Wednesday, January 05, 2011

The Top 10 Albums of 2010

Always the list everyone waits for on the DMS blog: the Albums of the Year. Because no one can take something arbitrary and subjective like music and assign an order to them quite like DMS.

We gave serious consideration this year to not assigning said arbitrary numbers because each of these albums are incredible in their own right. And really, how do you rank Gorillaz vs. The Black Keys? Is that even possible?

YES! Of COURSE we rank them by number! We're not going to puss out like some other year-end lists.

Basically, the final measuring stick we use here to rank our albums at DMS is "which album will I still be listening to in 3-5 years?" That tends to serve us really well. I wouldn't change very many of our past rankings. And with that in mind, here are the Top 10 Albums of 2010 (what, did you expect a number that isn't divisible by 5?), each accompanied by a 3 song sampler (side note: if an album included a track from our Songs of the Year posts, it's not included in the sampler. Go back and read those posts you lazy bum).

10. The Tallest Man on Earth - The Wild Hunt

While high concept albums got a ton of attention in 2010, The Tallest Man on Earth was proving that the man-and-a-guitar formula still sometimes works, and works well.

9. The National - High Violet

I very nearly booted this album out of the top 10, which would have been a huge mistake. I guess my "qualm", if you can call it that, is this: the best song on the album is so far and away the best song, it sort of overshadows the rest of the album. And that's a bit of a mistake, because the rest of the album is fantastic. Even without our #1 song of the year, "Bloodbuzz Ohio", High Violet would still stand strong (listen: below). This is sort of the same thing that happened on "Boxer", where "Fake Empire" cast a shadow over the rest of the album (ROTA). It also happened (in my opinion) to Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" where it was such an undeniably awesome song that the rest of St. Elsewhere doesn't get much credit (same thing happened again to Cee Lo, re: The Lady Killers and "Fuck You"). It's weird and counter-intuitive, but I almost wonder if I'd appreciate High Violet more if it didn't include "Bloodbuzz." Then again, I guess that's my own shit I need to get over. Because fuck if there isn't a cooler song in 2010 than "Bloodbuzz Ohio."

8. Jonsi - Go

I can't really describe this album better than the following from NPR's All Songs Considerd's Stephen Thompson who says, "the whole record is this weird Icelandic gnome, empties out his entire toy box."

7. Menomena - Mines

Menomena is really starting to crank it up now, cashing in on their huge potential. While "Taos" certainly stands out as an amazing single track, much like "Wet and Rusting" was on their previous album, Mines works from start to finish.

I think I found out what I like so much about Menomena: it's their spacing. Like a painting that effectively spaces out objects, Menomena spaces out the instrumentation and lyrics perfectly, leaving plenty of time for both. They clearly write the vocals and instrumentation in conjunction with each other so the mesh perfectly. Listen below for perfect examples.

6. Broken Bells - Broken Bells

The announcement that Danger Mouse would be producing U2's next album is the only thing that could have gotten me excited about U2's next album. While it's an odd pairing, if DM can mesh with The Shins' Justin Mercer, getting the absolute best out of Mercer while minimizing his weaknesses/annoying tendencies, then I have faith that U2's next album might not be totally discardable.

5. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

Snoop Dogg's shitty rapping aside, the Gorillaz have somehow managed to carve out a brand new genre of music. I'm not sure what to call it exactly (post rock-rap? nouveau guit-R-and-B? techno-infused spider punk?) but they've definitely staked a claim on it on Plastic Beach.

4. Yeasayer - Odd Blood

Having come out early in the year, Yeasayer has been overlooked in a lot of year-end lists. I'm not sure how they've flown under the radar so much. Yeasayer's "Ambling Alp" should have been the MGMT's "Time to Pretend" of 2010. I honestly have no idea how it didn't find the purchase that MGMT did. Regardless, the album is earnest and convincing from top to bottom, and Yeasayer has carved out a unique sound that bridges the gap between the 80's and the 10's.

3. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

So... maybe Arcade Fire's 4th album will be their first stinker. I mean, doesn't a band have to produce at least one flat album? I keep expecting Arcade Fire to fall off, but they inexorably keep getting better. While the album perhaps lacks a typical Arcade Fire style anthem ("No Cars Go," "Rebellion (Lies)", etc.), the continuity of the tracks, the dynamic instrumentation, and the sharpness of the writing creates Arcade Fire's most complete, conceptual album. And while the album is a shakedown of the sprawling, pale suburban landscape it doesn't feel rushed, nor overlong.

2. The Black Keys - Brothers

I'm not sure if there's much else to say besides "this album is fucking badass." It's not that it's just "badass" but it's "FUCKING badass." Our favorite entity from Akron (ahem) channeled their inner Jimi Hendrix blended with The Strokes and came out with an album that is more entertaining anything Jimi did and with more teeth than anything The Strokes have done.

1. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

It just had to be this album, didn't it? Sure, most of these albums could lay claim to the top spot, but really only one of these albums has the potential to change the musical landscape. Also, when we compile our decadal album list in 9 years (see also: Aughts), this is the one album that I'm absolutely 100% positive will be on there.

Fantasy is a rap-album proper, an unparalleled piece of introspection, a polemic, a manifesto, an admission of guilt, a rallying of the troops, etc. In a year when the president called him a "jackass", West was a pariah, followed by being heralded as a genius. I'm not sure if he's any or all of those things. I do know that this is the Album of the Year. Whether it's the BEST album of the year, well, that debate will continue to be played out and discussed for years. And if that in and of itself doesn't mark it as the Album of 2010, I don't know what does.


Conspicuously Absent: Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz

Clearly a blog named after a SS song - and a psuedo-B-side no less - should revere the guy. And we do. But I hope to God that Stevens "got it out of his system." Look, I understand the need to make an album that differs greatly from the rest of your catalog (though, in truth, it doesn't differ that much from his first two albums, which are both inherently unlistenable and drew virtually no critical acclaim). As we've mentioned, the final metric is simply "will we be listening to the album 3-5 years from now?" That question is easy to answer. Since I listened to Age of Adz, I've listened to C'mon Feel the Illinoise more.


See also, previous Album of the Year posts:
The Aughts

Saturday, January 01, 2011

The Top 25 Songs of 2010 (#1-15 1/2)

While you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

So here's the rest of the Top 25 Songs of 2010 (#1-15 1/2). For #16-25 go here. Be sure to let me know what I missed this past year! As always, enjoy yourself a nice little playlist here.

15 1/2. Fol Chen - "In Ruins"

This track goes out to Jonny G. The 1/2 is for the extra half of the show that I missed.

15. Jonsi - "Tornado"

This is the music that you hear when you die and go to heaven. Perhaps not coincidentally, this is also the music you hear right before you hurl yourself off a cliff.

14. Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt - "Ride Friendship"

This track goes out to Mrs. Supercomputer. I posted TPDR's 2010 album title in it's entirety ( I Love You. I Love You. I Love You and I’m in Love with You. Have an Awesome Day! Have the Best Day of Your Life!) as my FB status and Mrs. Supercomputer thought I was being affectionate online to her. Nope. Just posting an album title, because, as you know, I am a prick.

13. Wye Oak - "I Hope You Die"

The consistent, underlying flutter of woodwinds give a strong undercurrent to Wye Oak's "I Hope You Die." Eventually, the title of the song is liberatingly uttered in the last line of the song, and you realize the rest of the song has been building up to this point. It's weird, but for a song entitled "I Hope You Die", it's incredibly romantic and touching.

12. Vampire Weekend - "Diplomat's Son"

What I love about Vampire Weekend is that everyone has a wildly different opinion on what the best song is on their albums. And frankly, it's hard to argue with them. I chose "Diplomat's Son" due to its subtleties and general low-keyness. Vampire Weekend can be overwhelming at times. "Diplomat's Son" is incredible refreshing on an otherwise frenetic album.

11. Cee Lo Green - "Fuck You"

Well that should put to bed the whole Gnarls Barkley one-hit wonder talk. Much like you never turned off "Crazy", you certainly didn't switch away once you heard the first three piano chords of "Fuck You." The thing is, even without the novelty of the swearing in the title and chorus, it's an amazing R&B soul song. And if a horribly auto-tuned Gwyneth Paltrow on Glee can't ruin this song for me, nothing can. (Seriously, fuck Glee).

10. Arcade Fire - "The Sprawl II"

This is the musical and emotional capper for an album that really must be listened to in its entirety. Regine rules.

9. Tallest Man on Earth - "King of Spain"

For all the talk about how technology has been irreparably fused with music, many of these songs could have been written and recorded any time in the past 50 years. And with Tallest Man on Earth, it could be 70 or 80 years. It's not a "retro" feel so much as a "ubiquitous" feel.

8. The Black Keys - "Everlasting Light"

This is some fucking awesome shit. I defy you to listen to this song and not think it's awesome.

7. Yeasayer - "Ambling Alp"

Having come out so early in 2010, I had sort of forgotten about Yeasayer as a Best of 2010 candidate. My bad. "Ambling Alp" goes well with driving, good times, bad times, and defiant times.

6. Gorillaz - "On Melancholy Hill"

Much like "Diplomat's Son" for Vampire Weekend, the Gorillaz's "On Melancholy Hill" is a nice respite from the DJ-esque conscious excess of the album.

5. Broken Bells - "The High Road"

This is probably the first track I loved in 2010. Pretty much immediately. We'll probably be revisiting this in the Albums of 2010 post, but Danger Mouse is the most prolific music producer working today.

4. Menomena - "Taos"

This is the most kickass song to ever feature the saxophone. Sorry Clarence Clemens.

3. Kanye West - "Runaway"

The most compelling song from the year's most compelling album. It's tough to separate the song from the song's backstory. We're all familiar with the VMA Taylor Swift - Kanye West incident where Kanye rushed up on stage and RUINED THIS POOR WHITE GIRL'S LIFE. SHE'S A PRECIOUS FLOWER. Then Kanye debuts "Runaway" the following year at the VMAs minutes after Taylor Swift gives some sorry-ass melodramatic forgiveness-soliloquy in the form of a song she wrote right after John Mayer dumped her (seriously, Taylor Swift is shit). Kanye, of course, crushes with "Runaway".

2. Sharon Van Etten - "Love More"

Here's a list, in no particular order, of the five pieces of media that turn me into a sobbing, blubbering mess:

* The opening montage of Up.
* The final scene in Toy Story 3.
* The scene in Toy Story 2 where Jesse the Cowgirl gets left at at the dump.
* The scene in Millions where the kid meets his mother's apparition by the railroad tracks.
* Sharon Van Etten's "Love More"

1. The National - "Bloodbuzz Ohio"

Not only does "Bloodbuzz Ohio" have the finest lyrics of the year, it's tough to choose what's actually the best line from the song:

I still owe money to the money to the money I owe / I never thought about love when I thought about home.


I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees / I never married, but Ohio don't remember me.

It's simple and devastating the way Bon Iver was a couple years ago. I'd say from the moment I first heard this song, it was one of my favorites ever and certainly of 2010.

Bonus Kanye West section!

Best unreleased track:
Kanye West - "Never See Me Again"

The story goes that this was recorded essentially on the fly a week after the VMAs incident, in which in my opinion, the only thing Kanye did wrong was that he wasn't effusive enough in just how much Taylor Swift sucks. It's kind of a shame this wasn't properly recorded and produced. But at least it got leaked, even if in the lo-fi quality heard here.

Best cover of Kanye West's "Runaway": Wonder Bear
You know you produced an interesting song when it's on a end-of-year compredium three times.

Best cover of Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You": William Shatner

It's tough to decide which will be the most covered song from 2010: either West's "Runaway" or Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You." I have a feeling every one who plays music and has even a teensy bit of irony will be playing these in coffee shops ad-nausium in the next few years.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Top 25 Songs of 2010 (#16-#25)

While you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

I could say that I'm just building suspense, but honestly, it's a procrastination thing that is allowing me to only post the #16-#25 songs of the year. Lots of last minute tweaking and such.

Normally I would use this space to make some sort of unresearched generalization about music in Year 20XX, but honestly, there aren't really any patterns to be summed up anymore. There was just a plethora of awesome songs this year.

So, here's your (meaning "my") Top 25 Songs of 2010, numbers 16-25 (descending).
And enjoy the playlist below.

25. Galactic f. Irma Thomas - "Heart of Steel"

24. Typefighter - "Ocean Floor"

23. Givers - "Saw You First"

22. Josh Ritter - "Change of Time"

21. School of Seven Bells - "Windstorm"

20. Janelle Monae - "Tightrope (f. Big Boi)"

19. Nick Jaina - "Sleep Child"

18. The New Pornographers - "Crash Years"

17. The Spring Standards - "Queen of the Lot"

16. Mumford & Sons - "The Cave"

Top 5 Things About Colorado That Annoy the Crap out of Me

While you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

Don’t get me wrong, we love Colorado. So much so that we’ll probably never move anywhere else. It’s beautiful, people actually want to visit you, it’s got seasons. None of those things were true when we lived in Texas. But, as with all states I’m sure, it’s got some annoyances that must be splayed out airing-of-grievances style.

So today’s list is The Top 5 Things About Colorado That Annoy The Crap Out Of Me.

5. The Food Pretty Much Sucks

I confess that I don’t really get out all that much for dinner. Let’s say you wouldn’t refer to me as a “human Zagat’s guide”. But still, moving from Austin to Colorado was like eating in Baylor’s Penland dorm one day and Collins the next (all my Baylor inside joke homies in the house say “heeeyyyy!”).

4. The Sun

It’s not Alaska or anything, but in the winter the Sun goes down at like 4:30 PM and in the Summer it overstays it’s welcome until 9:30. It’s pretty annoying when it’s still sunny outside and you’re trying to put your kids to bed. Me: “No, honey, it’s just the tilt of the Earth toward the sun that is making you think it’s not nighttime yet.” Her: “IT’S NOT NIGHT YET!!!!!!!”

3. May

Look, snow is enchanting and all. It’s beautiful when it snows that first time. And even in March and April the snow is nice and it melts quickly. But when it’s May and the trees haven’t put out their leaves yet, because they’ve seen this before and they know that there could be one last snow storm, it gets pretty depressing. You know when the rest of the country is on Spring Break? We’re just getting started with Winter in Colorado.

2. You Feel Like an Asshole if You Sit Around the House All Weekend

Typical Monday morning office conversation.

Me: So what’d you do this weekend.
Them: I went on a high-altitude back-country triathlon. Then I went cross-country skiing on Sunday. What’d you do?
Me: I... um... watched football. Oh! I went to the store and bought sneakers!
Them: [looks at me in disgust]

OK usually they don’t look at me in disgust, it’s mostly myself that feels disgusted with myself. Look, I like to just hang out, maybe leave the house if the weather’s nice. And I’ll go hiking every now and again, but jeez! The people here don’t take a weekend off! Don’t you people have Netflix??

1. You Can’t Buy Liquor in Grocery Stores

What are we in the Prohibition Era??? This doesn’t sound like that big a deal, but it is. I go grocery shopping with my kids from time to time. And in Texas, when I went to a grocery store - say, your local H.E.B. - you could pick up a nice 6-pack of beer or bottle of wine and it was no big deal. It was like, “hey, that’s a good father who plans on having a relaxing evening at home after he reads his kids stories before bed-time.” Now in Colorado, when I have to make a second stop to a liquor store, dragging the kids along it’s like, “what a creep! He must be a booze-hound, dragging his kids in here like that! I bet he’s abusive!” when I’m totally none of those things.

Get your act together, Colorado! Let 3.2+% ABV liquor in your fine grocery stores! Except don’t be like California where you can get hard liquor in grocery stores. That shit’s messed up. If you want to buy Jaegermeister, go do it in a fucking liquor store away from us finer citizens. You abusive, creepy booze-hound.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Top 10 Things that Kept Us Sane in 2010

Hello. Long time, no blog. But while you can’t count on much from this blog, you can always count on a bunch of lists being compiled at the end of the year. Couple that with a massive snow day and you’re bound to get a bunch of lists that I came up with while showering.

Let’s start out with the list of Top 10 Things that Kept Us Sane in 2010, as we have done in 2008 and 2009.

2010 was a bitch of a year. We keep thinking that this past year was the shittiest year ever. But 2010 really took the cake. We had a Cavs epic playoff meltdown followed by "The Decision", the Tea Party going mainstream and making politicians too willing to start things like this which basically makes Uncle Jeb a peer-reviewer for science grants, the Haiti earthquake, the Oil Spill (complete with ranking member of the Committee on Energy and Commerce Joe Barton-R apologizing to BP for everyone being so mean to them), pussy Democrats doing things like firing someone because Andrew Breitbart posted something on youtube, our free cable got phased out by the digital revolution, and I had to write my MS Thesis which I never want to fucking look at again.

If it weren’t for the following group of people and things we certainly would have gone postal on ya’ll months ago.

10. The Sporkful

“It’s not for foodies, it’s for eaters.” If you’re looking for a recipe for coq au vin, you’re looking in the wrong place. No, Dan and Mark would rather use their podcasts to educate the populous on proper buffet strategy, leftover storage and reheating techniques, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (that was a two-parter!). They also started making videos for Slate in which they create ridiculous sandwiches, make Four Loko, and other awesome endeavors.

9. Keenan Thompson

I think Keenan Thompson might be the most underrated Saturday Night Live cast member ever. He’s never mentioned in the pantheon of great cast members, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a skit of his and not laugh. This year he took it to a new level with the Rent is Too Damn High party guy.

8. Wonkette

Pretty much here because of the hilarious headlines they produce day after day, distilling the essence of conservative paranoia and victimology. Other times, the Wonkette headlines are more earnest-funny (“Please Convict Tom DeLay Already), and other times shaming-funny (“Republicans Do Not Care For 9/11 Welfare Queens (First Responders)”), and other times just funny-funny (“Americans Having More Sex In Butt”).

As always, the “Wonkette Guide to the War on Christmasis fun.

See also, “John Bolton Has An Opinion About Wikileaks: Barack Obama Sucks” and “Cool Rush Limbaugh Photoshop Reminds You Obama Is a Black Gang Member

Update: From this morning."
A Children’s Treasury of ‘GZ Mosk’ Activists Against Justin Bieber"

7. Eggo Waffles

Yes, they are incredibly bad for you, and probably only one notch up on Pop-Tart as part of this complete breakfast that will kill you. But when you’ve got two kids in the morning who are like those angry, fast zombies in 28 Days Later until they get food in their stomach, you’ve got to toss something at them. Cold cereal won’t do. Toast requires additional work, like buttering. Eggo Waffles: toss them in the toaster (or not, if it’s critical situation) and you’ve got a terrible breakfast that the kids will devour like locusts. You’re good until 10:30 at least.

(P.S. Love the "Homestyle" Eggos. Nothing says "Homestyle" quite like a perfectly rectangular prism box with 60 frozen waffles inside."

6. The Icelandic Volcano Ash Cloud

Most people would probably put this among the things that made this year suck, but not me. Check this shit out.

ASH CLOUD!!!!!!!

5. The Nintendo Wii

This is a rather recent addition to the List of Things Keeping Us Sane, brought on by an early Christmas present. If you’re like us, then you hate going outside when it’s cold. And it’s hard not to become a fat slob when you don’t go outside. Here’s the thing: if I were to force our kids to run in place, CPS would take them away. But put them in front of a TV screen where they are chasing a kitty, and you’ve got exercise!

4. Aziz Ansari

Mrs. Supercomputer and I saw Aziz this Summer in Denver and he killed us. Like Kenan Thompson, he rarely says a word without cracking us up.

3. Peyton Hillis

In a year of remarkable suckitude for all Cleveland sports, Hillis is pretty much the only athlete not to totally suck. Are people overreacting to his moderate success this year? Yes. Is part of his appeal the novelty of a white running back? Sure. I’d be willing to bet he’s not even a 1000 yard rusher next year. But this year, he was awesome and gave us things like this.

2. Girl Talk

By mixing 100s of different tracks into a sprawling (free) album, Girl Talk created A) a wonderful piece of nostalgia and B), a fun hour-and-a-half time killer. If you work in an office and your co-workers don’t mind a consistent stream of expletives and/or you have headphones, you can spin All Day and crank out a ton of work.

1. The Wire

Having heard nothing but great things about The Wire, I was sort of waiting for a rainy couple months to get into this. Thesis writing time was as good as any. And for the next three months, Mrs. Supercomputer banged out episode after episode, evening after evening. There’s probably not much more to say than this: you know all those annoying co-workers and friends that keep saying “OH MAN, YOU’VE JUST GOT TO WATCH THE WIRE! IT’S AMAZING!”? They’re right.

(P.S. Here's a fun game: for those who haven't seen the entire series, see if you can guess which ONE of the four gentlemen above does not get killed by Season 5!)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Where's My Damn Championship? or, Hack Statistics Showing Just How Futile Cleveland Sports Have Been

As the NFL season kicks off in earnest today, we figured this would be as good a time as any to ask the pertinent question: "Where's my fucking championship?"

This isn't going to be one of those self-flagellating woe-is-Cleveland posts. It's been done. No, this is more of a pissed off, WTF?!!? post. And here's why:

We've managed to keep it under raps, but we quietly turned 30 this past year. And it sucks. Things start to hurt when you didn't even utilize them the night before. You start falling asleep at 9:00 (unless you're Mrs. Supercomputer, in which case you fall asleep at 3 AM). And then Girl Supercomputer started Kindergarten and every day she brings home permission slips to go to the fire department for the eighteenth fucking time (SERIOUSLY SCHOOLS, GET SOME CREATIVITY. TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE PENITENTIARY!). Anyway, we're 30. And with LeBron James taking his talents to South Beach that pretty much fucks over any chance the Cavs had at winning a championship. The Indians are one continual bed-shitting franchise who still owe lots of money to players who suck. It's like they're still wallowing in student loans after getting that humanities degree back in 2007 where they were one game away from the World Series.

And scarily enough, at this point the Cleveland Browns, who have been one of the worst teams in the NFL over the past decade, and started off 1-11 last year, are Cleveland's best chance at winning a championship in the near term future. Partially because they are under new management (not unlike that Taco Bell down the street who claims they are under new management, but that's only because the old management was caught running an animal prostitution ring out of their stepfather's attic). But mostly because the NFL is so volatile there is at least one team who comes out of nowhere to make the playoffs. In essence, Cleveland fans' hopes are tied to a roulette wheel with 31 other teams on it.

Which brings us to this.

Cleveland, for the time being, has three major sports franchise. Each of those sports leagues that the teams play in have about 30 teams. It's changed slightly over the course of our lifetimes, but it probably averages to about 30 teams per season. Therefore, every sports season should theoretically allow for a 1/30 chance your team to win the champioship, leaving a 29/30 chance you'll be disappointed at the end of the year.

Now, according to that GRE book I bought a while ago, that means every year consisting of three sports season, you'd have a (29/30)^3 chance of being disappointed. That means over the course of 30 damn years, you'd have a (29/30)^90 chance of being disappointed throughout your entire sorry-ass life. Let's plot that by year:

This is a pretty goddamn damning graph, created in IDL on a computer that is being paid for by a government institution that, while I'd rather not say it's name, let's just say it's the one department of the US government that will never go unfunded.

Anyway, assuming about 30 teams a season and 30 seasons per sport - yes there was the 1994 MLB strike - feel free to go back and correct my work for that bullshit - by the tender, prepubescent age of EIGHT, probabilistically I could have expected a better than 50/50 chance I would have witnessed a Cleveland championship. Good thing I wasn't a betting man at eight! Because by that time I had already witnessed two soul-crushing, atheist-producing defeats of the Browns to the Broncos in the playoffs.

At this point in my sorry life, there is only a 5% chance that all three of my teams would have suffered such regular futility. And that's only for my life! Imagine all the poor saps who are even older that have never witnessed a Cleveland championship! Really, once you get past 35 straight years of three-sport futility (yes, I know the Cavs are a more recent entity, but there were also fewer football and baseball teams, so I bet it all evens out - again, don't feel like making this scientific study much more rigorous than it already is), you're in the bizarrely statistically significant range where you have those nerds from Numb3rs crapping their pants.

Where's my fucking championship, Cleveland sports??!!!

The reason for my mania rests in a hypothesis that may or may not be true. Perhaps one of you lucky souls who grew up rooting for front-runners like the Bulls and 49ers can fill me in. The reason I get so agitated and anxious year after year, the reason I go into a deep depression that can only be cured by a combination of Xanax and Old Chub, is because my theory is that once Cleveland finally does win a championship, once I pop that championship cherry, it won't really matter as much in the future. Once you win a championship or two, and your kids see it, and you buy the collectors gift package that includes film of the championship thereby proving that it indeed happened, it won't matter quite as much. It wouldn't be as life-or-death after that.

But until that happens, it will remain Life or Death, because there are some poor saps who are Cleveland fans that haven't witnessed a championship that are precipitously close to the latter.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

It's time we started blogging again...

It's been way too damn long since our last post. And I can tell you we have some THOUGHTS about things!

Among the items to be addressed in the coming weeks:
  • DMS parenting advice on sending your kid to Kindergarten.
  • Why twitter is better than Facebook.
  • Incoherent conservatives.
  • It's fucking hot!
  • DMS parenting advice on taking your kids camping.
  • Fruit that doesn't suck.
  • Do McDonald's Happy Meals toys suck more now than in our childhood?
  • Commenter suggestions.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

My case for Brittney Griner as an NBA player

(Full disclosure #1. I graduated from Baylor.
Full disclosure #2. I don't follow women's college basketball.
Full disclosure #3. I don't follow men's college basketball.)

But I DO follow the NBA pretty heavily (at least until Lebron becomes a Knick) and so I offer the following as a thought experiment: Could Brittney Griner play in the NBA?

A couple months ago NBA commissioner David Stern said that within 10 years a woman could play in the NBA and a lot of people laughed at him. Or at least looked at him cock-eyed, myself included. But now that's all changed with Brittney Griner. Once simply a youtube sensation as "the girl that dunks," Griner is now a 6-8 force who crushed the NCAA Women's tourney record for blocks, and is now simply padding that record.

Jason Whitlock had a surprisingly (for him) good article on Griner giving anecdotal evidence of her strength and toughness, always the first two knocks against the potential for a female athlete playing in a professional male-dominated sports league.

But lest you think this is simply a high-minded, liberal agenda, affirmative action oriented gesture toward equality, let me remind you of a few things.

The NBA currently features,
  • a 6-6 starting center (Houston's Chuck Hayes) who is effective,
  • a #2 overall draft pick who was demoted to the development league (for those who don't know what that is, think a step below the Harlem Globetrotters),
  • the #5 pick of the 2009 averaging 6.5 points a game and shooting 36%
  • Darko Milicic pulling down 35+ minutes a night,
  • the team with the best record drafting a foreign player who's currently averaging about 4 points a game.
  • Rasheed Wallace.

You're telling me that these drecks can garner NBA contracts but a 6-8 athletic beast who can block shots couldn't become at the very least an effective bench player (Brittney Griner for the 6th Man Award?)? Why wouldn't a forward thinking team drop a late draft pick on Griner and let her try her hand in the D-league?

Oh by the way, Griner is only 19 and didn't even start playing basketball until 5 years ago.