Sunday, April 29, 2007

The City of Cleveland Just Got 4% Hunkier


All the talk was about the Browns taking Brady Quinn with the #3 overall pick. Instead, they went with Offensive Tackle and expert fisherman Joe Thomas. This pick was/is highly endorsed by Dear Mr. Supercomputer. You have to respect a guy that would rather go fishing than hang around with Jets fans. I am a little worried about the possibility of an early onset of male pattern baldness.



But then the Browns' draft got interesting. Mega Hunk QB Brady Quinn kept falling and falling and no one was taking him. Minnesota passed on him at #7. Miami passed on him at #9 which was the huge shocker.






And none of the next 12 teams thought they needed a QB. So the Browns traded up to get him. And the gay community of Cleveland must be just beside itself.

Dear Mr. Supercomputer's reaction?

Let me delve into some comments made by one "gk" during the recent college football season on our always engaging fantasy football message board.

  • " I'd rather have Troy Smith than Brady Quinn." (Ed. note: Troy Smith wasn't picked until the end of the 5th round.)
  • "Can someone tell me why Brady Quinn is a consensus #1 pick? I just can't wrap my head around it."
  • "When the Browns draft Brady Quinn at #3, that'll show you how foolish it is."
  • "I'm not a huge Trent Green fan, but I do think he's competent. And i like that option better than Frye, Anderson, or Brady Quinn."
  • "I'm begging again Phil Savage: don't draft a QB at #3!! Particularly this QB!"

Regardless of where he was drafted, those comments don't reflect a huge amount of confidence in the young sexy QB. They go show just how little this "gk" knows about college football.

But then, why did DMS get all excited yesterday and practically wet himself when the Browns traded up to get him? Was it because we had prepared ourselves to see him taken at #3 in the weeks leading up to the draft? Was it because we got two top-10 talents in one draft? Was it because of this? (Ed. note: I think that might actually be my brother.)

I think more than anything it's that the Browns are trying to become relevent again. Remember this post? Even if Quinn is a total bust, they gave it a shot. They got a guy that wanted to play for Cleveland, growing up in Ohio. They got the sports world talking about Cleveland. They got a face for the franchise. And between Brady Quinn and Grady Sizemore, centerfielder for the Indians, Cleveland has a claim to the #1 and #2 sexiest atheletes.

Look, the draft is a crap shoot anyhow. And the Browns have been coming up snake eyes for years now. But this way, if Quinn isn't the hybrid of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady that his college coach says he is, he'll come at the price of a #22 pick, not a #3.

(Ed. note: The Browns had to sacrifice next year's first round pick to get him. So it might end up being a #3. But they only have to pay him #22 money. You follow?)

One thing is for certain: the Browns brought sexy back.

Friday, April 27, 2007

MP3 of the Week : "It's Getting Drafty" Edition
I don't expect you to understand. Why does anyone get excited about NFL football in April? It's 12 hours of no-name college players being selected, 80% of which will never have an appreciable impact on the NFL aside from gobbling up salary cap. Each team is allotted (and takes) 15 damn minutes to make a selection they knew they would make after 30 seconds. That means you get a grand total of about four picks every hour. Since I'm a Math teacher, I can tell you that you can watch the draft for three freaking hours and watch a total of twelve selections. Meanwhile you're blasted with images and sound bytes of Chris Berman and Mel Kiper. It takes forever. It's insignificant in the grand scheme of things. So it's stupid to watch, right?
Well, screw you. Because the Browns always have a high pick, this is like our version of a Super Bowl. It's exciting to watch, even if in the back of my mind it's only exciting to see what player's career will be derailed before it even starts due to getting drafted by the Browns. Our victim this year...?
Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma?


Joe Thomas, LT, Wisconsin?

Or Mega-hunk Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame?


Personally, I have no preference for the Browns to pick any of these guys. It doesn't matter. I'm resigned to it. But I still enjoy the hell out of the NFL Draft. It's the only day of the year where there's even a glimmer of hope for the Browns.

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This week's mp3 is by Peter and the Wolf. He (by the way, I realise it's confusing when I post the name of what seems like a band and then call it a "him" or a "her," singular. I'm sorry. I truly am.) is releasing an LP sometime soon from what I hear. There are few artists who generate more buzz in my mind. His album Lightness hints at his potential. It's very hit-or-miss, much like (dare I say?) Sufjan's early work. He has several downloads on his website, but instead I'll post an alternate, live version of Silent Movies. It was recorded at one of those non-SXSW SXSW shows.

Peter and the Wolf - "Silent Movies (live at Daytrotter)"

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Ahhh. Sweet Political Rage

It's been a while since Dear Mr. Supercomputer has done the political vitriol thing. After the 2006 Texas Gubernatorial race, there just hasn't been much but more of the same. Iraq is a mess. Clinton and Obama have raised enough money to buy their own country and rule it like a monarch. And there's only so much bitching one can do about Tom Delay. Maybe it just got to be overload. Neo-conservatives are in power and that's the way it will be until 2008. Iraq is a disaster of generational proportions and that's just the way it will be until... umm, yeah. Global Warming is a force that could ruin us all, agreed upon by 99% of scientists and you still get people saying things like, "well, maybe it will be a good thing for Siberia."

So let's just say DMS gave up politics for lent. But lent's over folks. And the past two days have featured a PBS sponsored all-out anger-thon in the DMS household. Let's look at the programming selection.

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Tuesday 4/24

7:00 PM. Nova: Saved By the Sun.

I love Nova. I eat this stuff up with a spoon. Baby Supercomputer does too. Anyway, it was a nice little program investigating what solar power can do for us and whether or not it's actually a viable source of power for anything but those little four-function calculators.

Fun Fact: Germany is the world leader in solar power. They subsidize the hell out of it and are on track for 30% of their energy coming from renewable sources by 2030.

Vitriol-Meter: 2. Sure, the U.S. doesn't do solar very well, but it's just not that practical or efficient yet. And by the time it is, something better might come along.

8:00 PM. Frontline: Hot Politics

Now we're talking! The environment? Three administrations sitting on their hands while we see the polar ice caps breaking off in Chris Berman size chunks? That's something that gets DMS blood pressure to hike up a few ticks. Yes, Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, and Bush Jr. all did little to nothing about reducing America's carbon footprint using the excuse that it would cost us economically. Hmmm... maybe if there was a way we could invade global warming, this administration might be up to it. The former director of the EPA under the current Bush administration likened the U.S.'s withdrawal from the Kyoto treaty to, "flipping the bird" to the rest of the world. Bad ass. Screw you, Luxembourg!

Fun Fact: Texas was featured prominently in this film under the category of, "how to destroy civilization." Rick Perry tried to fast track eleven new coal plants before someone reeled the Aggie in.

Vitriol-Meter: 6. I was so pissed I went outside and sprayed a bunch of aerosol cans over Rick Perry's house. Enjoy the 0.6 degree temperature rise, beeey-otch!

9:00. Independent Lens: Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room

I really don't understand business or economics or anything like that. Enron became one of the premiere companies in the world, simply by lying through their teeth? Meanwhile, everything they did turned to crap? People can do this? No wonder economists throw themselves out of high rise buildings.

Fun Fact: Enron executive Lu Pi ran off with like $200 million and married a stripper.

Vitriol-Meter: 4. Confusion-Meter: 8.

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Wednesday 4/25

8:00. Bill Moyer's Journal: Buying the War

Brilliant investigation into the penultimate journalistic question of the day: where the fuck were you guys?!!

In the months leading up to the invasion of Iraq, it was repeated over and over again that Iraq had WMDs and had links to the terrorists of 9/11. Both of these claims were bullshit but almost no one in the press called the administration on it. Instead, for fear out of being labeled "unpatriotic," our most credible institutions of journalism, The New York Times, The Washington Post (who are by no means friends of Republicans), and everyone else beat the war drum.

The most poignant part of the film I thought was the likening to the Bush administration's contention to a marketing campaign. The point was made that advertising isn't effective after hearing something once, but after it is repeated over and over again. And that's exactly what they did. By repeating the same phrases and making the same claims over and over again, the American public just accepted it as fact. If you keep repeating the words, "Iraq," "al-Qaida," "Bin Laden," "weapons of mass destruction," "nuclear," pretty soon you'll start believing it. In fact even after it was proven that there were no WMDs in Iraq, polls showed that Americans still believed there were WMDs in Iraq. Unbelievable.

What happens when the media becomes the mouthpiece of the administration? One of the biggest international blunders in American history.

Fun Fact: Bill Kristol is a dick!

Vitriol-Meter: 9.3. It's a good thing I chased a bunch of blood thinners with whisky or I would have been dead on the floor.

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Speaking of chasing, PBS chased Buying the War with John Prine's Austin City Limits. Thank God.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

MP3 of the Week : "Upside to Civil War" Edition

Look, I don't know what the context was for the screen shot below. But here it is.


Thank you, Fox News. You always see the glass as half-full.

(p.s. As pissed as I am about the headline, I really want to know what happened to the sheep in the garbage can!)
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It begins with a single note hyper-tap of a piano. The lyrics are repetitive and chant-ish. The message is not subtle. The story is simple. A Hawk and a Hacksaw present the song, "Portlandtown."
A Hawk and a Hacksaw - "Portlandtown"
I can't tell you how excited I am about this movie.

Chalk



(Check back for mp3 of the week later today!)

Friday, April 13, 2007

MP3 of the Week - "Not Enough Quota" Edition

DMS simply doesn't have the RAM right now to process the events of this week. Let's just say that we're a bit overloaded right now and came very close to crashing early on. I know that the loyal DMS leadership is let down by the recent events in the sports-radio world, what with ESPN's Colin Cowherd attempting (and temporarily succeeding) to destroy the blogosphere, and Don Imus educating everyone on a new ethnic slur. More interesting though, was the response of Jason Whitlock (who I'm very hot-and-cold about).



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That out of the way, I present to you the MP3 of the Week. DMS had the pleasure of seeing St. Vincent open up for Midlake a few weeks ago. The one time Polyphonic Spree-er dropped her first LP and if the album opener, "Now. Now." is any indication, she'll be one to keep an eye on.

St. Vincent - "Now. Now."

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Welcome Back, Baseball

As Major League Baseball makes its return to network television, so too does Dear Mr. Supercomputer get to finally take in a game. True, it's on Fox. True, I'll probably have to listen to Tim McCarver.



And true, it'll probably be a Red Sox / Yankees game (seriously, if both of those teams had their planes accidentally misdirected to Iraq I would hold up a big banner that reads, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED").

But nevertheless, baseball is a part of the Supercomputer family again.

What does the mean for you, the loyal reader? Intreguing insight on the Indians' playoff chances! Analysis of the DH-platoon situation on my fantasy team! Amphetamines!

And, of course, the predicted standings. Last year, we finished very favorably in the Baseball Prospectus "Predictatron" competition. Narrowly missing the top 10 thanks to the Mets totally tanking against the Cardinals. Always a glutton for punishment, we went with the Mets again, not because they're particularly good, but because they're in the National League, which sucks.
American League East


New York Yankees 93 - 69
Boston Red Sox 89 - 73
Toronto Blue Jays 79 - 83
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 73 - 89
Baltimore Orioles 68 - 94

American League Central

Cleveland Indians 88 - 74
Chicago White Sox 87 - 75
Minnesota Twins 85 - 77
Detroit Tigers 79 - 83
Kansas City Royals 74 - 88

American League West

Anaheim Angels 88 - 74
Texas Rangers 86 - 76
Oakland Athletics 81 - 81
Seattle Mariners 67 - 95

National League East

New York Mets 89 - 73
Philadelphia Phillies 85 - 77
Atlanta Braves 80 - 82
Florida Marlins 80 - 82
Washington Nationals 74 - 88

National League Central

Milwaukee Brewers 88 - 74
St. Louis Cardinals 86 - 76
Houston Astros 80 - 82
Chicago Cubs 76 - 86
Cincinnati Reds 76 - 86
Pittsburgh Pirates 68 - 94

National League West



Arizona Diamondbacks 88 - 74
San Diego Padres 87 - 75
Los Angeles Dodgers 85 - 77
Colorado Rockies 81 - 81
San Francisco Giants 70 - 92

American League Division Series:
Anaheim Angels over Boston Red Sox in 5 games
Cleveland Indians over New York Yankees in 4 games

National League Division Series:
Milwaukee Brewers over Arizona Diamondbacks in 5 games
New York Mets over San Diego Padres in 3 games

American League Championship Series:
Anaheim Angels over Cleveland Indians in 6 games

National League Championship Series:
New York Mets over Milwaukee Brewers in 5 games

World Series:New York Mets over Anaheim Angels in 6 games

Botched Jokes

I love it when athletes, coaches, or politicians say things like, "This isn't an excuse, but..." then they make an excuse.

Or when they say, "I'm sorry if anyone was offended," like it was the offendee's fault.

Or when they apologize for the phrasing of the statement, saying they are sorry that "it came out that way" or that it was "misinterpreted."

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DMS would like to issue the following statement:

We here at Dear Mr. Supercomputer would like to apologize if anyone was offended by yesterday's gratuitous use of the word "shit." This isn't an excuse
but rest assured though, there is simply no other word to describe that particular substance. Other euphemistic words simply won't do. Perhaps we could have chosen other words to express ourselves. And for that, we apologize.



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I'd say it was a "botched joke" but I think most of the material on this blog is botched.

Friday, April 06, 2007

MP3 of the Week - "I can't get the smell of puke from my hands" Edition

There's nothing more special in life than when your daughter, your little girl, holds up her arms beckoning to be picked up and to sit in your lap... only to vomit all over you. Several times. Then shit on you. Really gross shit too. If I had to make up a word for the consistency of the shit, I'd call it "schmocklety."

Baby Supercomputer had a rough day. Mr. Supercomputer caught the projectiles.

So what better way to introduce the newest feature of DMS: the MP3 of the week. Fully legal, downloadable mp3s from the artists that make them. Save them on your computer. Put them in your iPod "Invizzo." Comment on how great they are or how I swear too much on my blog.

Rest assured, the circumstances of the day in no way reflect on what I consider my favorite song of the year so far.

Blonde Redhead - "23"

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Exclusive Post!

Once in a generation, a discovery is made that helps link and explain our universe. Sir Isaac Newton was able to link gravity with the rotation of the Earth. FDR was able to link jobs and the economy. Both of these helped out in furthering mankind along with the individual areas involved. Well, Dear Mr. Supercomputer is ready to join that exclusive club. DMS has finally figured out politics, music, and sports and what makes them work individually as well as in concert. Apparently those are the three foci of Dear Mr. Supercomputer, so we've been churning away, running processes, testing algorithms, and have finally figured it all out, in easy-to-read pdf format. I'm sure this new development will be appearing in professional journals, news magazines, and the occasional spot on ESPN's award-winning Outside the Lines. It should put DMS on the forefront of national news and those stupid Technorati rankings or whatever they're called.

So, without further ad--