech or expression." Yup.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The Top 10 Favorite Cleveland Athletes of 2007

As the year begins to turn to 2008, we'll be participating in a tradition as old as the Internets themselves: creating an overabundance of top 10 lists.

This coming Sunday the Browns have a chance to sneak into the NFL playoffs. The unfortunate part is that nothing they do this Sunday will matter. No, all we can do is root for Vince Young and the Titans to lose against an Indianapolis team that will probably be resting most of its starters. But the fact that the Browns are even in contention is not only a major step up from previous years, but also a huge, huge surprise. You see, about 20 minutes into the season, they looked like the worst team in football. And in Week 2, the Browns started out the game by giving up an easy touchdown to the Bengals. Yet somehow, some way, they're here with a possible chance at a playoff appearance. Regardless of what happens this Sunday, this has been an impressive year and has reenforced the lesson of Cleveland sports this year: expect the unexpected. We'll recap the top moments in Cleveland sports soon, but for today we'll just look at the players. Today's list is the Top 10 Cleveland Athletes of 2007.

(ed note: these aren't necessarily the best athletes, just our favorites; the ones that we'll remember about 2007)

10. Braylon Edwards. Drops the occasional easy pass, but no one has more highlight catches.
9. Casey Blake. But only because he had the whole "Torgo" look going.
8. Paul Byrd. So he used HGH. He had a heck of a playoffs.
7. Grady Sizemore. (*swoon*)
6. Joe Thomas. Chose to go fishing instead of attending the NFL Draft. Have to respect that.
5. Asdrubal Cabrera & Jhonny Perralta. Partly because their double plays helped ruin the Yankees and partly because they have weird names.
4. Phil "the Battering Ram" Dawson. The kick against the r*vens was one I'll never forget. And then he does it again in the snow and wind.
3. Fausto Carmona. Was awful in 2006 and a CY Young candidate in 2007.
2. Derek "Horse Balls" Anderson. He might not even be a Brown next year, but he has given us the most exciting Browns season since Dear Mr. Supercomputer was a pre-teen.
1. Lebron James. He may be a bandwagonning frontrunner when it comes to picking his favorite teams growing up. But my, is he a fine basketball player. He had one of the most impressive individual playoff games in NBA history and singlehandedly turned around a franchise. Without Lebron, the Cavs are the worst team in the NBA. With him, they are a title contender. We are all witnesses. And he hosted Saturday Night Live.


Honorable Mention: The midge.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Top 10 Beers of the Year

As the year begins to turn to 2008, we'll be participating in a tradition as old as the Internets themselves: creating an overabundance of top 10 lists.

Tonight, Mr. and Mrs. Supercomputer are going drinkin'. M-i-L Supercomputer is in town watching the children, so we're spending tonight at the dive-iest bar in town: Lovejoys. Where the homeless meet 6th Street. In honor, here are your top 10 Beers of 2007.


10.
Tecate
9. Shiner Hefewiezen
8. Bridgeport IPA
7.
New Belgium Brewery - Fat Tire
6. Red Stripe - hooray beer!
5. Real Ale - Rio Blanco Pale Ale
4. Spaten Premium Lager
3. New Belgium Brewery Blue Paddle

2. Independence Brewing Bootlegger Brown
1.
Real Ale Fireman's 4


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas - Bring on the Top 10 Lists!

As the year begins to turn to 2008, we'll be participating in a tradition as old as the Internets themselves: creating an overabundance of top 10 lists.

Today's top 10 list is the Top 10 Most Disgusting Holiday Themed Foods.

10. Fruit Cake
9. Cranberry "Sauce" - especially that canned stuff.
8. Yams w/ Marshmallows - I'll just take the marshmallow's thank you.
7. Stuffing cooked outside of the turkey - because it's just not right.
6. Valentine's Day Candy Hearts - tastes gross and leads to traumatic elementary school love triangles.
5. Menudo - Is Sunday a holiday?
4. Circus Peanuts - I'm putting this in the Halloween food category.
3. Egg Nog - ok people, it tastes like milk that's gone sour.
2. Candy Corn - mmmmmm....... waaaaxxxx......
1. Cadbury Creme Eggs - If you've ever eaten more than one of these at a time, you're a sick, sick bastard.


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Bonus List! Just to get things kicked off right.

Top 10 Coffees of 2007
.

10. Starbucks Breakfast Blend
9. Central Market Fair Trade Columbian
8. Equal Exchange Breakfast Blend
7. Cafe Sanora House Blend
6. Starbucks Sumatra
5. Whole Foods Columbian
4. Lola Savanah Texas Pecan
3. Dunkin' Donuts Brand
2. Lola Savanah Cozy Winter's Night
1. Lola Savanah Hawaiian Grog

Thursday, December 20, 2007

"See, and the stuffed deer head goes right here."

I just have one question for today: do the AP photographers purposefully try to make George W. Bush look incompetent, or does he just look this way all the time?


Reuters must have it in for him too.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Writer's Strike Hitting DMS Readers Expecially Hard

AUSTIN, TX -- As the Writer's Guild of America continues striking, the loyal readers of one of the hottest blogs on the net, Dear Mr. Supercomputer, are trying to cope with the lack of new material.

"This whole 'going weeks at a time' is not going to work. It's like, come on, can't you just write for free?" queried one anonymous, ultra-loyal reader.

The WGA strike is focused on restructuring an existing collective bargaining agreement with producers. It is believed that revenue generated by non-traditional sources, such as revenue from online content, is the main obstacle to an agreement being reached.

Dear Mr. Supercomputer has been especially vocal in the WGA strike, sometimes lashing out at entities totally unrelated to any of the parties involved. "Fucking 80 degree weather in December," DMS relayed in an official statement concerning the writer's strike. "And what the hell is this on forehead? Is it infected?" the statement rambled on.

The zionistic readers of Dear Mr. Supercomputer have had to resort to all sorts of measures to make up for the absence of new DMS material. "I've been re-reading every post, one a day, to get my daily Dear Mr. Supercomputer fix," commented one reader, only known by the call name "Ash."

Others are being more creative. "Well, I know this kid with Turretts Syndrome. An hour of that is kind of like a DMS post" commented "Jo."

"I just re-watch PBS shows online and listen to overly-pretentious music and that pretty much gets the job done," commented "Anonymous." "I just photoshopped a bunch of stuff I hate together and emailed it to myself, followed by me ranking the seven worst things Tom Delay did, then spending three hours trying to decide which Circle of Hell Donald Rumsfeld would end up" commented another.

There does not appear to be any end in sight for the WGA either. Whether this means that the rabid fanbase of Dear Mr. Supercomptuer will have to subsist on secondary blogs remains to be seen.

It is certain, however, that the writer's strike isn't the only thing keeping Dear Mr. Supercomputer from posting often.

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The Beatles - "Hey Jude"
Jeff Buckley - "Satisfied Mind (live)"
Diana Krall - "Temptation"

Saturday, December 01, 2007

MP3 of the Week: "BCS Rankings of Songs" Editon

The BCS (Bowl Championship Series) Rankins for the Best Songs of 2007 were released today. Now mind you, these rankings can change before the end of the season, but they are really a chance for people to complain about why Song Y is ranked ahead of Song Z.

  1. "Wet and Rusting" - Menomena
  2. "23" - Blonde Redhead
  3. "Fake Empire" - The National
  4. "Keep the Car Running" - Arcade Fire
  5. "Paper Planes" - M.I.A.
  6. "Bros" - Panda Bear
  7. "Bodysnatchers" - Radiohead
  8. "Intervention" - Arcade Fire
  9. "Truck" - The Octopus Project
  10. "Mother of Pearl" - Nellie McKay
  11. "Bees Bein' Strugglin" - The Octopus Project
  12. "The Ivori Palms" - Peter and the Wolf
  13. "Now, Now" - St. Vincent
  14. "The Magic Position" - Patrick Wolf
  15. "Cherry Bomb" - Spoon
  16. "I Feel it All" - Feist
  17. "Angel in the Snow" - Elliott Smith
  18. "Black Blizzard / Red Umbrella " The Octopus Project
  19. "No Cars Go" - Arcade Fire
  20. "Slow Show" - The National
  21. "Phantom Limb" - The Shins
  22. "My Moon / My Man" - Feist
  23. "Nude" - Radiohead
  24. "Sleeping Lessons" - The Shins
  25. "Dashboard" - Modest Mouse

Keep in mind that the BCS rankings take into account such things as strength of schedule and margin of victory.

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Radiohead - "Bodysnatchers"

(P.S. Why the hell are you downloading this track?)